My little saviours …
For those of you that have been following us for a while will know that I started my blog as an outlet after feeling so low after the birth of Arjun. It quickly became apparent that I wasn’t alone. Many women face a sense of loneliness after having a baby and throughout motherhood. The source of mine was a lack of confidence and insecurity in my own ability making me question every single thing to the point where at times it felt like I wasn’t bonding with Arjun.
I was prepared that I may feel the same lowness post the birth of Saajan. I felt quite lonely even during my second pregnancy despite being surrounded by people. What I wasn’t prepared for was a post birth diagnosis that would shatter my world at that time and allow the thickest black cloud to take over my mind, my heart and my soul.
What I have experienced over the last year isn’t something that I can fully articulate … I’m not sure if I ever will. Where when I had Arjun I appeared somewhat “normal” to friends and family, this time there was no hiding away from it. I slowly detached from the world, from all the things I loved doing as I grieved. I grieved so hard for the life that I thought we were going to have. I experienced a completely different type of loneliness. Where before I’d stress about being a good mum by taking Arjun to the supermarket or playgroups, now it was about whether I was capable of being a special needs mum. I was never cut out to be that mum – the Mum that oozes patience, that can focus solely on her children, the mum that takes her children to multiple appointments. How could I ever face that when i couldn’t even handle a trip to Sainsburys alone with Arjun without it being such a huge deal that I’d celebrate it as a mini victory?
This time writing didn’t help. Talking didn’t help. Nothing helped.
The more I rejected offers of play dates and friendly dinners, the more it became obvious to the people around me. I’d become so withdrawn but it felt normal. They felt helpless. But so did I.
It’s only recently I’ve begun taking Saajan and Arjun out to see friends. I took Saajan to his first physio based Baby group alone last week.
Sadly, mental health doesn’t get treated as seriously as other illnesses. It’s devastating as it can be debilitating and can destroy a persons life.
I don’t know the difference between PND and the grieving process for our diagnosis – the line is blurred but what I do know is, I wouldn’t wish the dark thoughts that I’ve had over the last year on anyone for whatever reason.
I’m in a MUCH better place now. Don’t get me wrong, I still have a very long road ahead but I try and focus on each day. I’ve been very patient with myself and quite quickly realised that Saajan’s diagnosis really isn’t the end of the world. He’s bought our whole family so much closer and he’s brightened up so many peoples lives. I’m blessed to be his mama. I just needed time to realise it!
You don’t have to have a diagnosis to feel the feelings I’ve experienced. You may have all the support in the world like I did and still feel low. I’m sharing this because I want you to know you’re not alone.
Today was BBC 5 Live’s #MumTakeOver to raise awareness for maternal mental health. I was invited to the live summit taking place in Blackpool but unfortunately, I wasn’t able to make it but was able to join BBC Asian Network as part a discussion. You can catch up on the discussion here from 2 hours 39 minutes.
I’ve also uploaded the video I shared for the event below sharing my journey:
Thank you to everyone that messaged – together we can make a difference!
Lots of love x