We made it through our first week! Woohoo!
Hope you had a better nights sleep than I did! Arjun woke up about six times – I’m just grateful that I’m not at work today! Feeling so exhausted.
Lying in bed while he snoozes now and thought I’d share my day 2 and 3 first week back to work diary.
You can find my update on my first day back to work and Arjun’s first day at nursery here.
He slept through the night which I was super happy about but I still woke up feeling knackered which I guess was understandable as it’s all new to me!
When I dropped Arjun to nursery, he was in tears again but I was a little stronger today knowing this was good for him and that he’d be ok eventually. I didn’t want him to feed off my apprehension.
I got to work and literally didn’t get a minute to myself. I had back to back meetings all day but found myself day dreaming of Arjun throughout. I can imagine him walking and talking now. It’s amazing that every time he comes home from nursery, he seems a little more confident at home though he may still be timid there.
Work wasn’t too bad. I surprised myself with how quickly I began to grasp things – I really thought I’d struggle more than I am. I’ll be co managing projects with another member of my team who has been so supportive and patient. The team are such a great laugh and the constant banter means the day passes pretty quick.
When it came to collecting Arjun, that drive from work to the nursery feels like the longest drive ever but I have ants in my pants. I just want to get there and embrace my little boy.
As I swiped the door of the nursery to let me in, I could hear a familiar cry bellowing down the hall. It was my baby. I knew it. I literally ran down the corridor. As I got to the room, he was sat by himself in tears. I knew it was because he was tired. The staff said he had only just started to cry. I embraced him before even acknowledging them.
At that moment I’m not going to lie, I felt so gutted and a bit pissed off that I even have to leave him. I wish someone could give him the love and attention we give him at home around the clock. I know it’s not possible at nursery. I know the staff to baby ratio is one to three. I know they are not his parents. I know it’s completely different but I hate knowing he was crying with no comfort. I sound like a spoilt brat even sharing these thoughts.
When we got home I did something that I’ve only ever probably done once. I spontaneously grabbed a blanket, grabbed us some snacks and headed for the garden before I had any time to think about what I was doing. If you’ve read my emotional rollercoaster post, you’ll know that even the smallest things feel like the hugest tasks to me. Especially when I’m alone. It feels like I deliberately do very little alone with Arjun. I usually have Preetam or my sisters with me.
Why was that evening different? It was really different. I’d witnessed Arjun bawling his eyes out. Arjun being at nursery has made me really value the time we have together. I wanted him to feel the whole love that we give him even if it is for less time than he’s used to.
We sat in the garden and I actually felt so comfortable and I didn’t feel panicked. We sat and played with Arjun’s fire truck and push along car and we laughed loudly whilst I sung nursery rhymes and did silly goofy actions. We lay on the blanket together and watched the fluffy clouds float by.
He got grass everywhere and usually I’m creeped out by bugs in the grass, but I didn’t care. I had my fearless little lion with me. As I posted on Instagram that day “I have hit the jackpot. Nothing or no one could make me feel richer than I feel right now. I love this boy so deep and in a way I’m grateful to go back to work as it’s made me cherish every single moment so much more. I don’t care about the yogurt he’s spilt all over himself and on me, I don’t care about the sand he has in his hair or about the cheese he’s smeared in mine!”
It was perfect.
When we finally managed to get out, we made our way to nursery and managed to get there only five minutes late. He didn’t cry straight away as we entered his baby room which I felt was progress. But the moment he was taken from me, he began crying. I was so conscious about getting to work and not making a bad impression on my first week and so managed to not get to bogged down with becoming overly consumed with negative emotion at Arjun’s reaction.
I got to work on time surprisingly – my girl racer skills came to use haha or I just got lucky with the M25! I felt shattered already and the work day hadn’t even begun! And I couldn’t get “here comes Arjy on his pony” out of my head! – I couldn’t seem to switch my corporate head on.
I called nursery at about 8.30am to check if Arjun was ok. I thought they’d tell me he was ok and I could get on with my day but they didn’t. They said he was really tearful especially every time the door to his room opened and parents came to drop their children off and they thought it was because he thought it was us coming to collect him. That absolutely broke my heart. I could picture his dinky little face staring at the door, his bottom lip quivering every time he was disappointed by what was behind that door and then sobbing. I felt like packing up my bags and leaving work and going home. But I didn’t.
I received a reminder on my laptop of a meeting that was due to take place in five minutes. I had to pull myself together. I’m still new here after all. Their impression of me matters. The nursery reassured me that they’d moved Arjun away from the door and he was sat in the corner of the room so he was distracted. I just couldn’t wait to see him.
The day whizzed by really fast. I had back to back meetings again and wasn’t even able to pop away from my desk at lunch – I ate during a meeting. It was good in a way as it meant that my day flew and seeing my baby would come quicker.
I also felt a huge sense of achievement at work. The guy I’m co leading a project with walked me through a few things and we made progress on a few bits together. It made me feel good. It gave me confidence. I could do this.
Since Arjun’s started nursery, we have this “thing” where once I’ve picked him up, he doesn’t want to be put in the car seat straight away. He wants to have cuddles for a few minutes and that’s what we do. We had the tightest cuddles and we watched the leaves glide across the road with the wind blowing through both of our hair (well my poof! Haha). We watched the branches on the trees tower over us as they gently shook in the direction of the wind. I love these precious moments.
I also notice that I have a new found energy in the evenings. Seeing him recharges me. All I wanted to do last night was spend time as a little family and that’s what we did. We popped to B&Q and then to Thai Pan for dinner and were highly entertained by Arjun as were the waiting staff! It’s amazing how much more his personality is shining through since he’s started nursery. Or maybe we’re noticing it more now that we have time away from him.
All in all, this week I’m so grateful for such a precious son, loving family, great work team and for a nursery that instils me with confidence that Arjun is being taken care of.
To all the mummies I’ve received messages from that are in the same boat or will be in a while, it does get easier! I’m saying that after just three days. There are so many wonderful things that have come out of Arjun going to nursery and the emotional side I’ll eventually deal with! I think in the long run its harder for us parents than it is for our little treasures x