I was going to write up my 12 month update this evening but to be honest I’m just not in the mood. It’s another reminder of how quick my baby boy has grown.
This evening as I lay trying to put Arjun to bed (I cheated and had him in our bed with the fan on so he could cool off), it dawned on me that today was our last day at home before I go back to work. We travel to Norfolk tomorrow for the weekend with our siblings on a short trip. Today was my last day at home with my baby boy. I’m grateful we spent some time outdoors, I watched him play independently with his new water table. I watched him squeal with excitement on his new swing. I also got silly and danced to “Teddy goes on the swing” for him and watched him laugh hysterically that he could barely breath. I did all that without realising that today was our last official day of maternity leave at home together. I’m glad I didn’t realise earlier on in the day because I would have been an absolute wreck.
Why you may ask. It’s all pretty irrational to be honest. This is all part of life and every mother goes through it. I wish my brain would process that, accept it and get on with it. The issue is – I’ve always struggled with change.
Tonight was especially special. Usually Arjun is in a world of his own. But today after an episode (or ten) of Mickey Mouse, I switched the TV off (bad habit I know but I needed him to not be so hyper), he lay on the bed, and I lay opposite him and he stared lovingly in to my eyes as we listened to Simran (religious hymns). He doesn’t often do that. He’s usually too busy bouncing off the walls. Every so often his tiny lips would break in to a smile and his eyes would light up. He didn’t break eye contact with me at all till he fell asleep. Precious moments like these. I couldn’t help but cry. When he saw my tears, he got up and put his arms around me. I wonder if he knew I was sad or if it was pure coincidence. Through my smile back at him, I’m hurting. He’s so perfect. I love him so much. The thought of not being with him always hurts. The thought of us already being at the next stage hurts. The reminder that a year has flashed by and I feel like I don’t remember much of it hurts. I always make everything so dramatic in my own head and it really frustrates me about myself. I don’t know how to not.
I remember when I started maternity leave. I had that constant reminder of “make the most of it” “time flies” … I had no idea just how quick. I had no idea that I’d feel this way. Even half way through I used to say “I’ll be ok when I return to work. It’ll do Arjun and I both some good” and although I believe there’s some truth in that, it still hurts.
I’m grateful to God that today was Arjun’s best day at nursery. The staff told me he was a happy boy and spent much of his time playing and crawling around. He seems more confident there now. He seems to be doing better than I am with the change. It’s true that babies adapt quickly.
I feel so incredibly sad inside and I don’t really understand why. These changes are no surprises and nor are they any different to the changes that most mothers and families face.
Anyway, I need to finish packing a few bits for tomorrow.
I promise to have my 12 month update done by Sunday!
Lots and lots of love x
Ah Harps… Hope you’re feeling better now. I find it helps not to think about things as if they are absolute decisions. For example, just tell yourself you’ll try going back to work and if it doesn’t work, you’ll reconsider and stay at home. That way, you put less pressure on yourself and don’t see it as a massive change. Change is not easy! You’re not alone! xxx
It’s so true Hun, I always think of things as absolute which is why I struggle with change as I really beat myself up emotionally. Silly really. I need to adopt the approach you’re suggesting and just take each day as it comes! I hope you’re well Hun xx