My Little Knight in Shining Armour … My Arjun 

My Little Knight in Shining Armour … My Arjun 


Not only am I so blessed to be the mother of such a special little boy, but I’m so grateful to God for honouring me with the title of motherhood. Arjun is by far my greatest blessing in ways that I don’t even know yet – in new ways that I am learning about constantly.

I’ve never really written about what I’m about to go in to before as I’ve not felt comfortable to previously as a) because I didn’t want to plant seeds with my crazy thoughts in the minds of any one that reads my blog posts b) I guess (like most people) I’m afraid of being judged and perhaps being labelled. But now that I feel like I’m challenging my sometimes irrational behaviour, I feel I’m ready to write about it. More so now, because I feel like my son understands some of my fears and insecurities and is helping me to challenge them by leading the way. When I say leading the way, I literally mean leading the way by dragging me out of the house and giving me no choice but to face my fears!

So here goes … I’ve always been a little bit paranoid, and I don’t know what the root cause of it is, but since having Arjun I’ve become a lot worse – I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m hyper sensitive now that my motherly instinct has kicked in and it’s just heightened what was already there. Perhaps it was a particular burglary we had when I lived at my parents where someone broke in while we slept upstairs. 

To most (if not all) people, it’ll sound so ridiculous but on a daily basis I struggle with so many irrational battles (I KNOW they’re irrational) – everything is quite a task. Every single action is meticulously planned based on my thought process which is embedded with my fears. Here are a few examples of the daily anxiety I deal with:

· Preetam has to wait for me to load Arjun in to the car and let me get in and lock the car doors every morning before closing the front door. I’m so worried about a random person jumping out of no where and the thought alone makes me feel panicked.
· I’m too scared to take Arjun alone to the park or for a walk because of all the scary things I see on the news. Even knowing that those things don’t happen more than they do, I can’t seem to process it rationally!
· I’m too scared to go in to our garden when home alone with him.
· Returning home from work is a military operation for me to be able to hold my laptop bag, my handbag, Arjun’s nursery bag, my house keys AND Arjun in one go to get in the house without having to go back to the car. Slamming the front door shut behind me once back is a relief. Especially if Preetam isn’t home before me.
· When Preetam used to go to the gym, instead of watching TV, the CCTV channel would constantly be on in our house.

A tad crazy huh?

Arjun’s come in to my life, and especially more recently since he’s become a proper little person, has distracted me so much from my normal. He’s only recently started calling me “Mama” and he has no idea how much power his little voice uttering those words so lovingly to me has on me. It makes me feel empowered, strong and fearless … ok maybe not fearless, but it certainly has made me want to puff out my chest, put on my big girl panties and deal with my anxiety and fears.

It’s amazing, although he can’t talk properly yet, and I don’t really talk about my fears often in the house enough for him to have heard, he seems to have some strange understanding of them. And it’s exactly that – an understanding. He oozes patience (most of the time) and his mannerism when dealing with me is quite different to how he deals with Preetam in those situations. He’s a lot more gentle and patient – he has no idea how much he has helped me deal with things. How does he know? He’s only 19 months old. His pace has been perfect – just right without me tipping over the edge. His confidence is endearing and inspiring. 
 

He loves being outdoors, and the guilt that possessed me by not being able to fully support him in his new adventures tore me to pieces.   His “support” coupled with my guilt, my desire to want to be by his side in everything that he does and never wanting him to sense my fear and as a result become full of fear himself has encouraged me to think less and face my fears of being outdoors alone with him.

He takes my hand and clasps tight – almost like he’s reassuring me. My little baby is making me feel safe. How strange. Should I feel guilty? I’m his mother, I’m his protector. It shouldn’t be the other way around. I now happily go for a walk with him, knowing he’s by my side. I do still find myself looking over my shoulder and wouldn’t dream of letting go of his hand but I feel a little more confident. We’re able to enjoy the outdoors more and learn new words like “tree” and “sky”. I still wouldn’t take him to the park alone.

   
  
I’m able to go in the garden with him – I don’t always feel 100% comfortable, but he doesn’t give me the chance to over think as he plays and calls me over in the sweetest voice to show me something new he’s stumbled on (usually a piece of grass!). I still have a long way to go to learn to live in that moment – that moment where that piece of grass is the most fascinating thing to him and where that’s all that should matter. Not the constant niggling feeling of being hyper sensitive to my surroundings.

   
   

   

We now play with play doh or do colouring when daddy is out without the TV on. And if it is on, it’s filled with bright and bouncing images as opposed to the dreary colours of CCTV. Bruno is always close by to ensure we’re safe.

  

I may not be as comfortable as most mummies, but I’ll get there and for me, the minor progress I’ve made is pretty major.

Thank you Arjun for making me challenge myself, for holding my hand as I face my fears and for always being by my side to cross hurdles that have resided in me for years – even before you were here. Thank you for being so patient and for understanding. Being given the title of “Mama” has given me a whole new purpose to life. I’m your biggest cheerleader and will continue to be your biggest supporter x

  
It all sounds so crazy, especially putting it all down. I don’t even know if I’ll end up publishing this blog post because of it. Sometimes people are quick to belittle fears and anxieties without realising the impact it has on the day to day lives of those suffering with it. To some, it’s irrational behaviour, to me, it’s being hyper aware of my surroundings. Finding a sensible equilibrium between the two is my challenge.

If I do publish this post, it’s because a) I’ve had a moment of madness or b) there is a chance (as with many of my other posts that I’ve been afraid to share) that others out there may be able to relate to some degree. When I started my blog, I opened up my life to you – that includes the good, bad and the ugly. I’m always really conscious of not filtering how I feel as I want to be open and honest – something I’ve always prided myself in with my blog.

x


11 Comments

Add yours
  1. 1
    Jasmita

    I totally understand, your not alone! I was always scared to take Simret to the park alone and then when I had sartaj I wouldn’t even think of it, unless I had someone with me. Arjun will have a sixth sense about you and know how to make you feel better, even at such a young age he knows how to make you feel better…as long as he’s with you he won’t mind if he’s inside or outside, he’ll just love the quality time with his mummy!

    (I often call myself an overly neurotic mummy, so I can relate on many things you’ve written about 🙈)

  2. 2
    absolutely prabulous

    Gosh I’ve sat here trying to think of something constructive to say and have come up with nothing. Firstly, is that your garden? Because if it is no wonder you’re fearful, it’s a field! Seriously, though, the fun you will have filling that and turning it into a mini amusement park has to count. I think you’re probably less fearful than you give yourself credit for or perhaps just not fearful in other ways. Whilst, I can’t relate to the fears you describe (as you know from private chats we’re both pole opposites in that respect) as I’ve lived abroad/travelled on my own etc, I simply marvel at how you hold down a job, do all the house stuff, run a blog and started a clothing venture. I couldn’t do it as the fear of failing would destroy me. So Miss Harps, yes it would be good for you to get the help you need to overcome your fears but you are much much braver than you realise. Be proud of that x

  3. 3
    Shanel

    Harps firstly well done for sharing and putting down how your feeling. I can relate to a lot of what you have just written. Other children I see go off just a little ahead of their mums, whilst I hold my mimi hand scared if I let do and she runs off something terrible will happen. Like Arjun, my mimi is giving me confidence and allowing me to not to be so neurotic. Really lovely post and I admire you for sharing it.

  4. 4
    Harps

    It’s scary isn’t it? Especially with all the stories you hear! Does confidence grow when you have two? Or is it double stressing? 🙈 x

  5. 5
    Donna

    Totally normal and understandable. Most people have fears but they’re hidden from view. I had this really irrational fear of going on the underground for a long time (I would feel like I was suffocating), and restaurants would make me panic for some unknown reason. If I went somewhere and there wasn’t a toilet near by I’d literally come over with excruciating stomach cramps from the anxiety. I remember I spoke to a friend about it and she said she was exactly the same. And another guy we worked with also said he had the same issues. By knowing I wasn’t alone it really helped, and my friend and I would challenge ourselves and support each other to get over the irrationality of whatever was freaking us out. She ended up having cognitive behavioural therapy, whereas I dealt with it by being honest with those around me and learning how to calm myself down in certain situations- I still have panic moments now, and during pregnancy they became quite bad again but subsided after brith. It’s a long process because it’s certainly mind over matter, but I know how much a fear can hold you back.

  6. 6
    Harps

    Ah I feel so much better reading that! I honestly felt like a right crazy woman at times, but since sharing this, I’ve realised I’m not the only one! I’m glad you’re able to manage the panic moments better now. I just don’t want Arj to miss out on life because of things in my head, nor do I want him to live in the same fear as I do – because as you say, it can really hold you back! x

  7. 7
    Harps

    I’m so glad you take the same comfort in Mimi as I do in Arjun. And I know as he gets older, like Mimi, and he can communicate more, my comfort and confidence will grow. Neurotic sums me up! x

  8. 8
    Harps

    LOL! Yep, that’s the garden. It’s so beautiful and one of the reasons I fell in love with the house, but it’s also now one of the reasons I’m so scared to go out! Haha! That’s a really nice way of putting it – everyone has different fears and challenges I guess, mine just feels a little more irrational than others but since sharing this, I’ve realised I’m not alone.

    I don’t know how I do it either – I think admist the neuroticness, I’ve probably lost the plot a bit too!

    Always find it endearing speaking to you about this topic as I admire your (what it is to me) braveness!xx

  9. 9
    PriyaJ

    It’s amazing how powerful a child’s intuition is when it comes to how mama is feeling. Thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts, I too feel so guilty showing any kind of sadness or negative feeling in front of her, but the way she responds to me, just like Arjun, holding my hand calling my name giving extra cuddles always helps, to know that someone understands, almost like she’s saying don’t worry mummy I’m here for u it’s ok x he is a big blessing and has a wonderful and vivacious personality from what I’ve seen in his videos, and that’s credit to you and your dedication to help him grow and develop in the best of ways xx

  10. 10
    Harps

    Thank you so much Priya for your lovely words. Thank you for reading – I’m so glad I’m not alone. It’s amazing how intuitive they are isn’t it?x

  11. 11
    Harps

    Thank you so much Priya for your kind words. Don’t feel bad – you’re definitely not alone! We are blessed to have these amazing little humans in our life xx

+ Leave a Comment