My Mini Meltdown this Morning

My Mini Meltdown this Morning


As you probably already know, I’ve shared my journey of motherhood – my highs and my lows.
It’s been (it feels like) a while since I really had a breakdown related to Arjun. This morning has made me realise that I’m still quite vulnerable and easily get myself in to a crazy state.

So the plan today was; Arjun and I get up, get ready, have breakfast and then head off to my parents as my mum was going to take care of Arjun whilst I went to an appointment at 12pm and also to spend some time with them before going on holiday.
I woke up and everything was going to plan; we were dressed, fed and packed by 9.30am. As I usually do; I placed all our bags in the car, let Bruno in and got ready to put Arjun in the car.
I got to the car and .. There was no car seat. I quickly realised that the car seat was left in Preetam’s car from last night. It’s usually in my car. I felt myself getting agitated but kept calm so that Arjun would stay calm. What an inconvenience. I got my keys and went back inside the house and left Arjun snuggled against all our packed bags in the front seat passenger seat with the doors locked whilst he snacked on a breadstick. I left the front door open so I could hear. I checked the usual car key place but couldn’t find Preetam’s car key. “He must have left them upstairs” I thought. No. I frantically tried to call him – he must have had about 10 missed calls from me within the space of 5 minutes. Crazy much?! I felt my blood boil at the situation – where are those damn keys and why isn’t he answering his damn phone! What if this was a real emergency. I have a habit of doing that – in my head a simple situation becomes over emotional by thinking about “what ifs”. “Maybe he left them in his hoody pocket?”  No. In between checking random locations, I was running back to the car to check on Arjun who thought we were playing a more exciting version of peekaboo.  I quickly started accepting that Preetam’s car keys aren’t here and they’re probably with him. I felt myself getting really angry especially as I’m calling him and getting nothing but the EE voicemail lady.
 
I sat in the car with Arjun and we played whilst I waited and waited for Preetam’s call. “I’m sure he’s just put the keys in a super safe place that’s all. Once he’s called you’ll have the seat and you can make a move” I tried to be optimistic.
He called.
He confirmed the car keys were in fact with him and I completely lost it. I’m crying (again) as I write this because my reaction was so unwarranted. I was so frustrated that I had no car seat, a baby that was getting a little agitated by this point and an appointment which I’d be charged for not going to.
Preetam told me to get the bigger car seat out from the truck. There was hope! I placed Arjun back in the front and quickly ran in to grab the truck keys.
As I battled with the car seat to try and get it out I could see his tiny head poking through the passenger seat window of my car and could hear him crying hysterically. My heart started racing and most logic went out the window. I too broke down. I felt defeated. I cried loud whilst I tried to take the seat out. Why was this so hard? Why was this situation so frustrating? Why can’t I just be like those mums that would calmly just deal with it? What is wrong with me!!
I managed to get the car seat out and headed over to my car armed with it. Arjun was in such a hysterical state by this point that I put the seat down and gave him a cuddle. I cried with him. We cried together but probably for very different reasons – it was his nap time hence why I had planned to leave at the time I did so he could fall asleep in the car. He was tired and frustrated too.
I didn’t understand how I was meant to deal with this situation. Where was the crying baby supposed to go whilst I tried to figure this new seat out? How was I even going to figure it out through my tears? I tried to sit him in the seat to see if he’d calm down to no avail. I decided to put him inside the house with his toys whilst I had the door open and could see him. All I could hear were tears. Time was pressing on and I was no further to getting where we needed to be. I battled with the car seat, tried to figure out how to use the isofix with Preetam on the phone – both of our emotions and agitation levels pretty high. It was my fault for not reminding him to take the seat out and it was his fault for leaving it in his car.
Eventually I gave up. I just gave up. I dumped the car seat, took our bags out of the car, went inside and hugged my little prince. We cried together till we both calmed down. I called my mum and she’s coming to save the day.
What a morning.
I’m pretty sure most mums go through similar scenarios on a daily basis. I feel like my ability to cope with those situations is so low sometimes. I get myself in to such a panicked state so quickly and it reminds me of my early days of my PND.
I apologised to Preetam and he apologised to me. I hate becoming so overly emotional and irrational that I lose site of all sense especially over something that was a genuine mistake on both our parts. I hate being hysterical.
I feel like some people will probably read this and think I’m a bit of a nut job, I don’t blame you. I feel like one too. Writing this out has made me feel so much better and has helped rationalise my thoughts.
Arjun and I are currently snuggled up whilst he naps and we wait for his Nani to arrived. The sound of his heartbeat is helping to keep mine regulated today. I need him as much as he needs me. Precious moments x
  

22 Comments

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  1. 2
    Harps

    Thanks so much Hun. I don’t feel very strong today. How are you and how is mummyhood treating you? Shanaya is beautiful x

  2. 3
    Kam Hundal

    I was nearly in tears reading that! That happens to us all more frequently than you would imagine 🙂 don’t be too hard on yourself xxx

  3. 4
    Yaz

    Hugs mama, happens me too. Its hard when youre inder pressure and baby cries make you feel more upset and not feeling like you have everything under control. It can be overwhelming x

  4. 5
    mumsthewordincardiff

    This sounds exactly like me, I get flustered and frustrated when things arent going right. I think it comes with motherhood. So much to do and so little time and so many people don’t understand that. I remember feeling very angry and upset when a family member kept turning up late to babysit for me, they didn’t see what the problem was but 5/10 minutes to a mum means a lifetime but 5 minutes to everyone else means nothing. People don’t understand what its like sometimes to constantly be rushing here and there, and how it feels to be let down. I now make sure I have time to myself. An hour or so a week to relax and do what I want. This has helped a lot. Also I try to think, what’s the worst that can happen? Do you have any ‘time out’? Sometimes its good just to have a little break. Hope you are feeling a bit better now. X

  5. 6
    amiecaitlin: bumpbabyme

    You’re definitely not alone. I had a meltdown last Tuesday on my way to meet the OH for lunch with Baby Girl because I couldn’t find the cardigan I wanted to wear & then there was no Hammersmith & City Line tube for 8 minutes so we were going to be late. And my daughter is 14 months old. So don’t worry, we’re all nut jobs – who were once completely competent & normal individuals – together!

  6. 7
    Habiba

    Its not easy Harps… no matter how other mummies may make it look! And you are doing a great job (your blog is proof!) Hope you’re feeling better now 🙂

  7. 8
    Harps

    Thanks sweets. I guess we all have our bad days and moments of madness! Not the nicest feeling though. I hope you’re keeping well?x

  8. 9
    Harps

    Hey lovely thanks for visiting my blog. Haha I can’t totally relate to that! I’ve had meltdowns when I can’t find a particular outfit I have in mind for Arjun – I guess us mummies just know what we want! 😉 did you find your cardigan in the end? How are you finding motherhood?xx

  9. 10
    Harps

    Hey lovely! Thanks for visiting my blog. I’m so glad I’m not alone. I can totally relate. I’m used to being in control and i end up feeling so defeated when things don’t go as planned. I guess I need to find a way to manage it. It’s especially difficult when you’re alone with baby most of the time – it can become tiring and when I think like that I feel like a terrible mum but I know it’s because I’m only human! I try and make time to at least go for a walk with a friend every so often. It definitely helps. How old is your little one?x

  10. 11
    Harps

    Hey Yaz, it’s so true. An already frustrating and upsetting situation can quickly spiral out of control and become so overwhelming when baby gets upset too. Just that episode this morning has wiped me out for the day! How old is your little one?x

  11. 12
    Harps

    Thanks for reading Hun. I felt so out of control this morning. So grateful for my mum! Glad to know it’s sort of normal lol! Hope you and Ajeet are well? Haven’t seen you in ages xx

  12. 13
    BattleMum

    Hey hun, saw this earlier today but unfortunately couldn’t respond properly while in work. I really felt for you today reading this and got quite emotional with you. I think all mums have been in similar situations at some point so can relate. I think we need them sometimes to remind ourselves we’re human, and sometimes things can and will get on top of us, and that they’re sent to try us but we come out stronger for it. And sometimes you just need a good cry. My best tears last year were shed with BattleKid in my arms. They are such a comfort at times like these. Hold Arjun tight when you need to hun! It won’t be long before our boys are resisting hugs and kisses from mum haha!

  13. 14
    Mrs Guru

    Awww reading your post made my heart melt. But all I got to say is your a mummy and situations like this happen and its really good you have expressed yourself via blogging about it . The littlest things are the ones at times that can be frustrating. Ive had similar situations emotion wise at times….I’m a mummy too & it’s natural! Xxx big hug

  14. 15
    Harps

    Hey sweets, thanks for stopping by. I definitely had a good cry yesterday – I felt knackered for it but feeling so much better today. You’re so right – soon he’ll be telling him to leave him alone 🙁 – no idea how I’ll cope with that! x

  15. 16
    Harps

    Hey Rosie, thanks for stopping by. So glad I’m not alone though I wouldn’t wish that horrible feeling on anyone! Such a low state but I’m glad I’m feeling better today! How old is your little one?x

  16. 17
    Mrs Guru

    Aww glad you are feeling are better! Just think you have your hols soon . My son Swaran is 3 years old! And the challenge and amazinng memories continue!! #hestillwakesinthenight lol xx Rosie

  17. 18
    Mrs Guru

    Awww I’m glad you are feeling better! Every day is a new day when you are a baby! My little son Swaran is 3 years old and the new memories & challenges continue!!! #hestillwakesupinthenight lol!

  18. 19
    kellie kearney

    Oh this post really hit a nerve. I’ve been here. There is nothing worse. Sending big warm hugs. Tomorrow will be a better day xxx

    Thanks for linking up with #linkalist

  19. 21
    Natasha

    I’ve had your post open on my phone for a month but only just got around to reading it! My son turned 3 in March and there are still moments where I break down and he’s crying and I’m crying. Motherhood is such an emotional journey, especially while they are so young (the challenges keep changing but they’re always there). Just know you’re not in this alone xx

  20. 22
    Harps

    Hey Natasha, I totally agree – I can see it becoming more and more testing as Arjun gets older although I know it’ll become even more enjoyable at the same time! It definitely is an emotional journey but I’m so grateful to mummies like you that remind me how normal it is!xx

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