As you probably already know, I’ve shared my journey of motherhood – my highs and my lows.
It’s been (it feels like) a while since I really had a breakdown related to Arjun. This morning has made me realise that I’m still quite vulnerable and easily get myself in to a crazy state.
So the plan today was; Arjun and I get up, get ready, have breakfast and then head off to my parents as my mum was going to take care of Arjun whilst I went to an appointment at 12pm and also to spend some time with them before going on holiday.
I woke up and everything was going to plan; we were dressed, fed and packed by 9.30am. As I usually do; I placed all our bags in the car, let Bruno in and got ready to put Arjun in the car.
I got to the car and .. There was no car seat. I quickly realised that the car seat was left in Preetam’s car from last night. It’s usually in my car. I felt myself getting agitated but kept calm so that Arjun would stay calm. What an inconvenience. I got my keys and went back inside the house and left Arjun snuggled against all our packed bags in the front seat passenger seat with the doors locked whilst he snacked on a breadstick. I left the front door open so I could hear. I checked the usual car key place but couldn’t find Preetam’s car key. “He must have left them upstairs” I thought. No. I frantically tried to call him – he must have had about 10 missed calls from me within the space of 5 minutes. Crazy much?! I felt my blood boil at the situation – where are those damn keys and why isn’t he answering his damn phone! What if this was a real emergency. I have a habit of doing that – in my head a simple situation becomes over emotional by thinking about “what ifs”. “Maybe he left them in his hoody pocket?” No. In between checking random locations, I was running back to the car to check on Arjun who thought we were playing a more exciting version of peekaboo. I quickly started accepting that Preetam’s car keys aren’t here and they’re probably with him. I felt myself getting really angry especially as I’m calling him and getting nothing but the EE voicemail lady.
I sat in the car with Arjun and we played whilst I waited and waited for Preetam’s call. “I’m sure he’s just put the keys in a super safe place that’s all. Once he’s called you’ll have the seat and you can make a move” I tried to be optimistic.
He confirmed the car keys were in fact with him and I completely lost it. I’m crying (again) as I write this because my reaction was so unwarranted. I was so frustrated that I had no car seat, a baby that was getting a little agitated by this point and an appointment which I’d be charged for not going to.
Preetam told me to get the bigger car seat out from the truck. There was hope! I placed Arjun back in the front and quickly ran in to grab the truck keys.
As I battled with the car seat to try and get it out I could see his tiny head poking through the passenger seat window of my car and could hear him crying hysterically. My heart started racing and most logic went out the window. I too broke down. I felt defeated. I cried loud whilst I tried to take the seat out. Why was this so hard? Why was this situation so frustrating? Why can’t I just be like those mums that would calmly just deal with it? What is wrong with me!!
I managed to get the car seat out and headed over to my car armed with it. Arjun was in such a hysterical state by this point that I put the seat down and gave him a cuddle. I cried with him. We cried together but probably for very different reasons – it was his nap time hence why I had planned to leave at the time I did so he could fall asleep in the car. He was tired and frustrated too.
I didn’t understand how I was meant to deal with this situation. Where was the crying baby supposed to go whilst I tried to figure this new seat out? How was I even going to figure it out through my tears? I tried to sit him in the seat to see if he’d calm down to no avail. I decided to put him inside the house with his toys whilst I had the door open and could see him. All I could hear were tears. Time was pressing on and I was no further to getting where we needed to be. I battled with the car seat, tried to figure out how to use the isofix with Preetam on the phone – both of our emotions and agitation levels pretty high. It was my fault for not reminding him to take the seat out and it was his fault for leaving it in his car.
Eventually I gave up. I just gave up. I dumped the car seat, took our bags out of the car, went inside and hugged my little prince. We cried together till we both calmed down. I called my mum and she’s coming to save the day.
What a morning.
I’m pretty sure most mums go through similar scenarios on a daily basis. I feel like my ability to cope with those situations is so low sometimes. I get myself in to such a panicked state so quickly and it reminds me of my early days of my PND.
I apologised to Preetam and he apologised to me. I hate becoming so overly emotional and irrational that I lose site of all sense especially over something that was a genuine mistake on both our parts. I hate being hysterical.
I feel like some people will probably read this and think I’m a bit of a nut job, I don’t blame you. I feel like one too. Writing this out has made me feel so much better and has helped rationalise my thoughts.
Arjun and I are currently snuggled up whilst he naps and we wait for his Nani to arrived. The sound of his heartbeat is helping to keep mine regulated today. I need him as much as he needs me. Precious moments x