… and we’re only half way through it!
I thought twice about having a moan here but then I’ve always used my blog as an outlet for my feelings. I know in comparison to what’s going on in the world, my issues (if you can even call them that!) are really minor.
I’m sat here downstairs in pure silence … I’ve just got home from work, made myself a quick parontah with my mum’s signature bhurji paneer (I know I’ll be crying when I step on the scales tomorrow to see the result of my paneer binging of late!), Arjun is upstairs fast asleep. Most mum’s would savour this moment. I sort of am … But I know the fact that he’s decided to have his nap at 5pm so close to bedtime means that we’re going to have a bumpy night tonight … again.
Recently, I’ve been feeling really down. Not my usual upbeat self. I’m struggling to find the energy to do most things, I’m struggling to keep up with blogging, work and managing a house and baby. And the reason I’m struggling is because I can’t seem to crawl out of this dark little hole I’m in right now. I have no idea why. I don’t know what the actual cause is so I don’t know how to fix it.
Almost 4 weeks ago, my Papa Ji (grandfather) passed away, and ever since I haven’t actually had the time to absorb what’s happened. A week after his funeral, Arjun caught chicken pox which I’ll be blogging about separately. I didn’t realise how draining a few days at home with him would be. I think I’ve taken for granted, or not really given myself much credit for how far I’ve come with taking Arjun out and about. He’s a toddler that’s inquisitive and needs entertaining and we’re not really used to spending days at home. Don’t get me wrong, I almost welcomed a break from socialising and life in general but after a week of that combined with a very frustrated little baby (from boredom more than the pox!), I felt ready to return to work.
I guess it’s pretty normal to feel tired returning back to work – I’d been off from work between Papa Ji’s passing and his funeral and then again while Arjun had chicken pox. The 5.30am wake ups were never going to be appealing. Going back to work has been nice in that I’m distracted during the day and it’s a break from everything else.
My mind has been pretty absent – on Monday, although drained after my first day back at work, I was so excited to see Arjun. The traffic I faced on the way to collect him just filled me with anxiety. I just wanted to be there. I didn’t have the energy at that point. I was so relieved when I finally pulled up to the nursery car park. I swung back to grab my bag from the backseat and saw the big gaping gap where Arjun’s car seat should have been. It was missing. I’d forgotten it at home. Preetam (bless him) has been dropping Arjun to nursery for the last few weeks and we’d shifted the seat. It just heightened my feelings of feeling like a rubbish mother at that point. My duties feel like they’re slipping. Like I’m slacking. Had I fulfilled my duty of taking Arjun to nursery, the car seat wouldn’t have been in a different car and I could’ve taken my baby home. He’d be expecting me. He knows I come as soon as he’s had his milk. I couldn’t go in there though only to leave him again.
I was so bloody fed up, I just sat there and cried. If any other mother or father saw me, they probably thought I was an outright lunatic. The whole trip had been so tiring and in the end I couldn’t even take him home. I called Preetam who told me to come home and that he’d get Arjun once he was back knowing how tired I was. In the end I saw Arjun a whole hour after I should have :(. To top things off that day, I forgot to link up to my own linky on Monday and also tweeted out the wrong darn link! Grr
This morning, I was in such a rush and half asleep as I left the house due to a rough night with Arjun. I ended up forgetting my car (and house) keys in the house while Preetam was in the shower and so I was stood in the cold for ages while I patiently waited (and tried to not think of a way to blame him for it lol).
On a positive note, I have been grateful for being able to get involved in charity work for Khalsa Aid which Arjun insisted on helping me with! I am also super grateful for my blogging buddies x
I’ve decided to take a total break from social media/blogging/my phone tomorrow (I wish I could commit to more!) to spend time with my family and to declutter my brain.
I’ll be back soon x
P.s sorry for the terrible English – this post was literally a feelings dump.