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Returning to Work – My Rollercoaster of Emotions!

 Hello all, 

 
Hope you’ve had a fab week and have had a good start to your weekends! 🙂
 
Given I’ve been going through a rollercoaster of emotions about the changes that are going to be happening over the next few weeks (like all mum’s returning to work!), I thought I’d share. I always find that getting my feelings and thoughts down on paper (albeit a virtual one via Microsoft Word), I feel so much better. It almost helps me untangle my web of thoughts and rationalise them. The advice I often get in response is also so helpful – so thank you to those that have shared their experiences and advice! x

 
When I went off on maternity leave, I was fully aware that my existing job wouldn’t exist when I got back. It was a projects type role and I’d managed to close off all my projects prior to my temporary departure. Although change always makes me very anxious, I almost welcomed the change in this instance as it’d push me to explore a new area of the business or area of accounting although I knew it’d be a challenge – especially coming back after a whole year. A part of me hoped I’d at least go back to the same team. So they knew what I was capable of. 

 
Having been on maternity leave, and the closer I’ve got to returning back to work, I’ve felt more and more anxious. While on maternity leave, I’ve often doubted my capability as a mother – what you don’t always see on instagram or facebook is that I still lack huge confidence as a mum which often makes me feel like a complete failure. Did you know I’ve only ever given Arjun a bath alone once? Yep. I wonder if such a mother even exists elsewhere?! How can it be that I’m too scared to bathe him alone? To me, in my head, it feels like a HUGE task that I simply can’t accomplish alone. What if he slips under the water? What if I drop him while taking him out? What if he gets upset?

 
It’s strange that as I’ve gotten closer to returning to work, my confidence as a mother has increased. Although I still haven’t given him a bath alone again, I feel that overall my confidence as a mother is far greater than my confidence as an employee, as an accountant, as a finance manager. 

 
“Baby brain” is no myth – I’m a prime example of it. I don’t even remember what happened yesterday, let alone how to do my job! I’m feeling pretty nervous and scared about returning to work. Excel used to be my best friend (yes I know I’m a geek!), but even trying to put together bits for Arjun’s party using it has proved a challenge! How on earth am I going to go back to macros, vlookups and advanced formulas?! I’m not the most confident person in general, but this has definitely been a huge knock to my confidence. I’m guessing most mothers feel the same as I do when it comes to returning back to work after mat leave.  

 
While I’ve been off, I’ve barely thought about work. But when I have, it’s been pretty intense. I’ve maintained regular contact with my old team/boss just to keep a constant reminder of the reality that I will be returning. A few nights, I have been really restless as I’ve been filled with panic and fear over returning to work. Who will I be working for? What will I be doing? What will their expectation of me be? Will I ever remember anything? How will I manage work and a baby? I feel like I just about manage to be a half decent mother, I just about managed to be a half decent employee, and now I’m going to have to do both together as well as manage a whole house! The thought overwhelms me and makes me want to just go to sleep. I’[m a born worrier (incase you hadn’t noticed!) – I always assume the worse and work myself up. It’s actually pretty annoying being me. 

 
A part of me has had glimpses of excitement when thinking about returning to work – it’ll give me some “me” time, a chance to find myself as something other than just a mummy. It’ll give me more structure and routine. It’ll give me the chance to get dressed and feel good rather than spend half the day mooching in my PJ’s – though I’m really going to miss that! 

 
I’m going back three days which I’m grateful for. It’ll mean I get to spend some time with Arjun on Thursday’s and Friday’s and catch up with our friends and family during that time.  

 
It’s strange and I almost feel guilty, but a lot of people assume it’s my fear of leaving Arjun at nursery that is what worries me. To be honest, it’s been more about actually going back to work. I hadn’t thought about leaving Arjun so much before my meeting at work – maybe because I’m in denial. I don’t know. I know I’m going to be a wreck. I just don’t deal with change great. It also sucks that you have a baby, only to leave them with someone else 🙁

 

On Thursday, thankfully Preetam took half a day off to take care of Arjun so that I could go in for my meeting. I enjoyed getting dressed and feeling good – I’ve always believed in the look good feel good factor. I felt confident and ready for it. I felt positive. 

 
The meeting went really well. My new boss is absolutely lovely – I know him from before (which is a huge comfort for me) as we used to sit opposite each other in a previous role so often had banter. My new role sounds just up my street and it seems like it’ll be something I can be phased back in to. I felt really happy and almost excited when I left work that day. My new team is full of super clever people which is a little daunting but is also brilliant as I feel I’ll learn lots from them. I know I’ll face some challenges at work, especially where it comes to my memory. My ability to remember thigns was impaired when I had my car accident but it’s gotten a lot worse since I had Arjun. Going tback to work will help re train my brain again though I feel. 

 
Going back home to my little man was lovely, Preetam said he hadn’t had his nap but he fell asleep a few minutes after we cuddled up in bed. It was perfect. I felt so happy and content. I felt calm and blessed. God has always been so good to me. I also felt very sad at the same time – how am i going to cope with leaving him elsewhere? This was the first “proper” time it dawned upon me that I’d be leaving him to go to work. It didn’t really feel real before I went in to work that day.  

   

  

I know it’s going to be a huge huge rollercoaster of emotions where it comes to leaving Arjun at nursery. I hope my baby is ok. I hope his key worker is patient with him. I hope he receives cuddles when he needs them. I hope he doesn’t feel scared or alone. I hope he doesn’t miss us to the point of despair. I hope someone helps him to fall asleep at nap time – is that something I’ve done wrong as a mum? Not prepared him for falling asleep independently during the day? I hope he’s excited to go. I hope he enjoys the food there. 

 
Just thinking about that has reduced me to tears – I’m going to miss him so much. We drive each other crazy at times, but he’s the closest thing to me. He’s my life. The thought of him crying at nursery and me not being there breaks my heart. The thought of missing out on some of his firsts also saddens me. It’s going to hurt so bad but I know that I’ll cherish the time we do have so much more.  

 
But still, I know I’m very blessed to be able to go back part time and that not everyone has that privilege. 

 
The next few weeks brings with it a huge change in my family’s life – but it’s a change that most parents with children go through. I know it’s going to be a testing time too where it comes to things like Arjun waking at night. Currently I predominantly manage the nights but once I’m back at work it’s going to have to be shared – a huge change for Preetam. I’m going to also have to find a way to manage my tiredness – broken sleep with a teething baby, early starts, being at work, coming home and cooking plus managing Arj’s social life means I’ll probably be wiped out by Monday evening! Haha. I was exhausted even on Friday after going in to work for just a few hours on Thursday. No idea how I’m going to do it, but we don’t have a choice and I know we’ll find a way. Being woken up at 6.30am three days a week and being dropped to nursery is going to be something Arjun is going to have to become accustomed to. I feel so guilty for that – waking him. 

 
I guess it’ll involve lots of meal planning, prioritising where it comes to socialising, sticking to a routine (even though at times it may be fluid), compromising, general organisation and sharing tasks and generally taking a chill pill.. as well as lots of caffeine!  

 
My little monkey is currently napping, I think I’m going to go join him. Our snuggle time is going to be reduced in just a few weeks! 🙁 

Modern Dad Pages
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One of those days …

Hello all,

I hope you’re all well and are looking forward to the weekend! It’s Friday! Yay! 

I’ve woken up feeling pretty exhausted, confused and anxious. Generally a low mood kinda day – the weather doesn’t help either. Seems to be reflective of my mood! 

Yesterday was my most challenging day with Arjun in a while. I didn’t really recognise my son at all and I don’t know if this is the new “him” or if it was just a bad day. 

We had his friends E and Josie over for lunch after a while. The girls were happily playing for the most part and Arjun usually loves being around other babies but yesterday he must have burst in to tears every five minutes (no exaggeration) for no apparent reason. He’d be laughing and then suddenly out of no where start crying. Usually he’s so happy especially with other babies. I didn’t really understand what was wrong – which made me feel like a really rubbish mum. How could I not know what was wrong? They say you “just know”, why didn’t I “just know”?! I tried a few things but nothing seemed to settle him. He’d cry and put his arms out to me when I approached him – that made my heart melt. No mother likes seeing their baby cry. 
He’s also become really sensitive. If another baby even flinches or appears to be upset, he’ll start crying. Or if he sees another mum tell their baby “off”, he’ll cry. How will he cope at nursery where he’ll be surrounded by other babes riding through different emotions throughout the day?! 

I’m so thankful to my NCT friends who are so patient and supportive. I never feel like I’m being judged around them and as we’ve been in each other’s lives since the beginning of our motherhood journey, we’ve grown together as mums which has been a blessing. 

I almost burst in to tears seeing him with other babies and not smiling. What will he do at nursery when I’m not there to comfort him?! What if he doesn’t like it? What if he spends all his time crying? My mind was running in over drive and I felt so panicked and suffocated by the thought. I don’t want to leave him anywhere. I’m completely filled with anxiety where it comes to sending him to nursery now. I thought he’d love it as he loved other babies. That was my source of comfort. I really don’t know how I’m going to do the whole going back to work and leaving him at nursery thing. I’m also filled with anxiety where it comes to returning to work too. But right now that’s been overshadowed by my fears around leaving Arjun. 
He was the same at the mendhi function we were invited to for our family friend Taran in the evening. He’d be smiling/chilling/playing and suddenly he’d burst in to inconsolable tears though he was much better than he had been during the day. It was nice as Taran’s family are all super baby friendly. He didn’t even seem to settle for long with Goov which wasn’t like him. 

He was unrecognisable to most yesterday. I didn’t know what to do with him. We assumed it was his teeth and bonjela seemed to help with that. The only thing that seemed to distract him for long enough were the aunties dancing! He was probably wondering what on earth his Nani was doing haha!
He also resorted to hitting me yesterday when i redirected him from danger/”told him off” which was really upsetting. He’s never done that before (not with intent anyway!). I know it’s probably normal and all kids probably go through it at some point or another but he isn’t even 1 yet?! I don’t know how to deal with that? When do you start disciplining a baby? And how?! What if he ends up being a child that runs riot even in public? I feel so nervous and stressed. Am I doing something wrong as a mother? 

I hate feeling right this when returning to work is so close. I have four weeks left. I had planned on it being fun filled. I really hope yesterday was just a bad day and not the start of a new phase because I honestly don’t know how I’ll deal with it. I know I probably sound like an idiot even going off in panic mode based on one day but unfortunately that’s how my brain works. 

He’s still fast asleep now – he’s probably exhausted from yesterday. Will keep you posted on how our day unfolds. Praying and hoping for a happier one!

 

Any tips would be most welcome x

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You Know You’re an Indian Mum When…

As passed on by our Mothers, Masi Jis, Mami Jis, Grandmas, Pua Jis, Chachi Jis, Thai Jis, the random aunti at the Gurdwara and any other passing Aunti! … A huge shout out to you all. I love you!

1. Panjeeri (a concoction of nuts and other super foods and stuff) is the best thing since sliced bread – out with the cravings, in with the panjeeri. 

panj

2. Your kid is destined to be a doctor or an investment banker from the moment they’re conceived … All by the age of 11. 

smarty

3. You’re a prisoner post birth for 40 days – as if you weren’t physically confined enough whilst heavily pregnant. That means no stepping foot outside of the house. For 40 days. Yep.

jail

4. Apparently eating ghee helps stimulate a smooth labour if ya catch my drift 😉

5. You can never wrap your baby up too warm. Ensure you have ample storage for rajai’s/blankets. Probably my baby brain again but apparently we’re living in the North Pole.

blankets

6. Have a pint .. Or two! .. Of milk that is … Apparently that’ll give your baby a clear complexion. Totally makes sense.

milk

7. Sohnf Paani (boiled water with fennel) is the shizzle! Whether you like it or not – it’s the ONLY drink you’re allowed. It’ll solve all your problems (a dodgy tummy, a flat tyre, a broken down washing machine etc) … And baby’s.

bob

8. The “you’ve gained a bit of weight haven’t you” comments – no kidding! I only carried another human inside me for 9 months and I’m sure it’s nothing to do with being force fed panjeeri, ghee and full fat milk?

simpson

9. From the moment you conceive you’re bed bound, like pregnancy is an illness, too delicate to move. You might strain yourself lifting the remote to turn Star Plus off. The doctors are crazy telling you to walk up and down.

fattty

10. You’re automatically susceptible to an “evil eye” and these are warded off by burning chilli. I don’t know about an evil eye but mine choke and cry a river from the fumes!

All in jest guys!

Do you have any others?x

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My First Daunting Experience of Taking Arjun to a Party Alone!

Hello all, 
I hope you’re having a good week so far despite the not so happy weather! 

On Saturday, Arjun was invited to Eva and Ryley’s 2nd birthday. It was a soft play party and wasn’t too far from home. This was going to be my first experience of taking him to a party alone. It was really daunting. I usually have Preetam or my sisters with me just because I feel I need them. I think that stems from when Arjun was first born and the fact that I was physically exhausted and felt broken and bruised from the whole labour experience which meant I was unable to do much for Arjun in the first two weeks. Those two weeks resulted in my confidence really being knocked. Even till today. I’m so eternally grateful for the help I receive especially from Preetam and my sisters.

I packed Arjun’s bag and dressed him in comfy clothes so he could play freely. We set off and arrived pretty quickly. As we got there and I approached the car park and saw the “pay and display” sign. I realised I had limited change for the pay and display meter. Great. What a start I thought. Arjun was fast asleep so I managed to scrape together a few pounds to get a parking ticket. “£2 for 4 hours” is what I read. Perfect I thought! Not such a bad start after all. I had exactly that. I popped the money in feeling pleased with myself – I love it when a plan falls in place, I clicked the big green button and heard the sound of my ticket being printed. 

PANIC. 
The ticket’s expiry time was 5.05 (only an hour and a half!), what happened to my four hours?!!!! Oh gosh, I felt flustered and panicked. I had no more money! Plus what would happen when it hit 5.05?! The party was due to finish at 5.15. Was I supposed to bring Arjun back out with me to top up again?! With what money?! Should I just leave the party a little earlier?! That would be rude plus what if we are right in the middle of something?! Why does stuff like this always happen to me?! I swear I’m a sh*t magnet!!

My thoughts soon came to a halt as I spotted a traffic warden and marched up to him fuelled with disapproval that his silly machine wasn’t working. Thankfully Arjun was still asleep in the car during my mini ordeal. I asked the warden with confidence why on earth the machine had spat out the wrong ticket. To my embarrassment, I had read the machine wrong – it’s £2 for 4 hours for those who hold a local residents card. I of course had left mine at home. I felt so stupid. How did I not read that? I didn’t know what to do. All those questions rushed back in to my mind and at the same time I was really aware that the party was going to be starting. If you know me personally, you’ll know I really don’t like lateness (when in ones control). I felt so hot and bothered. 

The traffic warden watched from a distance while he jotted down info from other cars. He must have thought I was a right loon. I decided to just go inside and ask Shivani if I could borrow some money to top up again at 5. What choice did I really have? 

As I got Arjun out, the traffic warden watched. “Your car isn’t parked in the yellow box” he said. Oh FFS I thought! Thanks for telling me once I have a half asleep baby in my arms! The Range Rover does require a little attention when parking but I was so preoccupied and worried about not having enough money for the ticket that I didn’t pay much attention. As its a little larger than my last, the back side of my car was ever so slightly out of the box. He saw my face – which probably looked like I was ready to give up, keel over and collapse (I’m not even being a drama queen lol). I think at that point he felt pretty sorry for me – which isn’t normal for traffic wardens that are driven my commission! He told me not to worry and to bring him my ticket over. I suddenly became really paranoid, was he going to be mean and give me a ticket as soon as I turned around?! I didn’t really have much choice at that point so just went along with whatever he asked. I handed over my ticket, he punched in some numbers in his little handheld device; scribbled some unlegible bits on my ticket and told me to pop it back on my windscreen. So I did. He had extended by ticket to 6.15. I was taken a back by how nice this stranger was being to me. What a palaver! I really hoped this guy was genuine and wasn’t lying and that he’d restore my faith in humanity – he could be my silver lining in that mini ordeal. 

Now that I was parked (albeit dodgily), armed with my baby, gifts and change bag, we were ready to go in (finally!). I felt like I’d done a full on cardio session by this point. I was knackered. I know it sounds so minor and actually typing this out I feel a little silly because it does sound a bit ridiculous, but at the time it felt huge and so overwhelming. 

We went in and said hello to Shivani and the babies. I suddenly felt really nervous. I didn’t actually know anyone else there. What if people judged how I am with Arjun? What if he started crying?! I felt a little overwhelmed to be honest. But I was soon comforted by smiles and small talk from fellow mums and dads. 

We haven’t taken Arjun to soft play since he started crawling so I didn’t realise how much harder it is chasing after him (while dodging the other children). He is super speedy and has a mind of his own! He enjoyed the ball pit playing with Shivani’s nephew and also enjoyed his first experience of a trampoline. He seemed so happy and bright. 

     

  

  

  

  

 

Eva and Ryley looked absolutely gorgeous and I’m amazed at how much they’ve grown since we first met them when they were 8 months old in Dubai. Time has passed by quick! Arjun managed to get some playtime with the birthday boy and girl too – he loves Eva and Ryley!

   
  

 

Arjun really enjoyed his dinner there and was one of the last babies to finish – definitely my son! Haha! 

   

Arjun had a great time and if anything it really increased my confidence (and exhaustion!) or at least proved I could do it. I really enjoyed meeting other mummies and daddies – especially two of Shivani’s cousins that also have twins who were really welcoming. I have a new found respect for mums with more than one baby, because I just about manage with one!  Shivani is an amazing mum and I’m so glad we met because she understands me so well. 
And oh, I didn’t get a ticket 🙂 Nice wardens DO exist! 🙂 x

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Baby Brain Weekly Memoir … 29th May 2015 … Lots of Family Time!

Hello all! 
This weeks been quite a chilled out one in comparison to last week!
We started the week off by attending my friend Ruby’s chunni/engagement ceremony. She looked jaw droppingly gorgeous! 

   
 
It was so nice to spend some time with other mummies and their babies. Some of which have two! Although I went to sixth form with these girls, I rarely get to see them and it’s really nice when I do as we often share our stories and end up sharing useful advice too! 

   
     Arjun was pretty much glued to daddy the whole night and it was way past his bedtime so he was pooped pretty quick! 

  
We spent a lot of time at dada and dadis this week and even had a sleepover with Arjun’s Mané pooji who was staying over too. It was so much fun and bought back memories from when I first got married and when Mané was still living at her parents before she got married. I miss the days where my mother in law, Mané and I would go off on random missions together be it cooking something, going shopping or for pedicures! It felt just like old times and Arjun really had a great time being fussed over. He loved spending time with his grandparents, playing with poojis toys and stealing Indy chachus food! But most of all he enjoyed his chats with Junior! 

   
           

   

He even got an extra treat – his little Pua came to see him and he laughed so much with her. Ramneek spent lots of time entertaining Arjun and had so much patience with him. He adores her. Arjun even created his first masterpiece with his two puas – though his clothes were covered in more felt tip pen than his drawing – thankfully they were washable! By the time Arjun’s Sarub Chachaji arrived, Arjun was pretty pooped! 

   
       

While staying at my in laws, Mané, Ramneek and I even managed a quick shopping trip whilst the grandparents baby sat and we also all had a movie night which was great fun. Though I’m not sure I’m cut out for 1am finishes anymore! 

  
  
We were also visited by my friend Sav this week. As usual, she had all the time in the world for him and he spent a lot of the afternoon chasing around after her (or her him!).  

   
 Not very often for us, but Arjun and I ventured out for a walk and cafe breakfast this week. I don’t often take him to places out alone and this was the probably the second time we ate out alone just the two of us! The only other time was at Westfield I think! Arjun had a cheese toastie and I had a veggie breakfast. It was really nice and I hope as my confidence increases so will our outings alone. 

   
 
This week also marked Arjun’s 11 month birthday. If you haven’t seen his update, you can here

  
How was your week?x

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Breaking Our Co-Sleeping Habit … Perseverance, Patience and Plenty of Caffeine!

As some of you may know, last week was a really tough week where it came to sleep (or the lack of it!). I was suffering from severe holiday blues, jet lag and a baby that made himself a little too comfy in our bed! On top of that, he had this new found energy (perhaps it was the vitamin D overdose from holiday!) which I was really struggling with. I felt really low and felt like a terrible mum – I didn’t understand why I was finding it so difficult to be around Arjun alone. I felt like a stranger when I looked in the mirror, but at the same time I recognised the person I was. I’ve felt like this before and I end up in a wallow of self hate. I don’t think my tiredness caused by the co-sleeping helped my mood or confidence so I decided to attempt to nip the issue in the bud.
Continue reading Breaking Our Co-Sleeping Habit … Perseverance, Patience and Plenty of Caffeine!

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My 30th Birthday Part 1 … The Maldives

Hello all!

Can’t believe we’ve been and we’re back and I’m 30 oh em gee! In case you haven’t already and wanted to, you can view my own take on 30 for 30 here.

I had the best birthday ever and it’s more than I ever could have imagined. I’m so grateful to Preetam and Arjun for making it super special and extending the celebrations out for a whole week!

Preetam was such an amazing father out there (like he is here but x a gazillion). He handled Arjun pretty much the whole week – I think I only changed 3 nappies the whole time we were out there! It was part of his way of ensuring I had a relaxing time. That thoughtfulness meant so much as when I’m at home, I’m constantly on the go so it was nice to switch off a little.
Continue reading My 30th Birthday Part 1 … The Maldives

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30 for 30! … Gratitude

Hey all,

Yesterday marked my 30th birthday. Usually I’m not really affected by birthdays and they’re just another day. But for some reason this one has moved me ever so slightly. Although 30 seems like a big number, I felt unbelievably grateful for my life. Preetam and Arjun made it very special.
Continue reading 30 for 30! … Gratitude

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10 Month Update! How Did We Get To Double Digits Already?!

So Sunday marked my not so little baby’s 10 month birthday! I can’t believe we’ve moved on to double digits and his birthday is so soon! How did that happen?! The last 10 months feel like such a blur!
Continue reading 10 Month Update! How Did We Get To Double Digits Already?!

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Baby Brain Weekly Memoir … Cake Tasting, Co-sleeping, Friends n Food!

Hello all! 
Hope you’ve all had a good week! 
Here’s what we’ve been up to …
Last Saturday we had a family BBQ for Preetam’s birthday which you can read up more on here: Preetam’s Birthday 

Last Sunday we went over to friends, Sonia and Guv’s to meet their beautiful baby Avleen. Arjun of course loved Avleen and spent any given opportunity rushing towards her with his one sided crawl! Haha! Avleen is absolutely gorgeous and such a sweet little baby. Sonia and Guv have such a calm demeanour to them – it’s so endearing and something I wish I could adopt more! 
Continue reading Baby Brain Weekly Memoir … Cake Tasting, Co-sleeping, Friends n Food!