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One of those days …

Hello all,

I hope you’re all well and are looking forward to the weekend! It’s Friday! Yay! 

I’ve woken up feeling pretty exhausted, confused and anxious. Generally a low mood kinda day – the weather doesn’t help either. Seems to be reflective of my mood! 

Yesterday was my most challenging day with Arjun in a while. I didn’t really recognise my son at all and I don’t know if this is the new “him” or if it was just a bad day. 

We had his friends E and Josie over for lunch after a while. The girls were happily playing for the most part and Arjun usually loves being around other babies but yesterday he must have burst in to tears every five minutes (no exaggeration) for no apparent reason. He’d be laughing and then suddenly out of no where start crying. Usually he’s so happy especially with other babies. I didn’t really understand what was wrong – which made me feel like a really rubbish mum. How could I not know what was wrong? They say you “just know”, why didn’t I “just know”?! I tried a few things but nothing seemed to settle him. He’d cry and put his arms out to me when I approached him – that made my heart melt. No mother likes seeing their baby cry. 
He’s also become really sensitive. If another baby even flinches or appears to be upset, he’ll start crying. Or if he sees another mum tell their baby “off”, he’ll cry. How will he cope at nursery where he’ll be surrounded by other babes riding through different emotions throughout the day?! 

I’m so thankful to my NCT friends who are so patient and supportive. I never feel like I’m being judged around them and as we’ve been in each other’s lives since the beginning of our motherhood journey, we’ve grown together as mums which has been a blessing. 

I almost burst in to tears seeing him with other babies and not smiling. What will he do at nursery when I’m not there to comfort him?! What if he doesn’t like it? What if he spends all his time crying? My mind was running in over drive and I felt so panicked and suffocated by the thought. I don’t want to leave him anywhere. I’m completely filled with anxiety where it comes to sending him to nursery now. I thought he’d love it as he loved other babies. That was my source of comfort. I really don’t know how I’m going to do the whole going back to work and leaving him at nursery thing. I’m also filled with anxiety where it comes to returning to work too. But right now that’s been overshadowed by my fears around leaving Arjun. 
He was the same at the mendhi function we were invited to for our family friend Taran in the evening. He’d be smiling/chilling/playing and suddenly he’d burst in to inconsolable tears though he was much better than he had been during the day. It was nice as Taran’s family are all super baby friendly. He didn’t even seem to settle for long with Goov which wasn’t like him. 

He was unrecognisable to most yesterday. I didn’t know what to do with him. We assumed it was his teeth and bonjela seemed to help with that. The only thing that seemed to distract him for long enough were the aunties dancing! He was probably wondering what on earth his Nani was doing haha!
He also resorted to hitting me yesterday when i redirected him from danger/”told him off” which was really upsetting. He’s never done that before (not with intent anyway!). I know it’s probably normal and all kids probably go through it at some point or another but he isn’t even 1 yet?! I don’t know how to deal with that? When do you start disciplining a baby? And how?! What if he ends up being a child that runs riot even in public? I feel so nervous and stressed. Am I doing something wrong as a mother? 

I hate feeling right this when returning to work is so close. I have four weeks left. I had planned on it being fun filled. I really hope yesterday was just a bad day and not the start of a new phase because I honestly don’t know how I’ll deal with it. I know I probably sound like an idiot even going off in panic mode based on one day but unfortunately that’s how my brain works. 

He’s still fast asleep now – he’s probably exhausted from yesterday. Will keep you posted on how our day unfolds. Praying and hoping for a happier one!

 

Any tips would be most welcome x

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My First Daunting Experience of Taking Arjun to a Party Alone!

Hello all, 
I hope you’re having a good week so far despite the not so happy weather! 

On Saturday, Arjun was invited to Eva and Ryley’s 2nd birthday. It was a soft play party and wasn’t too far from home. This was going to be my first experience of taking him to a party alone. It was really daunting. I usually have Preetam or my sisters with me just because I feel I need them. I think that stems from when Arjun was first born and the fact that I was physically exhausted and felt broken and bruised from the whole labour experience which meant I was unable to do much for Arjun in the first two weeks. Those two weeks resulted in my confidence really being knocked. Even till today. I’m so eternally grateful for the help I receive especially from Preetam and my sisters.

I packed Arjun’s bag and dressed him in comfy clothes so he could play freely. We set off and arrived pretty quickly. As we got there and I approached the car park and saw the “pay and display” sign. I realised I had limited change for the pay and display meter. Great. What a start I thought. Arjun was fast asleep so I managed to scrape together a few pounds to get a parking ticket. “£2 for 4 hours” is what I read. Perfect I thought! Not such a bad start after all. I had exactly that. I popped the money in feeling pleased with myself – I love it when a plan falls in place, I clicked the big green button and heard the sound of my ticket being printed. 

PANIC. 
The ticket’s expiry time was 5.05 (only an hour and a half!), what happened to my four hours?!!!! Oh gosh, I felt flustered and panicked. I had no more money! Plus what would happen when it hit 5.05?! The party was due to finish at 5.15. Was I supposed to bring Arjun back out with me to top up again?! With what money?! Should I just leave the party a little earlier?! That would be rude plus what if we are right in the middle of something?! Why does stuff like this always happen to me?! I swear I’m a sh*t magnet!!

My thoughts soon came to a halt as I spotted a traffic warden and marched up to him fuelled with disapproval that his silly machine wasn’t working. Thankfully Arjun was still asleep in the car during my mini ordeal. I asked the warden with confidence why on earth the machine had spat out the wrong ticket. To my embarrassment, I had read the machine wrong – it’s £2 for 4 hours for those who hold a local residents card. I of course had left mine at home. I felt so stupid. How did I not read that? I didn’t know what to do. All those questions rushed back in to my mind and at the same time I was really aware that the party was going to be starting. If you know me personally, you’ll know I really don’t like lateness (when in ones control). I felt so hot and bothered. 

The traffic warden watched from a distance while he jotted down info from other cars. He must have thought I was a right loon. I decided to just go inside and ask Shivani if I could borrow some money to top up again at 5. What choice did I really have? 

As I got Arjun out, the traffic warden watched. “Your car isn’t parked in the yellow box” he said. Oh FFS I thought! Thanks for telling me once I have a half asleep baby in my arms! The Range Rover does require a little attention when parking but I was so preoccupied and worried about not having enough money for the ticket that I didn’t pay much attention. As its a little larger than my last, the back side of my car was ever so slightly out of the box. He saw my face – which probably looked like I was ready to give up, keel over and collapse (I’m not even being a drama queen lol). I think at that point he felt pretty sorry for me – which isn’t normal for traffic wardens that are driven my commission! He told me not to worry and to bring him my ticket over. I suddenly became really paranoid, was he going to be mean and give me a ticket as soon as I turned around?! I didn’t really have much choice at that point so just went along with whatever he asked. I handed over my ticket, he punched in some numbers in his little handheld device; scribbled some unlegible bits on my ticket and told me to pop it back on my windscreen. So I did. He had extended by ticket to 6.15. I was taken a back by how nice this stranger was being to me. What a palaver! I really hoped this guy was genuine and wasn’t lying and that he’d restore my faith in humanity – he could be my silver lining in that mini ordeal. 

Now that I was parked (albeit dodgily), armed with my baby, gifts and change bag, we were ready to go in (finally!). I felt like I’d done a full on cardio session by this point. I was knackered. I know it sounds so minor and actually typing this out I feel a little silly because it does sound a bit ridiculous, but at the time it felt huge and so overwhelming. 

We went in and said hello to Shivani and the babies. I suddenly felt really nervous. I didn’t actually know anyone else there. What if people judged how I am with Arjun? What if he started crying?! I felt a little overwhelmed to be honest. But I was soon comforted by smiles and small talk from fellow mums and dads. 

We haven’t taken Arjun to soft play since he started crawling so I didn’t realise how much harder it is chasing after him (while dodging the other children). He is super speedy and has a mind of his own! He enjoyed the ball pit playing with Shivani’s nephew and also enjoyed his first experience of a trampoline. He seemed so happy and bright. 

     

  

  

  

  

 

Eva and Ryley looked absolutely gorgeous and I’m amazed at how much they’ve grown since we first met them when they were 8 months old in Dubai. Time has passed by quick! Arjun managed to get some playtime with the birthday boy and girl too – he loves Eva and Ryley!

   
  

 

Arjun really enjoyed his dinner there and was one of the last babies to finish – definitely my son! Haha! 

   

Arjun had a great time and if anything it really increased my confidence (and exhaustion!) or at least proved I could do it. I really enjoyed meeting other mummies and daddies – especially two of Shivani’s cousins that also have twins who were really welcoming. I have a new found respect for mums with more than one baby, because I just about manage with one!  Shivani is an amazing mum and I’m so glad we met because she understands me so well. 
And oh, I didn’t get a ticket 🙂 Nice wardens DO exist! 🙂 x

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My Mini Meltdown this Morning

As you probably already know, I’ve shared my journey of motherhood – my highs and my lows.
It’s been (it feels like) a while since I really had a breakdown related to Arjun. This morning has made me realise that I’m still quite vulnerable and easily get myself in to a crazy state.

Continue reading My Mini Meltdown this Morning

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We Finally Took on Westfield … Alone!!

Hey all!

So this post I actually wrote straight after my trip to Westfield but didn’t get the chance to proof read and post prior to us flying out. It was all a bit manic!

Now that we are back and settled, here goes!

If you’ve been following us, you’ll know that one of my biggest challenges was and still is to be able to take Arjun out to public places alone. I become overwhelmed by anxiety and fear. I guess it’s a reflection of my lack of confidence despite how ballsy I come across! A trip to Westfield alone was a major major milestone for me; I had it in my head that I HAD to one day tackle WESTFIELD (It had to be Westfield) and I HAD to do it ALONE. The words “Westfield” and “alone” were enough to set my mind in to overdrive and send me in to a state of panic which eventually meant I would mentally just shut down. I have a habit of over thinking things and over complicating them in my head which in turn means I’m easily put off – such a terrible habit. But like they say old habits die hard. That coupled with my early PND really is a recipe for disaster!
Continue reading We Finally Took on Westfield … Alone!!