Having grown up with two sisters, it was always my dream to have at least two children so they always had each other (God willing). The twins and I may fight like cat and dog, but we are tighter than ever – you mess with one of us, you’ve messed with all three (sorry for sounding like a 12 year old but it’s true!). I’m so grateful for being blessed with not one, but two of them. We share everything (most things anyway!) – our happiness and our sorrows and they really are like Arjun’s second mummies. As we grow older, the value I place on our sistership increases.
Our pregnancy was planned and mentally I’d only geared myself up for all the positive feelings I thought I’d endure when we finally saw a big fat smiley on our pregnancy test! What I didn’t realize was, how consumed with guilt I would eventually be.
Arjun is at the most beautiful and captivating age. His innocence is still present, but his curiosity means he’s become a proper little person. A person that can voice his likes and dislikes, a person that can tell you how he’s feeling most of the time, a person that has oozes love and affection but also has the ability to turn in to a little gizmo in a split second. This phase is undoubtedly my favourite. I have cried on so many occasions at the thought of it disappearing as quick as the last 27 months have. Is it bad that a part of me wishes I could save my whole self to just observe and enjoy him growing up? I spend each and every day with him, but I still find everything he does so fascinating. I never ever get bored.
Right now, he is the centre of our world – at the heart of every single thing that we do. He gets to have mummy and daddy’s undivided attention (maybe not always but more so than he will!). He’s happiest when he has both of us around him – the smile on his face and the glimmer in his eye shows us how full and content he feels when we are both with him. The last few months have been tough as we’ve lived separately from Preetam while he gets the house extension done. With the baby due a month away and us potentially moving back by Christmas, I feel like he’s barely going to have any quality time with the both of us before the new arrival. How will such a small human cope with the emotions he’ll have to ride when it comes to sharing us with another tiny person? How is he going to process foreign feelings? What if he feels rejected? What if he feels like he wasn’t enough for us that we had to “get another baby”? What if he isn’t able to express his emotions? What if he hates us? What if he becomes distant? – I’m not sure I’ll be able to cope with that. My heart would literally break.
At the moment, he’s also the only grandchild on both sides and is showered with so much love and affection. As soon as he walks in to Dada Ji’s or Nana Ji’s house, all eyes are on him and he’s bossing everyone around. Soon on Preetam’s side there’ll be three babies (Preetam’s sister is expecting a few weeks before me) and on my side there’ll be two. Again, more change. Will he feel like he wasn’t enough for everyone? At the moment, his grandparents are his place for undivided attention, will he be able to cope with sharing the people he dotes most on?
I know it’s part of life, I know he’ll have a friend for life, I know eventually he’ll learn to love his sibling but what I feel so horribly guilty about is all the emotions and feelings this little person is going to have to ride through to get to that stage. I feel awful that he’ll have to share us. That we won’t always be able to drop everything for him. I know some people will say “it’s part of life, he’ll need to deal with it one day”, I know that, I know all that, I just worry that it’s all too soon. The new baby will know no different.
I’m not even worried about the tantrums and attention seeking that may come my way (she says..) as I’m expecting that (though I’m not prepared for it), I’m more worried about his feelings and emotions. I feel so guilty as I don’t think he even understands what is happening? Will he lose his happy spirit? Will his personality change? Will he have to grow up too quick?
I know my emotions seem to be weighing really heavy on the negative side. With him reacting negatively and I know it’s a reflection of my own Guilt.
I’ll feel so guilty while I’m in labour – where he won’t be with Preetam and I. I’ll feel so awful for “leaving him out” although I obviously know he can’t be there. How on earth will I manage the last cuddle before I leave him knowing I’ll be returning with another baby? I HATE how I am sometimes, I literally torture myself, especially when it comes to change.
What if he wants a morning cuddle and I’m unable to because I’m too tired? or because I’m feeding the baby?
What if I’m unable to love two people as much as I love Arjun?
I’m trying my best to get him used to the idea of a sibling, but if I haven’t full comprehended it, how can I expect him to?
I’m sure all will be ok eventually once things settle and I’m sure soon enough I’ll be writing a post on “the guilt I feel for my second child”!!, but right now, I can’t help but feel guilty for my first!