I know I should be thinking about the bubbly and exciting times ahead, but before that I know I have to do one of the hardest things I’ll have to do … give my first born the “last hug” before coming home with his sibling.
It isn’t actually the last hug, there’ll be so many more.
But it’s the last one before he is no longer the only child.
The last one before our attention becomes divided. I don’t want to say our love becomes divided, I want to believe that our love will simply grow to accommodate two little humans.
The last one before we become a family of four.
The last one where is no longer the smallest person in our life.
Why do I feel so guilty? I feel guilty because I don’t feel like he understands despite the countless number of times we’ve read “There’s a house inside my mummy”, despite the number of babies he’s cooed over, despite the number of conversations we’ve had to talk about it. I feel like it’s some sort of betrayal. That we’ve made such a huge decision without his consent, without his knowledge. That he may feel like he’s not enough.
I feel guilty because he won’t be a part of those initial moments when the baby is born. That he’ll be oblivious to the chaos that will no doubt be unfolding at the labour ward as he is left with his masis to be entertained (or to entertain!) and will go about his day laughing and playing like it’s just any other. Without realising how much his life is about to change. My heart breaks at the thought.
How will I face giving him that last hug? How will I stop myself from crying? As challenging as it has been, I have loved being a mummy to only him. I have loved the uninterrupted cuddles, the long random conversations and enjoying as many precious moments as I possibly could. You’d think living with him, I’d get bored of his antics, never. I laugh just as hard each time he does something funny, I find him fascinating. He has helped me overcome so much in the last few years, he has been my biggest source of comfort and my strongest pillar of support – I hope I’m not hurting him. I hope he embraces me as tight as he always has even when there’s another.
I feel like that “last hug” will signify so much – the biggest thing it’ll signify is “change”. A word that always sends me in to a panic. I don’t want anything to change with Arjun.
I know I’ll embrace him as tight as possible with tears streaming down my face at the feel of his tiny little heartbeat against mine – one that he still takes comfort in… I know I’ll be breaking inside I won’t want to let go as I won’t want that little moment that signifies so much to end. I write this with tears streaming down my face as I struggle to catch my breath. A moment that signifies the end of one chapter – a chapter that has filled my life and heart with so much joy. A moment that’ll also signify the start of a new chapter – his reaction to which I have no idea. I write this with tears streaming down my face as I struggle to catch my breath.
I won’t get to enjoy every single moment of either child as I know at times things will be crazy with a newborn crying and a toddler tantruming. But I also know, there’ll be many joyful moments.
“The last hug” …