The Last Hug …

The Last Hug …


I know I should be thinking about the bubbly and exciting times ahead, but before that I know I have to do one of the hardest things I’ll have to do … give my first born the “last hug” before coming home with his sibling.

It isn’t actually the last hug, there’ll be so many more.

But it’s the last one before he is no longer the only child.

The last one before our attention becomes divided. I don’t want to say our love becomes divided, I want to believe that our love will simply grow to accommodate two little humans.

The last one before we become a family of four.

The last one where is no longer the smallest person in our life.

Why do I feel so guilty? I feel guilty because I don’t feel like he understands despite the countless number of times we’ve read “There’s a house inside my mummy”, despite the number of babies he’s cooed over, despite the number of conversations we’ve had to talk about it. I feel like it’s some sort of betrayal. That we’ve made such a huge decision without his consent, without his knowledge. That he may feel like he’s not enough.

I feel guilty because he won’t be a part of those initial moments when the baby is born. That he’ll be oblivious to the chaos that will no doubt be unfolding at the labour ward as he is left with his masis to be entertained (or to entertain!) and will go about his day laughing and playing like it’s just any other. Without realising how much his life is about to change. My heart breaks at the thought.

How will I face giving him that last hug? How will I stop myself from crying? As challenging as it has been, I have loved being a mummy to only him. I have loved the uninterrupted cuddles, the long random conversations and enjoying as many precious moments as I possibly could. You’d think living with him, I’d get bored of his antics, never. I laugh just as hard each time he does something funny, I find him fascinating. He has helped me overcome so much in the last few years, he has been my biggest source of comfort and my strongest pillar of support – I hope I’m not hurting him. I hope he embraces me as tight as he always has even when there’s another.

I feel like that “last hug” will signify so much – the biggest thing it’ll signify is “change”. A word that always sends me in to a panic. I don’t want anything to change with Arjun.

I know I’ll embrace him as tight as possible with tears streaming down my face at the feel of his tiny little heartbeat against mine – one that he still takes comfort in… I know I’ll be breaking inside I won’t want to let go as I won’t want that little moment that signifies so much to end. I write this with tears streaming down my face as I struggle to catch my breath. A moment that signifies the end of one chapter – a chapter that has filled my life and heart with so much joy. A moment that’ll also signify the start of a new chapter – his reaction to which I have no idea. I write this with tears streaming down my face as I struggle to catch my breath.

I won’t get to enjoy every single moment of either child as I know at times things will be crazy with a newborn crying and a toddler tantruming. But I also know, there’ll be many joyful moments.

“The last hug” …

Categories

4 Comments

Add yours
  1. 1
    Renu

    Oh Harps!! You’re making me cry reading this! I absolutely understand your point of view and why you are feeling so anxious but just remind yourself of all the positives that are coming your way! Arjun will come into his own being big brother and you’re going to love having such an amazing little helper on your side! I don’t even know you guys personally but from everything you’ve ever written about your amazing little boy, I just know he’s going to make you even prouder than you are now! My hearts bursting for you and I can’t wait for the lovely news of your new arrival xxxxx

  2. 2
    Kamlesh

    Harps I know exactly how you’re feeling. In my case my elder 2 were 9 and 11 (surprise baby) and I worried they will think I’m “replacing” them with a cuddly baby. However, they loved him more than me and to this day run around after him as if he was still a baby – he’s 20 now lol. It all falls into place so please don’t stress and enjoy the chaos xx

  3. 3
    Kirsty

    This had me in tears. I am expecting our second baby in April and every walk I go on with my first brings me to tears as I keep thinking there won’t be anymore times when it’s just the two of us…. I know the next chapter will be exciting, tiring, miserable at times, frustrating but I’ll miss the times that it’s just me and my boy…. x

  4. 4
    Guppy

    This just actually made me cry!! Like I have tears fully streaming down my cheeks! Like I felt every word you said, such a strong article! Your an amazing mum! I am a mum to a little girl who is 1 and I already have these emotions will she understand one day when I decide to bring another little life into this world! But you guys have a beautiful bond love reading all your articles

+ Leave a Comment