Change

I’m lying here in bed torturing myself by reminding myself that this is the last Wednesday I’ll ever get to lie in with my boys. This is the last week I’ll get to go through life at a slightly slower pace than usual. The last week I get the chance to lay next to my babies and examine every single one of their beautiful features as they lay sound asleep next to me.

I imagine this time next week it’ll be a very different picture – in fact by this time next week both the boys will be at nursery (it’s 7.15am), I’ll be rushing against time to get to my destination by 7.30am and I’ll probably be in floods of tears. Instead of greeting the boys with endless cuddles and “cold cosies” as Arjun calls them, I’ll probably be somewhat tense trying to rush against time to get out of the house. They won’t be waking up to me next to them.

It’s been almost a year and a half … it’s time to return to work. I’m struggling to process so many fears and worries – many of which all mothers in my position would be going through. I’m struggling to accept change. I’m fearful of how I will cope. How they will cope.

I feel overwhelmed. I’m losing sleep over it. I can just about cope now with managing both kids and the house – admittedly I have the help of a cleaner weekly but I’m talking about the day to day running of the house while Preetam’s at work.

Many people would call me lucky for being able to work part time – something that grates on me. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful but you see working part time can sometimes screw you over. At work, my output will be compared to those working full time, at home, I place pressure on myself to ensure things get done as I “only” work part time. So really, I’m expected to perform two roles full time. I’m worried about the kind of person I’ll become – I can be quite short already. When I’m tired or burnt out, sometimes I’m not the best mum I can be to the boys.

I’m anxious about the fact that in just a few months Arjun will be starting school which means even more change. I’m worried that he’s slipping through my fingers. I want to embrace the change and be excited instead my heartaches as each day passes. I feel guilty. I don’t want to be that mum that holds my baby back. Except he isn’t a baby any more.

Will he be ok at school? I’ll be at work, will I be “on it” enough to know that he’s ok at school? Will I have the time, the energy to be in tune with if he’s ok? I can’t bare the thought of missing any difficulties he may face or him feeling like I’m too busy to bother. How do I manage all of that? Preetam has exactly the same thoughts and feelings as me but doesn’t let him consume him like I do.

I’m anxious about how I’ll cope with Saajan’s appointments – will his development slip even further behind? Is it even right for me to go back to work with his condition? He’s settled in so well at nursery, will that always be the case? I’m dreading when Arjun and Saajan are apart at nursery – they both take so much comfort in each other. How will Arjun deal with Saajan not being around? That’s the very thing that finally helped Arjun settle in at nursery.

I sometimes find therapies and appointments tiring even while I’ve been off. Although Preetam and I go to most appointments together, I take the lead on that side of things.  I want to be present for everything. For both my kids.

I worry that on my days off, I’ll be too tired to do much with the kids. My heart breaks that there’s only a few months left of Arjun being at home with me on my days off.

I feel sad.

I don’t like change.

I’m going to miss how things are right now.

I’m going to miss my boys.

I don’t understand where the last year and a half has gone. I wish I’d savoured it a little more.

Still, I’m so grateful for my support network – my husband – we’re a pretty good team, and our  family and friends.

 

I’m going to be ok, we’re going to be ok … because there is no other choice.