Today when I picked Arjun up, it was a pretty standard nursery pick up. I walked in, gazed around the room wondering where my little monster was. I caught a glimpse of a sleeping baby with two curly bunches and assumed it was him (but it was actually a little girl!) … And then the nursery staff told me he was tucked away in the ball pool.
I don’t know why but whenever I walk in to nursery, my heart bursts with so much emotion seeing Arjun. It’s really odd and I thought I’d feel it less as time passed, but if anything it grows each day. I often find myself day dreaming about Arjun when I’m not with him. The journey from work to nursery feels like the longest journey ever and I literally run down the corridor when I get there!
Watching him play in the ball pool at nursery is different to watching him play at home. It’s a different environment. At home I don’t see him playing with other kids that often. And when he is playing with other kids, I’m usually too distracted entertaining the mummies to appreciate how heart warming it is watching my not so tiny grown up little boy. At home he’s in the comfort of our presence. I can’t quite articulate it but when I see him in a new surrounding, especially when he’s unaware of my presence, I get a feeling I can’t describe. I feel happy, I feel sad, I feel a heaviness in my heart, I feel a lump in my throat but most of all I feel so proud – he amazes me every single day. We created that little human being. He lived inside me for 9 whole months and now here he is, thriving in this big world. Enjoying life’s simple pleasures. I always want him to be that way.
Perhaps I see his independent play in a magnified way when I think of him in the future – except now he’s still dependent on me. As he grows, so will his independence.
I need to remind myself to cherish the NOW. Relish those precious moments watching him play and interact gently with his buddies oblivious to my presence in the room. Cherish this time where he rushes over to me as soon as he hears my voice or spots me in the room when I go to pick him up – I can feel his tiny heart beating so fast against me as I embrace him with excitement. Make the most of the extra cuddles he wants before I put him in his car seat after nursery. I know it isn’t going to last forever.
Today, Arjun’s key worker handed me a little Christmas card he’d made for Preetam and I. And I know Arjun didn’t write the poem but when I got home and read it – it reduced me to tears. Why? Because those four little lines captured exactly how I feel above.
I don’t do well with change and I’m not sure how on earth I’m going to cope when he’s a grown little boy not interested in making hand printed homemade cards for us (though I doubt he even is now! Thank god for nursery nurses!). He’s growing so fast. How? How is time flying past this quick? I really wish I could hit the pause button. This is my favourite age.
These special little memories are ones I’ll cherish forever and I’m so grateful I started my blog to be able to capture and journal them. I’m also so grateful to Arjun’s nursery nurses and key worker for this special little gift in particular – it’s my favourite one so far x
Ps apologies for this not being amazingly written but it’s an unedited memo x