Category: My Journey

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My Goal for Motherhood …

In one word? Survival.

I don’t have a long list of my goals.  Upon reflection, last time, I had a long mental list of things I’d do with Arjun – take him for walks, take him to baby groups, go to the park. All of which seemed so simple but didn’t really materialise in to a routine. Why? Because what I didn’t envisage was how low I would feel post birth. Setting myself the perfect little list of things to do ended up being my enemy in a way as it gave me something to focus on what I HADN’T been able to achieve. I didn’t realise that the root of everything I do as a mother stems from my mental well being. So this time, I don’t have a long list, my sole goal is “S U R V I V A L”, anything else is a bonus. 

There are so many (what seem to me) petty debates … breast vs bottle … pacifier vs no pacifier … co sleeping vs cot … the list is endless. Do those things really matter to me as much anymore? As bad as it may sound, no. 

If becoming a mother has taught me anything, it’s to want to give the best to my children. What does “giving the best to my children” actually mean? While to many, breast feeding, not giving a pacifier and not co-sleeping may be the best for their child; for me, giving the best to my child is giving them the best version of me. Giving them the best version of me means me taking care of my mental health. Me taking care of my mental health sometimes means turning to what works best for us and perhaps not the majority – what some may coin “the easy route”.

Dealing with an incredibly strong willed and emotional toddler is definitely taking its toll on me even with all the extra helping hands I have at my parents house. I’m hyper aware that once we move back home and I’m predominantly alone with two kids, I’ll definitely have to pick my battles and ensure I do what’s right for us as a family as oppose to what society thinks I should do. I’ve been warned that the jump from one to two is unimaginable and that it IS going to be tough. Can I really comprehend it? No. Can I try and prepare for it? I can try. How am I trying? By reminding myself that my sole goal is “survival”.

Am I going to try breast feeding? Yes. Am I going to beat myself up over it if I struggle and it means excessive sleepless nights? No. Does that make me a bad, selfish, useless mum? No. it makes me a strong one. Because to not give in to the pressures of society to make sure I’M ok so I can be ok for my kids, is bloody hard – “fed was best” in our case with Arjun. I recognised how the lack of sleep where I spent whole nights trying to breast feed was contributing to my downward mental spiral – I really struggled. I wish I’d been able to breastfeed, but I couldn’t for longer than a few weeks. Arjun is a happy healthy boy and with Preetam’s support, I managed to slowly come out of the dark space I was in. Last time was about trying to do the right thing by a text book, this time it’ll be about doing the right thing by my family.

Having suffered with Post Natal Depression when I had Arjun, I became so hyper aware of how little sleep contributed to my mood and mental wellbeing. I just want to make the most of my children and create happy memories whether they jump in to our bed, whether we feed them with a bottle or breast or whether they need a dummy here and there. 
I felt that with Arjun, the newborn days were spent crying, feeling low, feeling confused due to often trying to please society, not understanding that actually I was the most important person in that equation for our family – a strong mummy. I don’t want to spend the newborn days of this child in the same way. I want to have learnt from my first experience. I would be a failure if I didn’t learn from my experience with Arjun.

My sole goal is survival.

Of course I have no idea how things are going to pan out. I’m terrified of how I’ll be this time having been through it once but my experience has made me wiser. I’ve even struggled with my pregnancy. My experience has made me selfish to the world in that I’ll be doing what’s best for my children, my family and me. My sole goal is survival.

Please don’t judge me.

We’re all on our own journey, trying to do our best – OUR best for OUR situation and OUR families.

Love, support and uplift x

P.s. any tips on how on earth to cope would be most welcome!

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VBAC vs Planned C Section … My Birth Plan | Pregnancy

If you’ve been following us for a while, you’ll know my first birth didn’t quite go to plan. I was really excited for labour the first time around – perhaps a sign of my innocence and naivety at the time. I was open minded about what would need to be done and didn’t have a stringent birth plan in place as I knew with my existing hypertension, there was a chance things would slip out of my control. I felt strong and positive. 

After a failed induction, an 84 hour labour, nil by mouth for over 48 hours and it all ending in an emergency section, becoming unresponsive straight after and not meeting my precious baby till he was 4 hours old, it’s safe to say I felt pretty low. As excited as I’d been for labour, was as disappointed as I was by the whole experience at the time. I feel like my labour had a knock on effect on my feelings straight after as it definitely hindered my ability to be the best mother I could be to Arjun – I didn’t change his first nappy till he was 2 weeks old! As difficult as my emotional and physical struggle was at the time, I was so grateful for all the support I received during that time – especially from my husband and sisters.

In hindsight, it didn’t go to plan but the main thing is both Arjun and I were ok. I had a rough time but I know it’s nothing compared to what many mothers go through – what I was so super grateful for was the loving and caring staff at Hillingdon hospital who treated me as their own during my whole stay there.

As time went on, and we created beautiful memories with Arjun, labour became a distant memory. My only reminder was my thick blotchy keloid scar as a result from my c section and the frequent tinges I felt and also the constant creeping of self doubt which often consumes me.

Being pregnant with baby number two, I’m faced with the dreaded decision of my preferred birth choice. What a stark difference my attitude, feelings and approach are this time. I’ve gone from being obliviously excited the first time around to being absolutely terrified. Why though? I have to deliver the baby whichever method and I’m strong enough to deal with the aftermath – I’ve done it once and I’ll do it again. The choice between a VBAC and a planned section is weighing so heavy on me – I wish someone would make the decision for me and tell me everything is going to be ok!

Here are my feelings around both:

Food!: I genuinely believe that because I was starved for so long before my section the last time, that contributed to my slow recovery and low mood post birth massively. This time, there is an enhanced recovery programme in place for planned c sections which means you have a carb fest the night before your section and you’re encouraged to eat soon after you’ve delivered. I’m hoping this would help aid in a faster recovery so perhaps a c section this time around wouldn’t be as bad as the first time? With a VBAC there would be no starving period …!

Emergency vs Planned Section: The first time around I had an emergency section, I’ve been told a planned section is a more pleasant experience while delivering however the aftermath can be just as painful. Though I’ve heard mixed stories – I also know some mummies that were able to drive within two weeks by ensuring they took regular pain relief as directed by the hospital. But would I really be able to manage with a demanding toddler who wants to be picked up all the time? How would I cope with the pain? I remember the last time I had staples and stitches, any movement meant I could feel the little pieces of metal inside me. It was excruciating.

Keloid Scar: If I was to have a c section, they could fix my keloid scar. It’s not high up in the list of reasons to have one by any means but it’s definitely a pro given how much discomfort the scar has caused me.

Order: Given how chaotic our life is at the moment, it would be nice to have something planned.

Expectations: I know more what to expect with a section than I do with natural labour!

Current State: Given my recent health, I’m not sure I’d be able to cope with natural labour – the same concern the doctors have which is why I’ve been put on steroids to strengthen my lungs. Though I’m feeling much better, I’ve never felt so exhausted before. This worries me given I’ll soon be introduced to sleepless nights outside of my control with a toddler in tow and not the four extra pairs of hands that I’ve become used to the last few months! 

Anxiety: I’m worried something will go wrong during the section – what if they accidentally cut the baby? I know it’s a risk (albeit a very small one) as it’s something you consent to. The truth is, if they rushed it would only be in an emergency and a small cut on the baby vs saving their life really isn’t even something to ponder over when I think about it rationally. Plus, I’ve already had an emergency section and everything was fine. But equally what if something goes wrong during a VBAC? 

Help/Support: Last time, I was dependent on Preetam for two/three weeks post surgery. He had to help me shower, go to the bathroom and assist me with walking. What if I’m in the same state this time? How would he manage with two kids in tow? I am so lucky to have such a hands on father to our kids – he literally took over last time.

Recovery: A VBAC would mean there’d be a faster recovery provided all went ok. I’d be able to manage with Arjun and a newborn more so than I would be with physical limitations post a c section.

History Repeating Itself?: However there is no guarantee that a VBAC would actually work – my consultant has mentioned that I may have a small pelvis which is why Arjun wasn’t able to come out vaginally the last time. It isn’t something that can be confirmed and it would be a risk I’d have to take. What if I ended up having an emergency section again this time?

The Future: If I was to have a section this time, I’ll have no choice with what method of delivery I’d have if we decided to (and were blessed) have a third. I feel uncomfortable with something being so definitive and final.

Manageable Pain: having dealt with a fractured skull, my pain threshold was pretty high prior to delivering Arjun. After that, I’ve turned in to the biggest wimp! The pain from my last c section while carrying this baby has been unmanageable at times and I worry that opening me up again will make my abdomen weaker and cause me even more problems later.

I really do wish I had a glass ball and could see in to the future – if someone could guarantee that a VBAC would work, as terrified as I’d be and as weak as I currently feel, I’d find the fight in me.  I’m so confused and on a daily basis I sway between the two and what my preference would be.  But weighing up both, I feel right now the best thing for me, the baby and our little family would a planned section and if I do happen to go in to natural labour before then, give a VBAC a go. If there are any signs of history repeating itself with this labour, then I’d ask for a decision to be made about opting for a section without failing to progress and it resulting in an emergency one again.

I’m so grateful to have such a supportive consultant who has been a huge help in determining the best course of action for me.

Of course we have no idea how things are going to unravel, especially with my creeping blood pressure. Here’s to hoping and praying that we all have smooth sailing labours!x

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The Guilt I Never Thought I’d Feel … The Guilt of Having Another | Pregnancy

Having grown up with two sisters, it was always my dream to have at least two children so they always had each other (God willing). The twins and I may fight like cat and dog, but we are tighter than ever – you mess with one of us, you’ve messed with all three (sorry for sounding like a 12 year old but it’s true!). I’m so grateful for being blessed with not one, but two of them. We share everything (most things anyway!) – our happiness and our sorrows and they really are like Arjun’s second mummies. As we grow older, the value I place on our sistership increases.

 

Our pregnancy was planned and mentally I’d only geared myself up for all the positive feelings I thought I’d endure when we finally saw a big fat smiley on our pregnancy test! What I didn’t realize was, how consumed with guilt I would eventually be.  

 

Arjun is at the most beautiful and captivating age. His innocence is still present, but his curiosity means he’s become a proper little person. A person that can voice his likes and dislikes, a person that can tell you how he’s feeling most of the time, a person that has oozes love and affection but also has the ability to turn in to a little gizmo in a split second. This phase is undoubtedly my favourite. I have cried on so many occasions at the thought of it disappearing as quick as the last 27 months have. Is it bad that a part of me wishes I could save my whole self to just observe and enjoy him growing up? I spend each and every day with him, but I still find everything he does so fascinating. I never ever get bored.

 

 Right now, he is the centre of our world – at the heart of every single thing that we do. He gets to have mummy and daddy’s undivided attention (maybe not always but more so than he will!). He’s happiest when he has both of us around him – the smile on his face and the glimmer in his eye shows us how full and content he feels when we are both with him. The last few months have been tough as we’ve lived separately from Preetam while he gets the house extension done. With the baby due a month away and us potentially moving back by Christmas, I feel like he’s barely going to have any quality time with the both of us before the new arrival. How will such a small human cope with the emotions he’ll have to ride when it comes to sharing us with another tiny person? How is he going to process foreign feelings? What if he feels rejected? What if he feels like he wasn’t enough for us that we had to “get another baby”? What if he isn’t able to express his emotions? What if he hates us? What if he becomes distant? – I’m not sure I’ll be able to cope with that. My heart would literally break.

 

 At the moment, he’s also the only grandchild on both sides and is showered with so much love and affection. As soon as he walks in to Dada Ji’s or Nana Ji’s house, all eyes are on him and he’s bossing everyone around. Soon on Preetam’s side there’ll be three babies (Preetam’s sister is expecting a few weeks before me) and on my side there’ll be two. Again, more change. Will he feel like he wasn’t enough for everyone? At the moment, his grandparents are his place for undivided attention, will he be able to cope with sharing the people he dotes most on?

 

I know it’s part of life, I know he’ll have a friend for life, I know eventually he’ll learn to love his sibling but what I feel so horribly guilty about is all the emotions and feelings this little person is going to have to ride through to get to that stage. I feel awful that he’ll have to share us. That we won’t always be able to drop everything for him. I know some people will say “it’s part of life, he’ll need to deal with it one day”, I know that, I know all that, I just worry that it’s all too soon. The new baby will know no different.

 

I’m not even worried about the tantrums and attention seeking that may come my way (she says..) as I’m expecting that (though I’m not prepared for it), I’m more worried about his feelings and emotions. I feel so guilty as I don’t think he even understands what is happening? Will he lose his happy spirit? Will his personality change? Will he have to grow up too quick?

 

I know my emotions seem to be weighing really heavy on the negative side. With him reacting negatively and I know it’s a reflection of my own Guilt. 

 

I’ll feel so guilty while I’m in labour – where he won’t be with Preetam and I. I’ll feel so awful for “leaving him out” although I obviously know he can’t be there. How on earth will I manage the last cuddle before I leave him knowing I’ll be returning with another baby? I HATE how I am sometimes, I literally torture myself, especially when it comes to change.

 

What if he wants a morning cuddle and I’m unable to because I’m too tired? or because I’m feeding the baby?

 

What if I’m unable to love two people as much as I love Arjun?
I’m trying my best to get him used to the idea of a sibling, but if I haven’t full comprehended it, how can I expect him to?

 

I’m sure all will be ok eventually once things settle and I’m sure soon enough I’ll be writing a post on “the guilt I feel for my second child”!!, but right now, I can’t help but feel guilty for my first!
x

 

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How This Pregnancy Compares to my First … | Pregnancy

It’s a question I get asked a lot! It’s definitely been different but I guess every pregnancy would be regardless of all the old wives tales! A wild concoction of hormones is bound to cause havoc in lots of ways! 

Here’s how this pregnancy compares to my first …

1) I can’t sleep when I want: I definitely took for granted the long naps and kick back time I had with my first pregnancy. I pretty much napped when I wanted as I had no responsibility of another little human. It’s very different this time! Fortunately, I’ve had my parents by my side the last few months and it’s been a God send – they’re always there to watch over Arjun when I really need a nap.

2) No more app obsession: I don’t even know how many weeks I am when asked! It’s pretty scary! Last time I found myself religiously checking an app daily to see the size and development of the baby, this time I have to think about what trimester I’m in!

3) Morning sickness: last time it was predominantly limited to the first trimester. This time it was the first and second and occasionally now.

4) I’m pregnant?!: I honestly don’t feel like I’ve absorbed the reality that we’re even pregnant yet! Yes I feel super uncomfortable but I forget I’m pregnant as I’m running around after a toddler this time. You don’t get much time to think! I also think with our first, we had so much to organize and buy with lots of extensive to do lists, this time I’m not as panicked as I know somewhere in my upside down chaotic house, the stuff exists already! Getting bits done last time really helped with absorbing the reality. It hasn’t hit Preetam or I this time at all.

5) A different kind of excitement: This time, my excitement is more for Arjun having a sibling though I have my fears and anxieties surrounding that too!

6) No regular cravings: with Arjun I predominantly craved samosas and slush puppies. This time, it’s all a bit random and once I’ve eaten something I’m “craving”, I’m usually done with it. Apart from strawberry and orange Ribena (must be cartoned) which I’m addicted to! I’ve had more food aversions than cravings – I can’t stand eggs or cheese sauce!

7) Scan diary: with both pregnancies, I’ve required extra scans due to my blood pressure. Last time, I had a whole little diary dedicated to growth scans, this time, I have random scan pictures lying around. I really ought to get those organised! I’ve found the scans a lot more emotional this time – perhaps as I know what to expect a little more when the baby arrives and the reality that once upon a time Arjun was a little image on that screen too and now look at him! I still find it all so overwhelming and fascinating how the human body works!

8) Stress management: I’m not as stressed about things being “right” as I know we just need a bed, boob/bottle and nappies at the beginning! Last time I was so OTT about everything being in its place though Preetam did commend me on my organisational skills after as my labour didn’t quite go to plan but he was easily able to find his way around the nursery!

9) Intervention: this time I’ve had counseling throughout my pregnancy to manage any potential depression during/after the birth of this baby. It’s been a massive help. I feel my anxieties are heightened given my experience with Arjun. Last time I was a little oblivious to what could happen and thought I had everything under control.

10) Fewer appointments: maybe twice a month compared to twice weekly the first time around. Having said that, I do now have to go in twice a week but it’s a lot later than the 28 weeks onwards I had to start going in twice last time!

11) Post C section!: My internal c section scar has really caused havoc. I obviously didn’t have that to deal with the last time around! During my second trimester I was in agony and they believe I have scar tissue trapped between my wound which caused me so much pain.

12) Hand me downs: the novelty of decorating a nursery has definitely worn off so baby gets Arjun’s nursery and Arjun gets the new room! This also applies to clothing – my sisters especially went crazy buying clothes for Arjun, much of which is neutral and was hardly worn so the new baby will definitely be wearing some of Arjun’s clothes!

13) Sleepless nights: I slept like a baby with Arjun! Now I struggle most nights. I don’t think I’ve slept a full night since I’ve been pregnant (even though Arjun now does manage to sleep through!). I’m guaranteed to be awake between 3am and 5am. I have no idea why. Sometimes it’s because I can’t get comfortable and other times it’s because I’m reflecting on very vivid dreams!

14) Barely remember to take bump shots!


15) Pre natal vitamins: it was a ritual last time and this time I’ve been so terrible with remembering!

16) Radiant glow?: Now the only glow I have is the results of translucent powder! I look pretty dull and tired most of the time!

17) Aches and pains: I don’t recall ever having such bad back ache and heartburn last time. It’s been difficult to manage especially when having to lift a toddler. I’m constantly told not to, but how can I not when he’s asking for mummy?! Leaving him screaming in the middle of the street isn’t an option unfortunately! 

18) Border line neurotic: I’m still neurotic though to a much lesser extent (there aren’t enough hours in the day). I still had a gazillion scans before 12 weeks but definitely no where near as many as I did with Arjun (we saved a mini fortune this time!).

19) Blood pressure: I still have hypertension and it sucks. But my silver lining is that we get extra growth scans due to high risk of pre eclampsia.

20) Baldy locks: I’m getting hair loss on my head but growth on my body (sod’s law!) as I did the last time.

21) Still eating for ten (I need any excuse :() ..!

22) Snoring: someone please tell me I’m not the only one?!? It happened when I was pregnant with Arjun too … Preetam burst my bubble of thinking it was a cute little diddy snore by recording me while I slept … I resemble more a JCB tractor revving! I’m pretty sure it’s a lot worse this pregnancy than last time though!

23) Maternity leave: this time I’ve had no rest at all so far while on maternity leave. Who knew picking paint could take up a whole day?! I’ve literally been non stop this time between trying to get baby bits sorted at my mums house, to helping with picking bits for our house, sewing, blogging and running around after Arjun. I’m on burn out! It’ll be interesting to see how the stark difference in how I spent my maternity leave this time and last time impacts my labour(!). Last time I really got to enjoy a slow paced last few weeks before baby arrived!

24) I’m carrying “lower”: not sure if this means anything but lots of people have mentioned it

25) SPD: Thankfully it’s been manageable but I didn’t have it last time!

26) Larger than life: I was smaller at this stage of my pregnancy with Arjun than I am now but they say it’s common to look bigger with your subsequent pregnancies. My waddle definitely started a lot earlier on this time!

How did your second pregnancy compare to your first?x

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Rest in Eternal Peace My Beautiful Suzi Thai Ji … 

I can’t believe the day has come – the reality that everyone knew was dawning upon us, but the one that no one really thought would happen … you’ve left us Thai Ji.

We filled the precious minutes and hours we shared speaking about mostly happy memories – you laughing from the pit of your stomach as you watched Arjun and his little antics, how you reminisced about me as a little girl, your grandkids and their hilarious ways. We didn’t always talk about happy times though, we also shared sadder times. We were always there for each other, like friends. You’d never guess there was almost a 50 year age gap!

I never spoke about your health unless you bought it up, our time wasn’t for that. Maybe I could never face the harsh reality, maybe I chose not to speak about it too much as I didn’t want to have those memories, I wanted to take you away from your stresses and worries. I wanted to laugh with you. I’ve never known someone that’s had so much shit thrown their way through life but braved it and fought it with so much strength. Someone that lived life like there was no tomorrow but dreamt like you had forever.

You always were a second mother to me. Someone I could turn to about everything and anything without the fear of being judged. Someone I could laugh with, someone I could cry with, someone I took comfort in, someone that gave me so much strength. I’m pretty sure my “no shit” attitude comes from you lol.

You shared my childhood memories more than anyone – you laughed just as hard everytime you told stories. The one about me shouting “Donald’s” everytime we drove past McDonald’s, how I would give all the shorter chips to you guys but keep the longer ones for myself (some things never change!); how I wanted a sausage at the chippy and how you had to explain to me that they’re meat; how I called oranges “hondages”. You were the one that put me in to my 7pm bedtime routine when I was little – one that’s stuck! Haha! Heera always complains about me going up to bed by 9 lol.

You knew me as well as my own mum – both times I’ve been pregnant, you knew as soon as you saw me and I was only a few weeks. I could never lie to you. I trusted you with my life.

I loved receiving your text messages – I always knew they’d be filled with something exciting when I saw your name flash up. The most recent was your excitement at buying your new car – an old school Rolls Royce. That’s the one thing I loved so much about you Thai Ji – your ability to enjoy every single moment of life, no matter how unwell you were, whatever life threw at you, you lived it like you had forever. And we all believed that – we really believed you’d be here forever. That you were invincible – you are the strongest woman I know. But I guess you were done fighting.

78, 78 whole years, to me you were my age! Always had your hair done, your nails done, donning some form of leopard print garms, your gold earrings on, one of your 500 pairs of shoes on! You always dressed well and embraced the Indian culture too, “I’m not gori, I’m Indian” you’d say.

Everyone adored you, everyone knew you. You were always life and soul of the party – such a character. Your departure has affected even people that only ever had a brief encounter with you – you had such a presence. Such a radiant soul and one so full of love. You genuinely cared about everyone. You always asked about my Biji, my cousins, my in laws. You always took the time out to ask about each and every person.

You chose and named Chico, Bruno was yours. Your love for dogs is something everyone will remember. I’m grateful to have a small piece of something you loved so dearly – I promise to be more involved in taking care of Bruno! If I fail, you know Preetam won’t let you down. I had told you that Friday that since I’ve been pregnant, dogs irritate me. “Oh sharrrap” was your response lol. 

 I don’t know what we’ll do when it comes to the dogs – you were always our first port of call when we ever had any dog related issues. It was because of you Chico’s life was saved when he was poorly as a pup. How will I bring another baby in to this world without your guidance on dogs and babies again? I’ve forgotten everything Thai Ji.

Everyone keeps telling me I should feel grateful and happy that you spent a part of your last full day in this world with me – you chose to come and see Arj and I at my mums. You surprised us. Except I didn’t know it would be the last time I’d see you. So instead of giving you my whole hearted attention, I spent those three hours on the laptop searching for dining tables while we chatted. You were so excited watching Reg and Arj play – the first time you saw them together and sadly your last. You showed us your car and we laughed hard at your enthusiasm for life and your “and what” attitude – so endearing. So inspirational. You had lunch with us – pindia and toast. Had I known it was our last, I would’ve made cholleh bhattureh – your favourite. You looked well Thai Ji, you looked really well. I never would’ve thought that was the last time we’d meet.

Thai Ji, anytime we ever parted, we always hugged and kissed each other. Why was Friday different? It was the first time you didn’t say goodbye – it was the first time you told me you wanted to sneak out as you didn’t want Arj to cry. You didn’t even say “goodbye darling” like you usually would. Why didn’t you hug me one last time? Is it because you knew it’d be the last? Every time I think of you leaving, I cry. I can’t bare the thought that I will never see you again.

I don’t know how I will ever move on from this. I don’t know what I will tell Arjun – he always asks for “Suzi”. He loved feeding Bella with you, running around like a lunatic at your house, admiring the fish with you. He had the same love for you as I did.


My heart feels broken, it feels like such a horrible nightmare. You told me to go out with Heera the following day and to enjoy ourselves, we did Thai Ji. We went out for dinner and to the cinema – something we’ve only done once since having Arjun. It was perfect. We did what you told us to – enjoy ourselves. We spoke about you so much, what we didn’t realise was that at that same moment you were slipping away and leaving us.

That night we got home and were laughing and joking with the twins and mum and dad came down at 11pm. They’d usually be fast asleep. I didn’t think anything of it … it all happened so fast, “we have something to tell you they said”, “what?” We said. “Suzi’s gone” they said.

“Suzi’s gone”

“Suzi’s gone”

“Suzi’s gone”

I can’t get those words out of my head and I can’t get that feeling any further away. My heart sinks every time I think of that night. The night is a blur but what I felt is so vivid. Every time I think of Arjun’s reaction to my reaction to the saddest news. I couldn’t even take any comfort in my son.

I am forever grateful to your daughter and grandchildren – to call me and check that I’m ok the night they lost their mum/nan, I’ll never forget. During their own grief of losing the closest person to them, they thought of me. They understood our bond, how close we were. Somehow I’ve been able to draw some strength from them by crying together and laughing together. Maybe because in that moment, you’re still here with us.

Two weeks on and it’s time for you to be put to rest. Except I’m not allowed to be there … because I’m pregnant. I guess these traditions exist for a reason. I know you wouldn’t want me there as you know I won’t be able to handle it. I’m a mess Thai Ji. How can I ever say goodbye? I want to remember your radiant face and bouncy personality. I can’t handle seeing your lifeless soul. Equally, I can’t handle being away from everyone, and not being a part of your final journey. It will never feel real to me. I can’t even get out of bed. I don’t want to face the day. I feel like I can’t breath. 


Why is the one thing that’s guaranteed in life -death, so hard to accept?

I took you for granted – I always assumed you’d be here Thai Ji. I love you so much, my heart is hurting. I’m struggling to take comfort in anything other than knowing you weren’t in pain during your final few moments.

I’ll miss your love for life Thai Ji
I’ll miss my annual birthday cards always addressed “to my daughter”
I’ll miss my confidant
I’ll miss someone sharing my childhood memories with me

I’ll miss your potty mouth

I’ll miss your cheekiness
I’ll miss you

Thank you for visiting me in my dream and letting me know you’re ok. Please come again soon Thai Ji … I’ll be waiting for you.

Rest in eternal peace … until we meet again my precious angel 💔 I love you x

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Life …

No idea where to start with this post but I’m hoping unloading my thoughts will help me a) clear my head b) rationalise my thoughts. I also think it’s really important for me to be able to look back at my journey to appreciate where I am. Excuse the typos, the rubbish English and use of grammar, I’m knackered!
As much as social media may portray all is well, most days, I’m struggling at the moment.

Uncertainty … My life seems full of it at the moment. There is so much going on and it all seems to be happening around me. Like I’m in a dream watching on as a bystander. The recent death of my beloved second mum – my Suzi Thai Ji (aunti), our house extension, still living at my parents, a baby on the way, the guilt around Arjun having to share our attention …the list feels endless.

There is so much change happening, dealing with a new baby alone was enough to send me in to a frenzied panic without all the other change alongside it.

We started our extension in May and in my mind I would be back home, getting ready for our upcoming arrival by now. The reality is, I’m still at my parents. As much as I absolutely love being with my parents and my sisters, and having the extra pairs of hands and support has really been amazing, in my head I would be back home and getting things ready for the baby. Unfortunately the house isn’t ready for us to go back just yet. With no kitchen, no water downstairs, a house full of thick dust and still a construction site, we are no closer to moving back in the next few weeks.

I have no hospital bag ready, I have no baby clothes washed and ironed, I have no car seat at the ready, I have no moses basket ready. Yes I still have 2 months to go but 2 months isn’t that long? I’ve tried to do a few online shops for hospital bag essentials to make myself feel better but instead I’ve found myself in even more of a mess with half of it being delivered to my parent’s house, half of it to my house and really having no clue where anything is. My car is full of stuff so much so that there’s no room for passengers.

I can’t get Arjun’s newborn clothes down from the loft to reuse for the baby as there is no washing machine plumbed in at my house and they would get filled with dust in no time even if I was able to wash them. There is also no place to store them as we need to shift Arjun’s clothes out of the nursery and in to his new room but we can’t do that till the new carpet has come and the new furniture in Arjun’s room has arrived which won’t be till after the carpet has been lifted to finish off the wiring.

I feel so unprepared. And I feel like I have no control over what’s going on. It’s not as easy as pulling down one bag from the loft – I wasn’t sensible enough to sort things by age always. Out of the 15 odd huge bags we have up there, some of them are a combination of car seat bits, shoes, muslins and clothes! So I’d need to take all of them down to sort through them. Argh! For a normally organised person, I was pretty disorganised – I blame the sleepless nights.

The sleepless nights …something that I’ve become all too familiar with again. I slept like a baby when I was pregnant with Arjun. I’m sure a lack of sleep is adding to my anxiety. I’m wide awake between 4-6am every single night and my sleep till 4am is broken. The aches and pains I’m experiencing this pregnancy are alien to me. I didn’t have this (not that I remember anyway) when pregnant with Arjun. It often means I’m physically not able to do much –something that I’m finding so frustrating. With a demanding toddler who often wants to be picked up for comfort, an upside down house and a new baby to prepare for, being physically restricted is really frustrating.

I know Preetam shares my frustrations as I appreciate so much how hard he is working for us. He’s working flat out and sacrificing being with his son to get things done fast. I admire him for his drive – going to work in London, working an intense job and then coming home and working till past midnight to do it all over again this next day can’t be easy. As with most construction projects, things don’t always go to plan – materials don’t always get delivered when they’re supposed to or things sometimes take a little longer than anticipated which has meant sometimes things our out of Preetam’s control.

While his focus is on getting the house ready (rightly so), I’m not sure he understands the maternal instinct and my need to get things sorted – I’ve always been the one that takes charge of leading things with Arjun so he’s not really too aware of what’s involved. I think for him, the house is the priority and the baby will be here on it’s due date – wishful thinking! Similarly to me, he likes things planned and on schedule … unfortunately baby business doesn’t work that way. They say it’s common for the second to come early…!

The labour … I haven’t even thought about labour. It just seems like a “thing” on a list, it doesn’t feel real. What fate do I have in store this time? Will the baby be ok? … My goodness, we still have so much to deal with.

Will Preetam be ok this time? If I don’t feel like I’m ready or that it hasn’t hit me, how on earth would it have hit him? I don’t think he has any idea. He’s frantically trying to get the house ready and that’s his primary focus at the moment. He was absolutely amazing when Arjun was born, I just hope it’s not all too much for him this time around. He was my back bone especially during the first year, I don’t know what I’ll do if he’s on burn out this time around. I feel guilty for even thinking that way knowing he’s already under so much pressure.

The baby … I can’t fathom that once we move back in to our new home, it won’t just be the three of us, there’ll be a fourth. I can’t seem to grasp it. How will I take care of a newborn again?! I feel like I’ve completely forgotten everything. I know everyone says it’ll come back to me but the truth is that doesn’t comfort me in any way. Because I have so much other uncertainty I don’t feel like I have the mental breathing space to comprehend that soon our responsibilities will double. I don’t even remember what you pack in a baby change bag? The change bag is currently covered in dust! 😐

With Arjun, I had 6 weeks off on maternity leave before he was born to absorb what was happening around me, to get used to the idea of a tiny little human. To really embrace it. And even still I struggled. I’m fearful that with my maternity leave being consumed with trying to get the house ready, I won’t get that time. I’ll probably be exhausted before the baby arrives and I’m worried that tiredness will send me in a downward spiral.

I’m really worried about how I’ll cope. My mind feels so cluttered mentally and I’m struggling to find a small space in my head to manoeuvre my thoughts and clear my head.

Maternity leave seemed so far away when I’d first put in my maternity leave request at work and it’s suddenly crept up on me. Next week is my last week at work. I had it all worked out between then and now. This was meant to be a lovely experience. We’d planned to get pregnant, I had hopes and wishes for his pregnancy too like I did with Arjun, I’ve not been able to do any of them and it feels like the last seven months have just whizzed by and I’ve not had a chance to enjoy any of it or just be in the moment. I really don’t want to make that mistake once the baby is here. I want to cherish every single moment because if Arjun has taught me anything, it’s that time really does slip through your fingers.

I’m feeling so guilty for Arjun too – I’d planned a beautiful few months before baby’s arrival. Family trips to the farm, the park, cinema. Making the most as the three of us. We haven’t been able to do any of it. I feel so guilty that soon he’ll have to share us. I’ve cried about it so many times. I know I always wanted him to have a sibling and I am so grateful to God for blessing us with another, but I can’t help but feel guilty as his oblivious little self wanders. I’ll probably write a separate post on this as I’m on a mini rollercoaster with this alone.

Last Saturday we lost my Thai Ji. I’ve never lost someone so close to me and I have no idea how to cope. My heart breaks every time I think of the day she passed – it’s unbelievable. I can’t comprehend it it. We’d spent part of the day together the day before. She was so happy to see her great grandson Reggie and Arjun playing together. I had no idea that would be the last time we’d see each other, the last time I’d hear her voice. I miss her so much already. I’ve found myself turning to my phone to text/call her so many times the last week like I always have. Except she’s no longer there. I can’t handle the thought of her not being in my life. I don’t know how to process it or how to accept it. Death is the one thing that’s guaranteed in life but the hardest thing to accept.

I feel emotionally, physically and mentally drained and the only tiny person that I’m taking comfort in at the moment is Arjun. That stresses me out too. What a burden for him.

My inability to always be able to cope at the moment has unfortunately meant Arjun has joined the iPhone gang. I’ve recently found myself relying on my iPhone to act as a babysitter for 15 minutes while u have a quick nap as I am too exhausted to deal with him. I’ve relied on it so much so that he now asks for it. I guess I’ve been lucky that he’s escaped the phone bug for the last 28 months but i cant help but feel really frustrated with myself for allowing it to happen.

I have no issue with Arjun using a phone / iPad. In fact, most of what he wants to do is either colouring, a puzzle or watching videos about colours and shapes. No. it’s the way in which it changes his behaviour. He is so oblivious to what is going on around him and that bothers me. It bothers me badly. I’m not sure if it’s because of the distance of the screen from his face, but the TV doesn’t quite have the same impact on him.

I really hate that I now use my phone to settle him when he’s having a tantrum, or when I need a break because I am mentally and physically drained. I’m conditioning him to rely on it. He knows exactly how to get it.

I’m so sorry that this is such a heavily negative post – I’m all about silver linings and I KNOW the change surrounding the baby and our home is temporary and soon all order will be restored and we’ll be able to create wonderful memories (God willing). I wish the same could be said about my Thai Ji.

I am so grateful that soon we will be back in our humble dream home reunited as a little family … the journey to get there just feels a little bit muddled.

My silver lining is that I get to spend lots of quality time with my parents – my family have been such a huge pillar of support especially during this last week where I have really struggled emotionally; Arjun is now fully potty trained which I’m not sure would have been the case without them!; and I’ve managed to still keep on top of things with Baby Brain Apparel (which turned 1 yesterday!) as difficult as it’s been!

Yes the next few months feel so uncertain for us, I have no idea whether I’ll be back home in time for this baby to arrive, what sort of labour I’ll have, what state the house will be in when we do move back, but the truth is, it’s out of my control and stressing over it won’t change anything – I just need to keep reminding myself of that. I wish I could compile a structured to do list but my to do list is dependent on other things out of my control.

Here’s to hoping I figure shit out!x

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Our Potty Training Journey, Tips and Advice!

I’ve had lots of messages asking about potty training and how we went about it. I’m not sure when the “correct” time to officially class your child as “potty trained” is hence why I’d not yet shared this post! It’s been almost 3 weeks since Arjun last wore a nappy and there definitely is no going back now despite the odd accident!

Here’s a quick over view of where we are at:
1. He now 90% of the time tells us when he needs to go and often will go to the potty/toilet himself
2. His accidents are usually when he’s distracted where he sometimes needs to be reminded to go or if he’s had a particularly bad day e.g. missing his daddy
3. 90% of any accidents he does have are at nursery
4. He’s become so helpful and independent – If he pees in the potty, he likes to flush it down the toilet himself!
5. He pulls his own pants up and down
6. We managed a day trip to Birmingham without any accidents
7. We managed a whole weekend of wedding functions and a birthday party at a trampoline park without any accidents
8. He can now sleep the night without a nappy on and has gone from needing a wee as soon as he wakes up to now being able to hold it in for at least half an hour before going to the toilet by himself

To be honest, it was a dream both Preetam and I had to get Arjun potty trained before baby number 2 arrives – the thought of having to change 2 lots of nappies was not appealing! I didn’t think we’d actually be able to turn it around and make it a reality though!

 

He’s now 28 months old (almost 2 and a half) and is communicating more and more. We began the process while Arjun and I were still living at home and to say it was difficult is an understatement. There is so much change going on in Arjun’s life right now AND we don’t have a toilet downstairs. We placed a potty downstairs for when he needed to go.

To be completely honest, he has really excelled since we moved to my parent’s house – I guess the four extra pair of hands doesn’t go a miss! My dad in particular made it his mission to get Arjun off nappies and his patience and perseverance has definitely made a huge impact!

Here is how we approached potty training:

 

 

Timeframe

Action
4 months ago Arjun would sometimes tell us when he’d done wee in his nappy. He often told us when he needed to poo.
3 months ago We began with periods when at home or grandparents with pants on and placing him on the toilet using a trainer seat every 30 minutes. At bedtime or when out we would put a nappy on him.

 

We tried pull ups for a very short while and then decided against it. My sister is a nursery nurse and recommended we just stick to pants to avoid confusing him.
2.5 months ago I informed nursery that he was ready to start potty training while there too and stocked up on lots of pants and ensured he had several changes of clothes while there. He had several accidents while at nursery initially but soon got the gist of things by copying his buddies. We continued with pants at home after nursery but still put a nappy on him at bedtime or when out.
1.5 months ago One evening, Arjun decided he didn’t want to wear a nappy to bed. We fought it as we were so tired from sleep regression and having to change wet bedding in the middle of the night didn’t seem like fun. We put a nappy on him while he slept. Big mistake on our part. When he woke, his nappy was dry. He was still having the odd accident (I’d say 1 every 2-3 days when at home).
1 month ago We moved to my parent’s house a month ago and soon after decided to ditch the nappy all together about ten days ago. Initially we would have to place him on the toilet every 30 minutes or any time he woke from a nap or had just had fluid. We still remind him but now he is much better at telling us.
3 weeks ago Arjun went out for the first time without a nappy on for 3 hours. I invested in a portable toilet seat for when we are out as I sensed he didn’t feel comfortable without.

 

We went cold turkey with the nappy and Arjun slept through the night without a nappy on and had no accidents. In the first week where we totally boycotted nappies, he had 1 accident during the night and 1 accident first thing in the morning when he’s woken up. Since then, he can now hold in his wee for up to half an hour after waking and goes to the toilet himself.
2 weeks ago We did a day trip to Birmingham on the Sunday without any accidents and he told us most times when he wanted to go. The remaining he went when we placed him on the toilet.

 

On the Monday, when he returned to nursery, he had a bit of a regressive day where he had four accidents during the day. He seemed to re-find his footing on Tuesday and touch wood things are back on track. Since then, we’ve had two accidents at home.

 

Since then, he’s had several trips out armed with his portable potty seat and is really comfortable going out in public. We managed a trip to the farm without any trouble too!

 

 

 
This week He managed a whole weekend of wedding functions and a trip to the trampoline park without any accidents.   I was super proud of him!

 

He’s become as lot more proactive with going to the potty by himself now and they have also noticed his progress at nursery where he wants to clear up after himself by clearing his wee from the potty in to the toilet and flushing himself!

It’s now been almost 3 weeks since Arjun last wore a nappy. Has he had accidents? Yes. Have they been unbearable? No.

Here are our top potty training essentials:

1. Stock up on pants, cheap pants: We stocked up on Asda pants for nursery which are 7 pairs for £2.50. The “nicer” pairs, I picked up from Primark and the character ones (Paw Patrol) from B&M Stores.

paw-patrol-pants

2. A toilet trainer seat: if we had a toilet downstairs, we wouldn’t have bothered with a potty. We ensured there is a Tippitoes Toilet Trainer Seat for the upstairs toilet at our house and at both grandparents houses. They are brilliant, secure and reasonably priced.

tomee-tippee-trainer-seat

3. Reward charts: we haven’t used a reward chart as such, but we did get reward stickers and Arjun sticks them on his bedroom wall (and then peels them off again!). They also use stickers at nursery. We got specific potty training reward stickers.

toilet-stickers

4. Potty: if like us you dont have a downstairs toilet, place a potty downstairs especially at the beginning to minimise accidents and so that your toddler always has access to a toilet. There are lots on the market however we opted for 99p ones from Home Bargains!  When Arjun is in the garden, we also always place a potty for him outside so he can go himself if he needs to. The distance from our garden to the upstairs toilet is a fair bit for a small person!

basic-potty

5. Get a portable toilet seat for when out: they are brilliant and come with a little plastic case to keep them in. Our one fits in our Skip Hop rucksack. We went for the portable folding travel potty seat.  I’d highly recommend it!

portable-trainer-seat

6. Bed mats or a mattress protector: for night time accidents without ruining your favourite mattress!

7. Get a little stool: so they can climb up and down themselves.

I’m definitely no expert and we clearly have a bit of a while to go but here are my top potty training tips:

1. Wait until your child is ready: We judged this by when Arjun could communicate and began telling us if he wanted a nappy change. I did attempt before this but struggled, its felt a little easier since he’s been on board. It also helps that his new nursery room has potty training facilities for consistency and also seeing other children sitting on the potty made him want to do it too.

2. Spare pants and a change of clothes when out: Just incase you have an accident!

3. Don’t be scared: What’s the worst that can happen?! They’ll have an accident! So what, change them!

4. Let them choose their pants: when home, we let Arjun choose which pants he’d like to wear. His favourites are the dinosaurs, footballs and Paw Patrol.

5. Wear pull up bottoms: such as jogging bottoms or leggings. Nothing too fussy so that they can pull their own bottoms up and down. Encourage them to be independent but always be there to offer a helping hand! I let Arjun wipe his bottom after going for a number 2, but will always do it for him after.

6. Boys and their bits: tell him to tuck it in unless you want an accident!

7. Plan your outings: ensure you place them on the toilet before you go out, as soon as you reach your destination, during your trip and as soon as you get home.

8. Routine: if you feed your child at the same time everyday, they will probably have a routine. Arjun poo’s before 10 after breakfast and around 4pm like clockwork most days.

9. Don’t use pull ups: it’s confusing for a child to distinguish between pull ups and a nappy. Arjun treated it the same as a nappy.

10. Go cold turkey on the nappy as soon as possible: keeping the nappy seemed to be confusing for Arjun and he’s done much better since we’ve given the nappy up.

11. Make toilet time fun: Arjun and I always have little conversations or sing songs when he’s on the toilet to make it more fun.

12. Praise praise praise: if he has an accident, I never tell him off (as difficult and frustrating as it can be at times!) – I’m pretty sure he’d prefer not to pee in his pants but it’s bound to happen! Instead I remind him of what we do. When he does go on the toilet, I give him lots of cuddles and praise. My dad also treated him to a present as he was so proud the first night he went without a nappy.

13. Follow your child’s lead: let them guide you. When Arjun told us he didn’t want a nappy on at night, we should have listened!

14. Remind them they are wearing pants: I especially do this during the night and when in the car!

15. Get everyone on board: it’s honestly been so much easier because I’ve had four extra pairs of hands to help me. I know this isn’t the usual family situation, but if you can get family members on board and set up for when you visit their homes, it’ll be a lot easier.

16. Get nursery on board: Arjun spends three full days there and although most of his accidents happen there, I’m grateful that they are persevering. It also helps as several other children in his room are also potty training.

17. Regular toilet time: although Arjun now tells us when he wants to go, we still ensure we place him on the toilet at least once an hour to remind him especially when he’s distracted.
I’d love to hear your potty training tips and any other advice!

 

For those mamas embarking on the same journey, good luck, be confident and don’t be scared!

x

 

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Why Today’s Growth Scan Was So Special | Pregnancy 

What a nightmare taking Arjun to the hospital for appointments, even with Preetam there! He’s non stop! 

Today was different though, I don’t mean his Duracell bunny antics of running up and down the corridor amusing those waiting for their appointment (which always seems to take forever!). No, he still did that. It was his reaction to our scan. 

One of the perks (there aren’t many) of being a high risk patient is that I get extra growth scans to ensure baby is ok. With high blood pressure (not pregnancy related), I’ve always been at high risk of pre eclampsia – where the placenta breaks down and eventually the baby is starved if undetected. 

Arjun’s been to quite a few of my scans but he’s never really been overly bothered. He either freaks out at the sight of his mummy lying on a bed being poked and prodded or he chooses to have a tantrum – perhaps he does understand what’s going on and that’s his way of grabbing our attention. Either way, it can be a pain. 

Not quite sure what was different about today. Not sure if his understanding is growing? Or maybe he was a bit pissed off with me for politely (uh hem) having a hissy fit at Preetam for allowing Arjun to pick chocolate biscuits at the hospital canteen, so he didn’t mind me being poked and prodded?! No idea but it was the sweetest thing watching him watch his baby brother/sister on the screen and waving. Mid way through he took my hand and held it tight. He seemed really content and happy in that moment. More than the little baby on the screen, I was in awe of Arjun’s reaction. It made it so special.  The gesture of him holding my hand felt like he was telling me “mummy it’s going to be ok, I’m going to be ok” – I’ve been feeling so guilty recently (will share my feelings in a separate post) and I take so much comfort in his reassurance. I am so grateful to have him by my side through everything, even when he isn’t playing ball. 

When checking, the sonographer made a comment that “baby needs a wee” as it’s bladder was full at which point Arjun also decided he needed one. I guess that’s a small taste of what’s to come! 

Today was so special – my favourite scan to date. Because I felt like he was a part of it. He excitedly told me after how he saw “beby” on the “TV”. I hope he’s just as excited when the baby is actually here!

x

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We Did It! … We Went to the Farm Alone Today!

Big deal right?! It is in my world. 

It’s the first “proper” challenge I’ve faced alone with Arjun since being pregnant. I woke up this morning wondering whether I should take him out given he’d been cooped up inside all day yesterday. I came up with so many reasons to not go …

He always wants to be carried since finding out we’re pregnant

He’s now off nappies, what if he had an accident? 

What if he runs off? I don’t have his reigns with me and even if I did he hates them on. 

What if he had a tantrum? 

What if he didn’t sit still through lunch? 

To name a few! I really didn’t expect myself to take him – I always come up with these great ideas and they very rarely materialise. I was especially put off as a few days ago a friend and I popped in to Matalan and he refused to play ball. He wasn’t necessarily “naughty” in the tantruming sense (not at the beginning anyway), instead he was running away from us and I found it all a bit stressful. I couldn’t imagine doing that alone with him. I must have forgotten about that Matalan incident and had a moment of madness when I decided to get ready to go. 

I was invited to give my opinion on “fussy eating” on the BBC Asian Network radio this morning. As soon as I was done, I started getting dressed without thinking quickly before I could talk myself out of it. I packed his bag armed with two spare pairs of bottoms, a few pairs of pants and his collapsable toilet seat. I really really have a deep desire to do these things with Arjun but my lack of confidence and fear always wins. I really don’t want my children to miss out because of my own issues and I’m so conscious time is flying and one day I’ll regret not making as many memories as possible. Plus while I’m at my parents, it’s the perfect opportunity to test the waters as I have that extra support when I got back. 

I told Arjun we were going to see animals and he excitedly began (trying) to dress himself whilst singing baa baa black sheep at the top of his lungs! He was super excited and it made my heart feel whole. 

As we were driving, he fell asleep. I panicked. I even thought about turning back. The local farm is only a 15 minute drive from my parents. What if he had a tantrum when I woke him up as his sleep wouldn’t be complete? 

I managed to convince myself to carry on and I’d deal with it when we got there if that situation arose. When we arrived, Arjun woke up himself and excitedly squealed. I got him or the car but he decided he wanted to take his tool box with him which was packed with paint (don’t ask!). He had a huge meltdown when I said he could as I knew I’d end up carrying it around. It wasn’t the greatest start and I felt apprehensive straight away. I decided to pick him up before he threw himself on the ground. I always get told not to lift him but what am I supposed to do in those situations?!

Once we got to the front desk, he was perky and happy again armed with a carton of SMA and Peppa Pig breadsticks. I got him some animal feed which he was equally excited for – despite struggling to hold everything, he refused to let me help him. 

We had such a nice time walking around – he liked the goats, pigs and chickens but was pretty scared of the cows and sheep as they were pretty noisy. As soon as entered the farm he was obsessed with finding the rabbits. I love that he has preferences and his own likes and dislikes now and that he can express them. We had the added bonus of Heathrow airport being down the road and so being able to plane spot at the same time! He also got to have fun on the bouncy castles. 

We were there for about 40 minutes once we’d been around and I was contemplating leaving when a lovely staff member who’d seen us earlier informed us that they were doing an interactive animal session. She mentioned rabbits AND snakes. I’m terrified of snakes but I know Arjun loves both of those animals and I didn’t want to deprive him of it. 

I am so grateful to that kind lady for stopping us as it was one of the most joyful experiences with Arjun. He sat with my arm wrapped around him clutching at my hand as he listened with intent to them telling us about the animals. He loved stroking the snake, guinea pig, rat (!!!!) millipede and especially the bunny rabbit. He wasn’t so keen on the water dragon and frog though he did have a “ribbet ribbet” conversation with the frog lol. He was a little apprehensive about touching the snake at first which meant I had to put on my big girl panties and my brave face and show him I wasn’t scared to touch, he then followed. That little snippet made me realise how much his confidence will rely on mine. How he probably watches my every move and a lot of how I feel will be brushing off on to me. It saddens me as I feel he is being punished for my journey. 

That aside, we had a really lovely afternoon. He was too tired for lunch so I picked up a take away on the way home and just enjoyed my lunch as he’s in deep sleep! 

I feel so proud of myself, and so proud of him. It wasn’t easy but it wasn’t difficult either. I can’t imagine ever doing it with two kids but maybe I’ll surprise myself one day. 

Oh and we didn’t end up using the spare change of clothes or pants but we did use his toilet seat 🙂 

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This Wife’s Guilt … 

As you probably know, the last few weeks Arjun and I have been living with my parents as our house is currently a hazardous zone with major construction work happening. 

Preetam’s daily routine consists of waking up at 6am, usually doing a building materials run based on what the builders need, coming home, getting ready for work, taking the train in to London, doing a full day at work, coming back home, changing straight in to his work wear, eating whatever he can grab (usually a slice of bread and cheese or scrambled egg!) and diving straight in to building work … sometimes he’s working till past midnight and then does it all over again the next day. How he does it, I will never know. The amount I worry I about him, I do know. 

I’ve felt so guilty the last few weeks, there isn’t a fully functioning kitchen at home and I know that feeling when you’ve had a long day at work and want to come home to a hearty cooked meal. 

It’s been so difficult running up and down from my parents house to my house to work to nursery to hospital … between work, sewing, managing a toddler – I feel physically and mentally exhausted but my physical exhaustion cannot be anywhere near Preetams. The pressure of having to have a house in a reasonable state in preparation for the arrival of a newborn, the thought of a newborn, managing a big construction project, being away from his son – so many times he’s broken down, and living alone …to top it off infrequently cooked meals for him as I just haven’t been able to manage everything just feels like too much. I’ve cried so many times at the thought – my heart literally breaks. I wish we could be a family and I could be there to support him, I’m really missing him. But I also know this is temporary and it’s the right thing to do to get things done quickly. Like any couple, we sure have had our ups and downs, but there is nothing quite like home – as much as my parents home will always be my first home and Arjun and I are being absolutely spoilt here, home is where my husband and son are. 

Today I decided to surprise him by cooking some of his favourite comfort food that can be frozen while Arjun napped to keep at our house so that he has hearty food when he fancies it. I feel so awful that it’s so cold, he’s working so hard, and I haven’t even been able to provide at least that… it looks like a cheese feast but at least he’ll have a few of his favourites a few times a week whenever he fancies it and there’ll be a few bits left over for when we go back … Broccoli cheese, lasagne and macaroni cheese! It makes me feel better that as helpless as I feel right now, at least I can feed him even though he’ll probably never want to see any of those dishes again! Haha! I haven’t been able to spend any time with Preetam and today it’s felt like I’ve invested time in us, in our relationship in a weird way. 

I am so proud of the man that he is – I don’t know anyone that works as hard as he does and is so knowledgable in so many things. I’m so lucky to have him as my husband and as the father of my kids – Arjun and his sibling will learn so much from him and Arjun is already a mini version of his dad. Always ready to help, so hands on and so keen to learn. 
I am forever grateful for how much he does for us. 
I’m making the most of my time at my parents house as I know I’ll be heartbroken all over again when it’s time to leave but I can’t help but miss my home too. It’s a shame that Indian girls have to leave home to get married and live with their husbands!! If only it was acceptable for them to come and live with our parents 😉 Still, I’m lucky to live so close to my mum and dad. 

I’m looking forward to being reunited as a family and starting the next chapter in our lives in our beautiful humble home with my precious little family x