My Emotional Rollercoaster On My Biggest Baby’s First Day at School …

As I sit here having dropped my beautiful first born to school for the first time, I’m lost for words. My heart feels broken. I’m torn between guilt, excitement, sadness, anxiety and joy. How is that even possible?

Recently, I’ve been working really hard at managing my anxiety better but to be completely honest, the last few days have knocked me for 6. I’ve not been able to sleep during the night, which has reduced my mood further during the day and has heightened my feelings of sadness. I associate school with the beginning of the end of my little boy being my little boy. I associate it with him suddenly growing up – making more friends, learning a new found independence, which in turn means he’ll drift from me. I feel incredibly selfish for feeling this way but I can’t seem to shake it.

I’ve never hidden just how much Arjun has unknowingly been there for me. Through my own mental battles, he’s been my biggest source of strength and when Saajan was born, he was the person that literally saved my life. I don’t know where I would be without him. He’s such a caring and intuitive little person. For me, the thought of him drifting away from me, sets off alarm bells and my separation anxiety kicks in. I don’t let him in on how I’m feeling – I’ve been psyching him up for school even though deep down my heart has felt so heavy.

I’ve been used to having him by my side at least every Tuesday and Friday since he started nursery and I can’t imagine what I’ll do on the days that he used to be off with me. I know I have Saajan, but that in itself doesn’t replace my time with Arjun. I feel lost, sad and empty. I wish I could slow time down!

The truth is, we’ve dealt with change in the past – nursery, having another baby, having to move house temporarily. But all of those still meant we had an element of control. School feels different. Now our lives are regimented by the rules and regulations of the system. Now I can’t keep my baby home for the day if we feel like spending time with together, now I can’t sneak him out of school early for a quick ice cream like I could at nursery … things are going to be so different.

I feel sad that the boys are now apart. They are literally each other’s heart beat. They saw each other every single day when at nursery together and more than Saajan, I worry about how Arjun will cope without a little burst of love during his day from Saajan. Who will be Saajan’s little voice and advocate at nursery now?

Arjun isn’t your average 4 year old – he’s been through things that I wish he hadn’t had to – seeing his parents struggle with their mental health when Saajan was born, having to witness Saajan undergo open heart surgery and generally adjusting to a life that has become normal to him and includes regular therapy sessions for his baby brother. In turn, he’s become such a patient, compassionate and supportive well rounded little boy. But I can’t under play that sometimes he struggles to process his emotions and make sense of the situation. He’s 4.

The emotional rollercoaster we’ve embarked on since applying for schools for Arjun has been a tiring one. We’ve had to make some difficult decisions recently and it’s been a mental battle. It’s been exhausting and so confusing! Originally, we’d applied for a school that we really loved, but we’d also hoped that Arjun’s best friend would get in too (many of their neighbours attend and we didn’t think there’d be a problem). We were ecstatic when Arjun got his first place but it was short lived when I found out his best friend didn’t. I know children are resilient, I know children adapt … I’ve heard it ALL before which is why I decided to keep our decision private till now. You see, we know our child best, and we know that sometimes he can become quite an introvert when he’s feeling sad or worried. There have been times where Saajan may have had a temperature before bedtime and is feeling under the weather and Arjun will wake up crying in the middle of the night panicking to see his brother – it breaks my
heart.

He often speaks to his best friend at nursery about Saajan or about things at home and I’ve always valued that so much – that he has an outlet and feels he can share his feelings and worries with someone else. I was devastated that his best friend didn’t get in.

After weighing up the pros and cons and speaking to Arjun, we decided to put in a late application for the same school as his best friend as a) it was closer to home b) his mental health is more important to us than any amount of education and we felt the transition would be easier if he had his friends with him c) both schools had the same ofsted rating and we were happy with both. After applying, I decided to leave it in God’s hands.

When judgement day came, we had the upsetting news that he didn’t get in and had been placed on the waiting list at number 1. I was hopeful. When I called back a few weeks later, he’d slipped to place 4. My anxiety kicked in again but i decided to try and squash it and just focus on our holiday to Punta Cana that was near approaching.

The day before we were due to fly out, we received the letter – he’d been offered a place! I was beside myself, I was so happy, so grateful and everything felt like it had fallen in to place. Arjun was over the moon and couldn’t wait!

Although his first settling in session didn’t quite go to plan – he was a wreck, I knew we’d made the right decision as it would have been even harder had he not have had any familiar faces. We were also delighted to learn that by the time Saajan starts school, there will be another 4 pupils with Down Syndrome which means the school will hopefully be well equipped.

I’m so excited for Arjun to start this new chapter in his life despite my own selfish worries. I’m so incredibly proud of the little boy that he’s become – he has the most beautiful foundation through his life experiences and I can’t wait to see how he flourishes in a new environment!

He’s been challenging recently but I think it’s a sign that he’s ready for the next phase in his life – he’s ready to learn, he’s ready to grow and I need to let go …

This morning was pretty eventful! I’d prepared a home made morning reward chart for Arjun and had hoped it would help get him going … oh how wrong I was! He STILL dragged his feet and didn’t really understand the urgency of having to be somewhere by a certain time. He didn’t want to brush his teeth when I’d asked, or change his clothes, instead he wanted to lie down for “5 minutes with my family” but his 5 minutes seemed to have no end! As sweet as it was, it was also incredibly frustrating – I’m hoping he forms a routine quickly.

Anyway, we managed to get him dressed and out on time (with a pair of green pants that he insisted on wearing as thats his favourite colour lol) and he even managed a quick play session with his toys while he wolfed down his rice crispies. We managed to get in a few first day of school pictures – even that was a theatrical performance with him! Haha! He looked so stinkin cute but so grown up!

We’d made a card for his new teacher and got her a small gift – I think it’s easy to forget that it’s also a journey for teachers too. Not only do they arm out little heroes with a wealth of knowledge, but they’re also there to support them during the biggest transition of their lives to date. We wanted to show our gratitude.

He was so excited to see his friends and took to his new surroundings like a fish to water much to our surprise! He just about managed to say bye to us as he excitedly sat at the desk with his friends and began colouring in …

And so it begins …