Category: My Journey

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Today I did something I never thought I’d do …

Today I did something I never thought I’d do. Something I’ve always had a huge fear of. The thought of it always made me feel panicked.

I took my son to the park. Alone.

Today I’m really proud of myself. Today I faced a long lasting fear of mine.

To most, the above will sound ridiculous and oh so dramatic. I can totally understand why. To the others that also suffer with anxiety or that have followed my journey, you’ll understand what a huge deal it is to tackle hurdles. It was even bigger than me taking on Westfield alone. Westfield was about my belief that I’d be unable to cope if Arjun cried so about something I had control of – my actions. My fear around going to parks is about something I can’t control – scary people. 

It was quite random actually. I was on my way to collect Arjun from nursery, shades on, the sun was beaming, Kiss FM was blaring, I was in a happy place. A happy place always makes me a little braver. The thought crossed my mind.

I didn’t have Arjun’s change bag on me, that meant no nappies and no water.

That would make me a bad mum right?

Would there be more creepers out today as the days are longer?

What if he didn’t hold my hand?

What if he ran off?

I quickly stopped myself and made the decision I was going to take him based on his mood.

I picked him up and he was in great mood. I got to have one of those moments where he was oblivious to my presence and carried on playing in his make believe innocent little world. I always find it so precious and endearing watching his imagination flow. He was playing with a Peppa Pig plush and a trolley. They seemed to be on some sort of mission … Before I could figure out what that mission was, he caught me. He came rushing over and embraced me.

We got in the car and he asked me to put the window down – He was also aware of what a beautiful day it was today. He loves being outdoors. Today was my chance to have one on one time with him in his element. I was feeling brave much to my amazement.

The park is 5 minutes from home and I did consider going back to get his change bag when I pulled up behind the ice cream van outside the park. I stopped myself. I knew I’d put myself off coming back.

We were going to do this. We were going to get ice cream, sit in the sun and play on the swings and slides like “normal” people.

So what if I didn’t have his change bag … He’d just had his nappy changed at nursery.

So what if I didn’t have wipes … I’d use his hoody and a bottle of water that was lying around in the car to wipe his hands and ice cream face.

So what if I didn’t have water … I could buy it off the ice cream man if we needed it.

To answer myself back like I did above was a huge mini break through for me. I’m really good at talking myself out of uncomfortable situations.

I took my jumper off – I knew I’d be running around after him and I’d get far too hot. Plus lots of layers flusters me more!!

We decided to grab an ice cream each first and laughed and ate them as we strolled towards the kids play area.
  

I could see it was packed. This made me feel calmer in one sense as it meant it was hopefully safer but on the other hand I panicked about Arjun having a mini melt down with an audience.

It was too late now anyway.

45 minutes passed by so quick. We had such a blast – all the other mummies there were so friendly and patient. Arjun was on his best behaviour – it was almost like he knew how scary it was for me to take him there alone. I turned in to a big kid with him. We played peekaboo in the tunnel, I went on the slide with him, we squealed on the swings together. It felt like he understood my fears – I’ve said it before. He seems so much more patient during my most fearful times.
           
 
 
It was such an amazingly pleasant experience. Something so simple has made me feel so proud. I hope he enjoyed our time as much as I did. Watching him play with such confidence and being oblivious to my fears made me feel stronger. 

  

  
I hope I pluck up the courage to go again soon. Despite the risk of potential weirdos, normal good people go to the park too. While I was there, I didn’t even think about my fears and anxieties, I was so wrapped up in being in the moment with my little blessing. I had so much fun and I’m so glad we did it so spontaneously. It also enabled Arjun to see a different side to me – one that he’s not been exposed to one on one. How weird is it that he’s almost two and we’ve never been to the park alone?

Thank you my beautiful boy, for continuing to be my teeny tiny but biggest pillar of confidence and support. I love you so so much. I am so thankful to God for blessing me with him – he continues to make me challenge myself and to become a better person in different ways. 
x

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Arjun’s 2nd Vaisakhi … Vaisakhi 2016

Wednesday 13th April was the 317th Sikh new year. If you’d like to read more about Vaisakhi, you can do so in my blog post on Arjun’s first Vaisakhi.

The fundamental teachings of Sikhism by Guru Nanak Dev Ji that I outlined last year are outlined below. Instilling these teachings in Arjun from a really young age is so important to me. I know he’s only little but I believe you’re never too young to learn. On my journey of trying to teach him, I’m also teaching myself.

• Kirat Karo: Work hard and honestly. I always encourage Arjun to be active and hard working. Though he’s too little to have a job in its realist sense, it matters to me that he’s not lazy. We always encourage him to help us in whatever we are doing (as long as it isn’t too messy! Ha!). We’re lucky that he enjoys helping and getting involved and is quite an active little guy be it helping with putting the shopping away, takin care of Bruno or cleaning! When we go to the Gurdwara, although it’s usually quite a quick session, he had his own little piece of cloth that he uses for seva to clean the windows and railings at the Gurdwara. 


• Naam Jappo: Always remember God throughout the day in your mind and soul. If you follow us on Instagram and Facebook, Arjun’s videos of him doing Simran, playing tabla and listening to kirtan won’t be an unfamiliar sight. I really do believe he has a special little bond with God that he was born with. He’ll often say “Waheguru” randomly and he associates it with calm.

• Wand Ke Chhako: Share what you have with the needy – this extends out to langar being offered at Gurdwaras (Sikh temple) for free – one of the most prominent traits of Sikhism. Everyone is welcome to come and eat. Sikhism also strongly emanates equality believing that there are no differences between men and women, races, religions or castes and everyone sits on the floor together and eats – King or beggar. Though he’s not quite mastered the art of sharing his toys, he’s really kind and giving where it comes to food. He’ll always offer his food to whoever is around – it’s really sweet (even Peppa and her family!).

This year, we ended up going to the Gurdwara the day after Vaisakhi as Vaisakhi day ended up being quite hectic with nursery and work. Arjun really enjoyed doing seva and actually lasted longer than 30 seconds (40 seconds is still longer than 30!!) and he understood what to do as soon as he saw his little cloth which is reserved especially for Gurdwara seva. We enjoyed langar and even got to see Nana Ji who was hosting a Gurdwara tour at the same time. I always feel proud of my dad when I bump in to him at the Gurdwara during his Gurdwara show arounds. He does them for tiny tots all the way up to mature students. Seeing the letters written from the little children to say thank you is the sweetest thing. I’m super proud of my dad and once Arjun’s a little older, I can’t wait for him to learn from my dad. He’ll love hearing the stories my dad tells about the Gurus. He’s bursting with knowledge and I’m so grateful I have such easy access to it.

        

We let Arjun pick his Vaisakhi gift this year – we knew it would be Peppa related! He even took Grandpa Pig and his train to the Gurdwara with us.

This year our Vaisakhi craft session was using Arjun’s current favourite material – any sort of writing device! I cut out a flag and coloured it orange and let him doodle with a navy blue sharpie (very brave of me!) and he loved it. He was so proud of his little master piece and held on tight to it for most of the morning.

Last Sunday, Arjun and I went to the Nagar Kirtan and he appreciated it so much more this year than last as he’s now walking and is so much more aware of his surroundings. We went along with my sister Harv and our family friends Pavan and her mum. He totally loved having his Masis at either side of him.

I don’t know why, or if it’s even relatable to anyone else, but every Nagar Kirtan I always find myself totally overwhelmed with emotion – especially when I see the main float with Maharaj (Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji – our current Guru). The beautiful floral decor, the gold domes, the echoing sounds of kirtan bursting through the streets of Southall, the Panj Pyareh donning the Guru’s uniform, the hundreds of stalls serving food and drink, the sevadars clearing the streets to ensure no litter, the tens of thousands of people that have gathered for the procession. I find it all so overwhelming and I’m so proud to be part of a religion that is so giving. That welcomes all regardless of gender, age, race or colour. I felt complete and calm as soon as we’d done matha tekh (although it was chaotic!). Arjun enjoyed cholleh bhattureh after he’d watched a gatka display – a Sikh martial art which includes all ranges. The little children looked especially cute in the Sikh uniform. Arjun loved watching the bright colours and sea of people slowly float past us as we watched the procession pass. He was in awe and really enjoyed it.

              

We had a lovely Vaisakhi and I’m already looking forward to next year where Arjun will have even more of an awareness.

Hope those of you that celebrated had a wonderful and blessed one x

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The “Perfect Mum” 

I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t …

1) If I leave him places, I’m a rubbish mum for not spending every precious moment with him. If I don’t, I’m an over protective one.

2) If I rock him to calm him, I’m spoiling him. If I let him have a dummy to pacify him, I’m being an selfish mum as he’s going to end up with slowed speech.

3) If I let him try a little bit of everything food wise, I’m a slacker mum for letting him eat “junk”. If I’m too fussy, I’m a secret-eater-producing mum.

  

4) If I bottle feed, I’m a lazy and uncaring mum that’s not providing the best for her child. If I’m a battling breastfeeding mum, I’m being a stubborn mum for not accepting that bottle may be best in my case as I’ll be better rested for my baby. When I tried to breastfeed post a traumatic birth, I was a knackered-in pain-low energy mum but at least my child got the best nutrition right?

5) If I let him self soothe, I’m an evil mum. If I cuddle him to comfort him, I’m a clingy-baby-making mum.

  

6) If I discipline him, I’m being a military mum. If I don’t, I’m a spoilt-brat-creating mum.

  

7) If I send him to relatives instead of nursery, I’m an irresponsible mum for relying on others. If I send him to nursery, I’m being an awful mother for not ensuring he receives one on one care.

8) If I let him do messy play, I’m encouraging him to cause chaos and turn the house upside down and therefore I’m a shambolic and untidy mum. If I don’t, I’m being a highly strung mum.

  

9) If I give him the iPad, I’m being a negligent mum by harming his emotional and social development. If I don’t, I’m being a harsh mum by depriving him of educational apps and early learning for what he’ll be using later at school.
10) If I let him feed himself, I’m being an inattentive mum as I won’t know how much he’s eaten as half of it ends up on the floor. If I feed him, I’m being a controlling mum by not letting him learn key skills himself.

  

 
The daily struggles of a parent and dealing with labels and conflicting advice. We all get unwelcome advice. We all have that know it all in our lives that tells us the best way to do it – the best way for them, in their opinion It’s so easy to judge others without realising their full situation. There’s a balance isn’t there?

 

Unfortunately we live in a society where people are more often than not quick to point out what they believe are flaws with parenting, what you could do better, how their way works. What about those that tell you you’re doing amazing?

 

Like all parents, I’ve faced many decisions in my journey of parenthood and initially I really struggled with the raging hormones and the mixed messages I was receiving from friends, family and even strangers. But over time I realised there is no universal perfect way to parent but ultimately, if your baby is a happy one, you’re a perfect mum regardless of what anyone else thinks!x
 

  
 

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To the Obnoxious Woman on the Flight Back Home (Flight EY017, Row 4)

To the woman that aggressively just told my son to “shh be quiet people are sleeping” on the day flight back from Abu Dhabi as you visited your friend behind us. 

How dare you. 

I understand it’s frustrating. 

I understand it’s annoying. 

I understand others are napping …

… But how dare you. 

My son has just as much right as you to be on this plane. We’ve paid for our seats just like you have. 
Apologies my son doesn’t know that adults want to nap during a day flight. That his body clock is set to Abu Dhabi time and actually it’s 7pm in Abu Dhabi right now and 3pm in London so by no time zone recently known to him is it bed time. Do excuse my child for being so amateur in his ability to understand. He’s a baby. He’s done extremely well on this flight in my opinion so screw you. 

And FYI, we deliberately picked a day flight as we felt it would be less disruptive him being awake during the day than during a night flight which was the case when we went to Dubai. So yes we did consider fellow passengers. 

Do you think we haven’t encouraged Arjun to keep his voice down? Do you think I’m enjoying my son making “whooshing” sounds whilst he jumps around while others are napping? At least he’s not crying right? 

He’s happy. 

He’s smiling. 

He’s playing. 

The sound of his laugh is such a beautiful one. How could you react so unkindly? 

He slept for a whole 2.5 hours earlier. Perhaps your schedule should run by his. Just like your expecting his to run by yours? Perhaps YOU and your friend should have slept during that time. 

I wonder if you have children. If you appreciate how difficult it is to control them. If you do have children, have you forgotten? 

When and if I hear you say anything with such a harsh tongue to him again, I’ll be having a polite word. I forgave you this time for your ignorance – when you spoke so rudely to my son, you did so knowing he is unable to defend himself at his tender age. You assumed his daddy couldn’t hear you as he had his headphones on and you assumed I was asleep – what you didn’t realise was, I’m wide awake and heard your malicious piercing ugly voice. With that my blood boiled. 

How dare you. 

When a complete stranger speaks so rudely and with such a sharp tongue towards MY child , a whole new side of me comes out that I didn’t know existed. A side you probably don’t want to see. 

I hope you’re actually not that full of anger on a day to day basis because it must be pretty draining if so. I hope you were just having a bad couple of minutes and my son was at the receiving end. 

And just to be clear; I don’t have a problem with your message, I have a problem with your delivery. 

I hope you have a peaceful remaining flight and I pray that you are blessed with a softer tongue at least with children. 

P.s whoever you came to visit in the seat behind us, feel free to tell them to use the ear plugs provided. They serve a purpose 🙂 

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My Little Knight in Shining Armour … My Arjun 

Not only am I so blessed to be the mother of such a special little boy, but I’m so grateful to God for honouring me with the title of motherhood. Arjun is by far my greatest blessing in ways that I don’t even know yet – in new ways that I am learning about constantly.

I’ve never really written about what I’m about to go in to before as I’ve not felt comfortable to previously as a) because I didn’t want to plant seeds with my crazy thoughts in the minds of any one that reads my blog posts b) I guess (like most people) I’m afraid of being judged and perhaps being labelled. But now that I feel like I’m challenging my sometimes irrational behaviour, I feel I’m ready to write about it. More so now, because I feel like my son understands some of my fears and insecurities and is helping me to challenge them by leading the way. When I say leading the way, I literally mean leading the way by dragging me out of the house and giving me no choice but to face my fears!

So here goes … I’ve always been a little bit paranoid, and I don’t know what the root cause of it is, but since having Arjun I’ve become a lot worse – I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m hyper sensitive now that my motherly instinct has kicked in and it’s just heightened what was already there. Perhaps it was a particular burglary we had when I lived at my parents where someone broke in while we slept upstairs. 

To most (if not all) people, it’ll sound so ridiculous but on a daily basis I struggle with so many irrational battles (I KNOW they’re irrational) – everything is quite a task. Every single action is meticulously planned based on my thought process which is embedded with my fears. Here are a few examples of the daily anxiety I deal with:

· Preetam has to wait for me to load Arjun in to the car and let me get in and lock the car doors every morning before closing the front door. I’m so worried about a random person jumping out of no where and the thought alone makes me feel panicked.
· I’m too scared to take Arjun alone to the park or for a walk because of all the scary things I see on the news. Even knowing that those things don’t happen more than they do, I can’t seem to process it rationally!
· I’m too scared to go in to our garden when home alone with him.
· Returning home from work is a military operation for me to be able to hold my laptop bag, my handbag, Arjun’s nursery bag, my house keys AND Arjun in one go to get in the house without having to go back to the car. Slamming the front door shut behind me once back is a relief. Especially if Preetam isn’t home before me.
· When Preetam used to go to the gym, instead of watching TV, the CCTV channel would constantly be on in our house.

A tad crazy huh?

Arjun’s come in to my life, and especially more recently since he’s become a proper little person, has distracted me so much from my normal. He’s only recently started calling me “Mama” and he has no idea how much power his little voice uttering those words so lovingly to me has on me. It makes me feel empowered, strong and fearless … ok maybe not fearless, but it certainly has made me want to puff out my chest, put on my big girl panties and deal with my anxiety and fears.

It’s amazing, although he can’t talk properly yet, and I don’t really talk about my fears often in the house enough for him to have heard, he seems to have some strange understanding of them. And it’s exactly that – an understanding. He oozes patience (most of the time) and his mannerism when dealing with me is quite different to how he deals with Preetam in those situations. He’s a lot more gentle and patient – he has no idea how much he has helped me deal with things. How does he know? He’s only 19 months old. His pace has been perfect – just right without me tipping over the edge. His confidence is endearing and inspiring. 
 

He loves being outdoors, and the guilt that possessed me by not being able to fully support him in his new adventures tore me to pieces.   His “support” coupled with my guilt, my desire to want to be by his side in everything that he does and never wanting him to sense my fear and as a result become full of fear himself has encouraged me to think less and face my fears of being outdoors alone with him.

He takes my hand and clasps tight – almost like he’s reassuring me. My little baby is making me feel safe. How strange. Should I feel guilty? I’m his mother, I’m his protector. It shouldn’t be the other way around. I now happily go for a walk with him, knowing he’s by my side. I do still find myself looking over my shoulder and wouldn’t dream of letting go of his hand but I feel a little more confident. We’re able to enjoy the outdoors more and learn new words like “tree” and “sky”. I still wouldn’t take him to the park alone.

   
  
I’m able to go in the garden with him – I don’t always feel 100% comfortable, but he doesn’t give me the chance to over think as he plays and calls me over in the sweetest voice to show me something new he’s stumbled on (usually a piece of grass!). I still have a long way to go to learn to live in that moment – that moment where that piece of grass is the most fascinating thing to him and where that’s all that should matter. Not the constant niggling feeling of being hyper sensitive to my surroundings.

   
   

   

We now play with play doh or do colouring when daddy is out without the TV on. And if it is on, it’s filled with bright and bouncing images as opposed to the dreary colours of CCTV. Bruno is always close by to ensure we’re safe.

  

I may not be as comfortable as most mummies, but I’ll get there and for me, the minor progress I’ve made is pretty major.

Thank you Arjun for making me challenge myself, for holding my hand as I face my fears and for always being by my side to cross hurdles that have resided in me for years – even before you were here. Thank you for being so patient and for understanding. Being given the title of “Mama” has given me a whole new purpose to life. I’m your biggest cheerleader and will continue to be your biggest supporter x

  
It all sounds so crazy, especially putting it all down. I don’t even know if I’ll end up publishing this blog post because of it. Sometimes people are quick to belittle fears and anxieties without realising the impact it has on the day to day lives of those suffering with it. To some, it’s irrational behaviour, to me, it’s being hyper aware of my surroundings. Finding a sensible equilibrium between the two is my challenge.

If I do publish this post, it’s because a) I’ve had a moment of madness or b) there is a chance (as with many of my other posts that I’ve been afraid to share) that others out there may be able to relate to some degree. When I started my blog, I opened up my life to you – that includes the good, bad and the ugly. I’m always really conscious of not filtering how I feel as I want to be open and honest – something I’ve always prided myself in with my blog.

x

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Why do I HAVE to leave my son anywhere? 

Preetam and I are often the receivers of the words “you guys really need to start leaving Arjun places”.

This is a huge bugbear of mine. Why do we NEED to or HAVE to?

Every couple/family/child is different and we all do what works for us and our situation. I’ve always been an advocate of respecting everyone’s decisions and opinions and focusing on my own path rather than dictating to others – my own situation at times has made me sensitive to being aware that not everyone is in the same boat.

I work Monday-Wednesday during which time Arjun goes to nursery. He’s learnt so much there and is so happy to socialise with others. He eats well, plays nicely and gets to do all sorts of arts and crafts and on top of everything he gets to go in the garden and splash in puddles! Although a struggle at the beginning, as is the case with most kids settling in at nursery, he’s now at the stage where he waves us goodbye in the morning when we drop him off and he cries when we go to pick him up as he wants to stay there!

On Thursdays and Fridays I like us to spend as much time as possible together to make up for the last three days. Sometimes we’ll have a home day (very rare) but the rest of the time we spend meeting Arjun’s baby friends, seeing family and visiting the Gurdwara. I feel like my time is so precious with him, why would I want to leave him longer than I’ve already done the last three days? Why is it bad that I don’t want to leave him during the time I do have with him? What’s the point in me working three days?

We get to see Arjun’s grandparents at least once a week and he spends quality time with them – from giggles with Dadi Ji during science experiments, to playing with his cars with Dada Ji, to playing in the office with Nana Ji and playing vaja and tabla with Nani Ji, to terrorising the dogs at both houses, he has an absolute blast at both houses and is spoilt rotten by his masis, chacha and pua.

I know many couples would probably frown upon us for not spending any “us” time but the truth is, neither one of us would really feel complete without Arjun there. Date night wouldn’t be date night without our mini. Why is that bad? The only difference now is we have an even stronger common goal – Arjun.

If there was a reason we needed to leave Arjun, we would and I have done in the past. But on the regular, both Preetam and I struggle with the limited time we have as a family and we want to enjoy every minute of Arjun growing up. It won’t be long before he’s wanting to go and stay at places himself. But for now, we’re happy with him here with us as there is no real reason to leave him.

Apologies for the slight rant but it’s something I find super frustrating!
I don’t judge you, please don’t judge me.

x

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A Letter to My Son as the Year Draws to a Close … 

 

To my darling angel Arjun,  

As 2015 closes I am reminded of how much has happened and how much you have grown. Christmas along with all the fun and cheer bought with it a bitter sweet feeling for me. The age you’re at right now is my favourite by far. You’re full of crazy antics, full of love but also have a huge personality and you’re not shy to show it – a personality that people from all around the world have fallen in love with. You bring so much joy to so many peoples lives and you don’t even know it.

  

 
Christmas seems to be a clear measure of time for me. The excitement of decorating the house and see you squeal with excitement, thinking of fun filled games for the family on Christmas day, thinking of a theme, personalising gifts and most of all – spending quality time with you as a family. Exactly a year ago we celebrated your first – where you were just 6 months old and a little clueless as to why your loved ones were dressed like lunatics! Exactly a year later, you’ve grown so much and our experience of Christmas was even more exciting than the last. You filled our hearts with so much joy and we had tears rolling down our cheeks on more than one occasion in awe of you!

   

 Last year
 

  This year

As I reflect back on the past year and what 2015 had to offer, I’m overwhelmed with emotion. Your first Christmas doesn’t feel like that long ago, how is time passing so quick? Am I making the most of my time with you? I’m so conscious that things as they are wont last forever, and I try my best to make the most of the present but I know sometimes I get carried away and distracted. I’ll regret it one day. 

Daddy and I had a little moment on Christmas day as it dawned on us how much you’ve grown over the last year and how much you would have grown by next Christmas. We both really struggle with the thought. As selfish as it sounds, we both wish we could hit the pause button Arjun and relive our precious memories over and over again. I struggle to fight back the tears when I watch you contently playing with your toys, building towers and amazing little creations – how did you get so clever? Did I miss that bit? I’m overwhelmed by the thought that we created you – you have the best bits of mummy and daddy, though daddy argues your temper is just like mine!

 

As each day has passed my love for you has grown stronger and stronger. I struggled when you were first born, I’ve never hidden that. I didn’t feel that instant overwhelming connection that everyone talks about. I met you five hours after you were born and I don’t know if it was the medication, the 84 hour labour, the five hours apart where I didn’t have your tiny heart beat close to mine, or whether I was just so overwhelmed with emotion (and hormones) that I was unable to process it all, but you felt a little bit like a little stranger. I felt scared at the thought that another tiny human was now relying on me, he was dependent on me. 

 

 
My confidence was by far not at its peak at the beginning of 2015, I still felt that daddy was the one that knew you inside out, the one that knew what the right decisons for you were, the one that could take care of you better. I didn’t feel like I could take you out alone, things still felt a little alien to me, crazy given it’d been six months right? But with your help and guidance, this year I’ve overcome most of those challenges. I feel like your mummy – I’m the only one that can predict your next move every single time before you’ve probably even thought of it! We’ve come so far and I feel blessed for the journey we’ve embarked on – it’s made everything even more worth it. You’ve taught me that together, we can achieve anything. You’re my little side kick and my bestest friend.

  

 

That feeling that others talk about is no longer unfamiliar to me. That overwhelming sensation that grips every single particle in my body when I think of you, when I see you, when you hold on to me tight for comfort. The bond between a mother and baby is unbreakable – even if I feel like mine took a little longer than most to build. I promise to protect you always and forever until I take my last breath. My every move is based on your wellbeing, your comfort and your future. Thank you for giving me a reason to work so hard – my ultimate goal is to be able to spend more time with you. 

  

 

I’m so proud of you my boy. You’re growing in to such a helpful, loving, kind, considerate and God loving little boy. My heart skips a beat when I watch you do matha tekh to Guru Nanak Dev Ji and Guru Gobind Singh Ji’s picture every morning, the way you have an understanding of emotions – when someone cries you rush over to offer them comfort, the way equally you’re not afraid to express your own emotions.

You have the proudest grandparents who you never fail to amuse! Your bond with each and everyone of them is so special. 

   
 
  
  

We’ve had an amazing year – 3 holidays to Dubai, Maldives and Singapore and Bali, you started nursery, we celebrated your first birthday and we’ve been able to capture your monthly progress from your monthly updates. 

   
   
  

I know this time next year, I’m going to be an emotional wreck as I am now, but I’m so glad I’ve captured how I’m feeling today for you to read one day.  I hope your heart smiles with joy when you are able to read all the memories we’ve captured here. 

Here’s to creating even more happy memories in 2016.

I love you so much
Mummy x
 

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My 1 Year Blog Anniversary! 

Wow I can’t believe it’s been a year. I don’t remember my life without it to be honest but at the same time, I can’t believe I’m still doing it! 

I remember when I first started my blog, I spoke to my husband and sister Goov for ages debating whether I really should. I figured it would be good for me given I was struggling with baby brain so much (I still am!). My purpose for starting was to journal my thoughts and feelings and our journey. I wanted to be able to look back without the frustration of simply not remembering. I was often reduced to tears when someone would say “do you remember when Arjun did this?” And I’d have no recollection of what they were talking about. I wanted to capture all those memories so I could look back at any time. But I was scared. Really scared. I didn’t think anyone other than my mum (who accounts for about 75% of my page views!) would read it but I was scared about the reaction that the other 25% might have. Would I be able to handle it? 

Never in a million years did I think I’d get the response that I did. A year later and 1,850 Instagram followers, 1,050 Facebook followers and 1,250 Twitter followers after, the amount of personal messages I received on a weekly basis, I can’t even begin to express what an amazing journey it’s been. The mummies, daddies, parents to be, those that want to embark on the journey of parenthood, grandparents and even singletons without children that actually find my random ramblings even remotely interesting and relatable. 

I’m truly overwhelmed with the amount of love you guys have shown Arjun and I. My blog wouldn’t be what it is without our readers. I was reading over my first blog post today and it took me right back to the day I found out I was pregnant – I’m so glad I’ve given myself the gift of journaled memories to be able to relive all those beautiful times! 

Regularly I’ll bump in to someone that follows the blog and recognises us at the temple, at a shopping centre, a supermarket or a party. Thank you to all those people that have come up to us to introduce themselves and have given us such amazing feedback. If you ever do see us out and about, make sure you do come and say hi. 

Arjun is spotted often when we’re out and about – his crazy antics and signature curly hair have definitely made him a mini celebrity and it’s so sweet how much love he gets shown by people he’s never met before!
  

Opening up my life to the world was and is bloody scary, you never know what sort of response you’re going to get especially when you often delve in to slightly taboo subjects in my culture, but the one thing I’ve kept consistent throughout is to be true to myself. I have never dusted over or sugar coated what motherhood has been for me – the good times and the bad. It’s my little virtual space to express myself. In my first year I’ve managed to journal so much. My blog has encouraged me to push myself out of my comfort zone – by facing my fears and anxieties. It helped me to overcome my PND by writing about it and trying to challenge it. I’ve captured the highs and the lows and I always have this to look back on to remind myself of the journey I’ve been on.  

There have been times where I struggled to balance things at home and work with the blog. I didn’t anticipate how much time is required for blogging and how that would fit in to my life. There have been times where I’ve thought to pack it in and then I’ll receive a message from someone that reads the blog – and every time it’s been a really personal and heavy message. One that doesn’t let me stop because I’m reminded that for some crazy reason people have been able to relate and have taken comfort in my words. It was never about stats for new, if I’ve been able to help or give hope to even one person, then for me it’s been worth it. 

I didn’t think my blog would ever get noticed by anyone let alone the amazing companies I’ve had the opportunity to work with; The Gro Company, Quorn, Party Bags and Supplies, UDI’s among some of them.  I’m so grateful to have been given the opportunity to work with such reputable brands. 

Never in a million years did I think I’d rank in the top 500 of the Tots100 out of over 8,000 bloggers. 

And of course my latest adventure; Baby Brain Memoirs enabled me and inspired me to launch Baby Brain Apparel, an online store (which I managed to get up and running by myself!) specialising in hand designed tees inspired by the daily antics of Arjun and handmade leggings by me. I would never have done that without the love and support of my readers. 

   
    
    
    
    
   

I’ve met some amazing people through blogging and I’m so thankful for it! Both readers and fellow bloggers. I especially noticed the blogger love when I started my linky and launched Baby Brain Apparel when I was totally blown away with how many fellow bloggers went out of their way to share the love. 

A big thank you to Rod at Modern Dad Pages  who helped me set my first ever linky up (#BabyBrainMonday), for your continued support on Baby Brain Apparel and the blog! A big thank you to other amazing blogging friends I’ve also met (to name a few!):  Mummy and the Bubbas, Battle Mum, Absolutely Prabulous, Eat, Write, Be, Cuddle Fairy, Blood Sugar Ecmo Magik,  Eat.Live.Love and The London Mum and all the other lovely blogging mummies and daddies for your support and inspiration through differing forms! 

The above may seem tiny to some but I feel like I’ve achieved so much in my first year of blogging. I can’t imagine my life without Baby Brain Memoirs and all that comes with it!

A huge thank you to my husband for being so damn patient with me – when I’m blogging on my phone or taking a gazillion pictures for blog purposes. 

A huge thank you to my parents, my sisters, family and best friends Amrit and Sav for always encouraging me and being by my side. To Neeru for all your support and help with my site – couldn’t have done it without your help. 

A big heartfelt thank you to my followers for sharing your journey with me too. For sharing your experiences and helping me to learn so much. Thank you for sharing your deepest sorrows, your heartbreaking stories and your happy ones too. I feel so honoured that you feel you can. I may not have met most of you, but I feel a connection with you. And knowing that you’ve taken time out to even compose your messages means so much. 

The hugest thank you to my baby boy Arjun for inspiring me daily and for letting this all happen! One day you’ll probably kill me for half the stuff I’ve shared! 

Ok ok enough of my Oscar awards acceptance speech! 

But seriously, thank you to everyone for all your love, support and blessings always! I look forward to the upcoming year and riding my journey of motherhood with you! 

To celebrate a year of Baby Brain Memoirs, I’m launching our limited edition #BabyBrain tee for all the fellow baby brain mummies out there! It will be available in the new year at £15, please message me for pre orders 🙂 I hope you love it! 
  

Big love to you all!xx

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The Guilt of a Working Mum

Soon after I returned to work, I wrote a post about why it wasn’t so bad and how well I’d settled back in. Now that it’s been a good six months since I’ve been back at work, although I’m settled, I can definitely say there’s a lot of guilt that consumes me on a daily basis. Many mums may be able to relate. I’m still so grateful that I work part time which enables me to spend a few extra days with Arjun and also focus on the other things I have going on such as the blog and Baby Brain Apparel. 

The early wake ups have resorted me to tears once or twice – not because I’m too tired. No. I’m ok. I’m an early riser. More having to wake my sleeping babe up. How unsettling for him? One day we’re encouraging him to sleep for longer and the next he’s being woken at 6.45am. I feel so consumed with guilt for doing that to him. What a way to start the day. Some days we change him while he still has his eyes shut as they’re so heavy with tiredness. I feel guilty for disturbing his precious sleep, for disrupting his sweet dreams and for giving him such an abrupt start to the day. I wonder if he resents me for it. But I’m grateful that he’s settled in at nursery and the lovely staff ensure he gets sleep when he’s tired. 

I feel selfish – I chose to work 7.30am – 4pm so that we’d have some time in the evenings together. I made that decision, not him. I wonder if he’d prefer to sleep for a little longer and have a little less time with us in the evenings? I’m grateful that he’s full of love when I pick him up, he drops whatever he’s doing to come over and embrace me and my favourite part is feeling his tiny heart beat fast against mine. 

  

I feel guilty that our mornings are so rushed, that cuddles with daddy are no longer than a few minutes as we wake Arjun up as late as possible so he gets as much sleep as he can, but the flip side is he doesn’t get to spend as much time with daddy. I feel so guilty hearing his screams and cries as I pull him away from his daddy to take him to nursery. My heart breaks. But I know even five minutes longer wouldn’t be long enough. 

I feel guilty that sometimes the first proper cuddle I give him in the mornings is when I leave him at nursery because I’m so busy trying to frantically get ready despite preparing everything the night before. But I’m grateful I get two extra mornings off  to make up for it. 

  

I feel guilty that not all the meals I give him are Instagram friendly. There have been times we’ve just had cereal for dinner on the days I am at work. I comfort myself in knowing that he’s had 3 decent meals and 2 lots of good snacks while at nursery on the days I’m at work and too tired. 

I feel guilty that I’m always so tired. I don’t have the best health which often results in me feeling full of fatigue. That means I can’t always be the best mum. Sometimes I let him play independently while I lay on the sofa beside him. I feel guilty that I’m not down on the floor playing with him. I feel guilty that I’m not that fun loving mum that’s always full of energy – in fact I hardly have any energy at the best of times! But I’m grateful that he enjoys independent play to give me that ten minutes of down time. But I’m sad that he has to. 

  

I feel guilty that my house looks like a disaster zone a lot of the time – that sometimes last nights dishes are still there in the morning, toys are scattered all over the lounge, the sofa cushions aren’t placed back neatly in the right order the way I always want. I’m grateful that I have a cleaner that comes twice a week otherwise only God knows what state my house would be in! I try and comfort myself in knowing that we often have people over and are entertaining and that I can’t possibly manage everything. Or can I? Should I? I used to be so OCD and house proud, and now I feel like I don’t have the time to sort through the junk I’ve managed to hoard! But I’m glad that I’ve let go of my OCD a little and my house looks like a baby lives here – it’s house too after all. 

I feel guilty whenever I have to take time off work to be with Arjun if he’s unwell. This one pisses me off the most. Why do I feel guilty? Nothing or no one comes before my child. I’m used to being a perfectionist and giving everything I do 120% but right now it feels like I’m doing a million things at 70%. That’s tough to deal with. I feel guilty that I have a constant mental battle between my priorities. 

I feel guilty that it’s someone else that’s full of energy and fun gets to spend the day with my baby. They get to see his eyes light up when they do have the energy to play with him, to cuddle him when he wants and to watch him eat. But I’m grateful to his lovely nursery staff that help him make me the cutest keepsakes like this one. 

  

I feel guilty that I make his food and leave him to eat while I clear up the kitchen. This hit me hard last Sunday when Preetam and I took Arjun to town for lunch and I saw him eat a sandwich like an adult for the first time. It reduced to me to tears. When did that happen and how did I miss it? I’m so consumed with everything going on because I’m trying to juggle so many things like many mothers that I feel I miss things that are right before my eyes.

  
 
I feel guilty that I’m not there for him at nursery when he may need a cuddle. It’s a ratio of 3 children to 1 member of staff at nursery. That means he won’t always have someone as soon as he needs them. I’m grateful though that he takes comfort in a few of his favourite members of staff at nursery and they’re always offering him cuddles. 

I feel guilty that my time after work is often spent blogging and working on Baby Brain Apparel – both of which he was the inspiration for. But I take comfort in knowing that all of it is for his future and that I’ve managed to find a more sensible balance recently. 

It’s tough as I don’t have any “me” time. But I’d rather have mummy and son time over “me” time. When he’s older, I’m guessing “me” time will be in abundance and I’ll be reminiscing about the times I wish I’d spent more time focusing on him. 

  

 

Being a working mum isn’t easy, but being a mum full stop isn’t. The most difficult things in life are often the most rewarding. I definitely don’t have it the hardest, nor do I have it the easiest – managing work, housework, cooking, cleaning (when Jeta isn’t here!), blogging, entertaining, being a mummy, a wife, a daughter in law, a daughter, sewing and all the other randomness I have introduced in my life plus a baby is hard work!! But ultimately I’m grateful for all the blessings I have to help me cope with the guilt I’m often consumed with x