Baby Brain Memoirs

I know I should be thinking about the bubbly and exciting times ahead, but before that I know I have to do one of the hardest things I’ll have to do … give my first born the “last hug” before coming home with his sibling.

It isn’t actually the last hug, there’ll be so many more.

But it’s the last one before he is no longer the only child.

The last one before our attention becomes divided. I don’t want to say our love becomes divided, I want to believe that our love will simply grow to accommodate two little humans.

The last one before we become a family of four.

The last one where is no longer the smallest person in our life.

Why do I feel so guilty? I feel guilty because I don’t feel like he understands despite the countless number of times we’ve read “There’s a house inside my mummy”, despite the number of babies he’s cooed over, despite the number of conversations we’ve had to talk about it. I feel like it’s some sort of betrayal. That we’ve made such a huge decision without his consent, without his knowledge. That he may feel like he’s not enough.

I feel guilty because he won’t be a part of those initial moments when the baby is born. That he’ll be oblivious to the chaos that will no doubt be unfolding at the labour ward as he is left with his masis to be entertained (or to entertain!) and will go about his day laughing and playing like it’s just any other. Without realising how much his life is about to change. My heart breaks at the thought.

How will I face giving him that last hug? How will I stop myself from crying? As challenging as it has been, I have loved being a mummy to only him. I have loved the uninterrupted cuddles, the long random conversations and enjoying as many precious moments as I possibly could. You’d think living with him, I’d get bored of his antics, never. I laugh just as hard each time he does something funny, I find him fascinating. He has helped me overcome so much in the last few years, he has been my biggest source of comfort and my strongest pillar of support – I hope I’m not hurting him. I hope he embraces me as tight as he always has even when there’s another.

I feel like that “last hug” will signify so much – the biggest thing it’ll signify is “change”. A word that always sends me in to a panic. I don’t want anything to change with Arjun.

I know I’ll embrace him as tight as possible with tears streaming down my face at the feel of his tiny little heartbeat against mine – one that he still takes comfort in… I know I’ll be breaking inside I won’t want to let go as I won’t want that little moment that signifies so much to end. I write this with tears streaming down my face as I struggle to catch my breath. A moment that signifies the end of one chapter – a chapter that has filled my life and heart with so much joy. A moment that’ll also signify the start of a new chapter – his reaction to which I have no idea. I write this with tears streaming down my face as I struggle to catch my breath.

I won’t get to enjoy every single moment of either child as I know at times things will be crazy with a newborn crying and a toddler tantruming. But I also know, there’ll be many joyful moments.

“The last hug” …

In one word? Survival.

I don’t have a long list of my goals.  Upon reflection, last time, I had a long mental list of things I’d do with Arjun – take him for walks, take him to baby groups, go to the park. All of which seemed so simple but didn’t really materialise in to a routine. Why? Because what I didn’t envisage was how low I would feel post birth. Setting myself the perfect little list of things to do ended up being my enemy in a way as it gave me something to focus on what I HADN’T been able to achieve. I didn’t realise that the root of everything I do as a mother stems from my mental well being. So this time, I don’t have a long list, my sole goal is “S U R V I V A L”, anything else is a bonus. 

There are so many (what seem to me) petty debates … breast vs bottle … pacifier vs no pacifier … co sleeping vs cot … the list is endless. Do those things really matter to me as much anymore? As bad as it may sound, no. 

If becoming a mother has taught me anything, it’s to want to give the best to my children. What does “giving the best to my children” actually mean? While to many, breast feeding, not giving a pacifier and not co-sleeping may be the best for their child; for me, giving the best to my child is giving them the best version of me. Giving them the best version of me means me taking care of my mental health. Me taking care of my mental health sometimes means turning to what works best for us and perhaps not the majority – what some may coin “the easy route”.

Dealing with an incredibly strong willed and emotional toddler is definitely taking its toll on me even with all the extra helping hands I have at my parents house. I’m hyper aware that once we move back home and I’m predominantly alone with two kids, I’ll definitely have to pick my battles and ensure I do what’s right for us as a family as oppose to what society thinks I should do. I’ve been warned that the jump from one to two is unimaginable and that it IS going to be tough. Can I really comprehend it? No. Can I try and prepare for it? I can try. How am I trying? By reminding myself that my sole goal is “survival”.

Am I going to try breast feeding? Yes. Am I going to beat myself up over it if I struggle and it means excessive sleepless nights? No. Does that make me a bad, selfish, useless mum? No. it makes me a strong one. Because to not give in to the pressures of society to make sure I’M ok so I can be ok for my kids, is bloody hard – “fed was best” in our case with Arjun. I recognised how the lack of sleep where I spent whole nights trying to breast feed was contributing to my downward mental spiral – I really struggled. I wish I’d been able to breastfeed, but I couldn’t for longer than a few weeks. Arjun is a happy healthy boy and with Preetam’s support, I managed to slowly come out of the dark space I was in. Last time was about trying to do the right thing by a text book, this time it’ll be about doing the right thing by my family.

Having suffered with Post Natal Depression when I had Arjun, I became so hyper aware of how little sleep contributed to my mood and mental wellbeing. I just want to make the most of my children and create happy memories whether they jump in to our bed, whether we feed them with a bottle or breast or whether they need a dummy here and there. 
I felt that with Arjun, the newborn days were spent crying, feeling low, feeling confused due to often trying to please society, not understanding that actually I was the most important person in that equation for our family – a strong mummy. I don’t want to spend the newborn days of this child in the same way. I want to have learnt from my first experience. I would be a failure if I didn’t learn from my experience with Arjun.

My sole goal is survival.

Of course I have no idea how things are going to pan out. I’m terrified of how I’ll be this time having been through it once but my experience has made me wiser. I’ve even struggled with my pregnancy. My experience has made me selfish to the world in that I’ll be doing what’s best for my children, my family and me. My sole goal is survival.

Please don’t judge me.

We’re all on our own journey, trying to do our best – OUR best for OUR situation and OUR families.

Love, support and uplift x

P.s. any tips on how on earth to cope would be most welcome!

If you’ve been following us for a while, you’ll know my first birth didn’t quite go to plan. I was really excited for labour the first time around – perhaps a sign of my innocence and naivety at the time. I was open minded about what would need to be done and didn’t have a stringent birth plan in place as I knew with my existing hypertension, there was a chance things would slip out of my control. I felt strong and positive. 

After a failed induction, an 84 hour labour, nil by mouth for over 48 hours and it all ending in an emergency section, becoming unresponsive straight after and not meeting my precious baby till he was 4 hours old, it’s safe to say I felt pretty low. As excited as I’d been for labour, was as disappointed as I was by the whole experience at the time. I feel like my labour had a knock on effect on my feelings straight after as it definitely hindered my ability to be the best mother I could be to Arjun – I didn’t change his first nappy till he was 2 weeks old! As difficult as my emotional and physical struggle was at the time, I was so grateful for all the support I received during that time – especially from my husband and sisters.

In hindsight, it didn’t go to plan but the main thing is both Arjun and I were ok. I had a rough time but I know it’s nothing compared to what many mothers go through – what I was so super grateful for was the loving and caring staff at Hillingdon hospital who treated me as their own during my whole stay there.

As time went on, and we created beautiful memories with Arjun, labour became a distant memory. My only reminder was my thick blotchy keloid scar as a result from my c section and the frequent tinges I felt and also the constant creeping of self doubt which often consumes me.

Being pregnant with baby number two, I’m faced with the dreaded decision of my preferred birth choice. What a stark difference my attitude, feelings and approach are this time. I’ve gone from being obliviously excited the first time around to being absolutely terrified. Why though? I have to deliver the baby whichever method and I’m strong enough to deal with the aftermath – I’ve done it once and I’ll do it again. The choice between a VBAC and a planned section is weighing so heavy on me – I wish someone would make the decision for me and tell me everything is going to be ok!

Here are my feelings around both:

Food!: I genuinely believe that because I was starved for so long before my section the last time, that contributed to my slow recovery and low mood post birth massively. This time, there is an enhanced recovery programme in place for planned c sections which means you have a carb fest the night before your section and you’re encouraged to eat soon after you’ve delivered. I’m hoping this would help aid in a faster recovery so perhaps a c section this time around wouldn’t be as bad as the first time? With a VBAC there would be no starving period …!

Emergency vs Planned Section: The first time around I had an emergency section, I’ve been told a planned section is a more pleasant experience while delivering however the aftermath can be just as painful. Though I’ve heard mixed stories – I also know some mummies that were able to drive within two weeks by ensuring they took regular pain relief as directed by the hospital. But would I really be able to manage with a demanding toddler who wants to be picked up all the time? How would I cope with the pain? I remember the last time I had staples and stitches, any movement meant I could feel the little pieces of metal inside me. It was excruciating.

Keloid Scar: If I was to have a c section, they could fix my keloid scar. It’s not high up in the list of reasons to have one by any means but it’s definitely a pro given how much discomfort the scar has caused me.

Order: Given how chaotic our life is at the moment, it would be nice to have something planned.

Expectations: I know more what to expect with a section than I do with natural labour!

Current State: Given my recent health, I’m not sure I’d be able to cope with natural labour – the same concern the doctors have which is why I’ve been put on steroids to strengthen my lungs. Though I’m feeling much better, I’ve never felt so exhausted before. This worries me given I’ll soon be introduced to sleepless nights outside of my control with a toddler in tow and not the four extra pairs of hands that I’ve become used to the last few months! 

Anxiety: I’m worried something will go wrong during the section – what if they accidentally cut the baby? I know it’s a risk (albeit a very small one) as it’s something you consent to. The truth is, if they rushed it would only be in an emergency and a small cut on the baby vs saving their life really isn’t even something to ponder over when I think about it rationally. Plus, I’ve already had an emergency section and everything was fine. But equally what if something goes wrong during a VBAC? 

Help/Support: Last time, I was dependent on Preetam for two/three weeks post surgery. He had to help me shower, go to the bathroom and assist me with walking. What if I’m in the same state this time? How would he manage with two kids in tow? I am so lucky to have such a hands on father to our kids – he literally took over last time.

Recovery: A VBAC would mean there’d be a faster recovery provided all went ok. I’d be able to manage with Arjun and a newborn more so than I would be with physical limitations post a c section.

History Repeating Itself?: However there is no guarantee that a VBAC would actually work – my consultant has mentioned that I may have a small pelvis which is why Arjun wasn’t able to come out vaginally the last time. It isn’t something that can be confirmed and it would be a risk I’d have to take. What if I ended up having an emergency section again this time?

The Future: If I was to have a section this time, I’ll have no choice with what method of delivery I’d have if we decided to (and were blessed) have a third. I feel uncomfortable with something being so definitive and final.

Manageable Pain: having dealt with a fractured skull, my pain threshold was pretty high prior to delivering Arjun. After that, I’ve turned in to the biggest wimp! The pain from my last c section while carrying this baby has been unmanageable at times and I worry that opening me up again will make my abdomen weaker and cause me even more problems later.

I really do wish I had a glass ball and could see in to the future – if someone could guarantee that a VBAC would work, as terrified as I’d be and as weak as I currently feel, I’d find the fight in me.  I’m so confused and on a daily basis I sway between the two and what my preference would be.  But weighing up both, I feel right now the best thing for me, the baby and our little family would a planned section and if I do happen to go in to natural labour before then, give a VBAC a go. If there are any signs of history repeating itself with this labour, then I’d ask for a decision to be made about opting for a section without failing to progress and it resulting in an emergency one again.

I’m so grateful to have such a supportive consultant who has been a huge help in determining the best course of action for me.

Of course we have no idea how things are going to unravel, especially with my creeping blood pressure. Here’s to hoping and praying that we all have smooth sailing labours!x

Having grown up with two sisters, it was always my dream to have at least two children so they always had each other (God willing). The twins and I may fight like cat and dog, but we are tighter than ever – you mess with one of us, you’ve messed with all three (sorry for sounding like a 12 year old but it’s true!). I’m so grateful for being blessed with not one, but two of them. We share everything (most things anyway!) – our happiness and our sorrows and they really are like Arjun’s second mummies. As we grow older, the value I place on our sistership increases.

Our pregnancy was planned and mentally I’d only geared myself up for all the positive feelings I thought I’d endure when we finally saw a big fat smiley on our pregnancy test! What I didn’t realize was, how consumed with guilt I would eventually be.  

Arjun is at the most beautiful and captivating age. His innocence is still present, but his curiosity means he’s become a proper little person. A person that can voice his likes and dislikes, a person that can tell you how he’s feeling most of the time, a person that has oozes love and affection but also has the ability to turn in to a little gizmo in a split second. This phase is undoubtedly my favourite. I have cried on so many occasions at the thought of it disappearing as quick as the last 27 months have. Is it bad that a part of me wishes I could save my whole self to just observe and enjoy him growing up? I spend each and every day with him, but I still find everything he does so fascinating. I never ever get bored.

 Right now, he is the centre of our world – at the heart of every single thing that we do. He gets to have mummy and daddy’s undivided attention (maybe not always but more so than he will!). He’s happiest when he has both of us around him – the smile on his face and the glimmer in his eye shows us how full and content he feels when we are both with him. The last few months have been tough as we’ve lived separately from Preetam while he gets the house extension done. With the baby due a month away and us potentially moving back by Christmas, I feel like he’s barely going to have any quality time with the both of us before the new arrival. How will such a small human cope with the emotions he’ll have to ride when it comes to sharing us with another tiny person? How is he going to process foreign feelings? What if he feels rejected? What if he feels like he wasn’t enough for us that we had to “get another baby”? What if he isn’t able to express his emotions? What if he hates us? What if he becomes distant? – I’m not sure I’ll be able to cope with that. My heart would literally break.

 At the moment, he’s also the only grandchild on both sides and is showered with so much love and affection. As soon as he walks in to Dada Ji’s or Nana Ji’s house, all eyes are on him and he’s bossing everyone around. Soon on Preetam’s side there’ll be three babies (Preetam’s sister is expecting a few weeks before me) and on my side there’ll be two. Again, more change. Will he feel like he wasn’t enough for everyone? At the moment, his grandparents are his place for undivided attention, will he be able to cope with sharing the people he dotes most on?

I know it’s part of life, I know he’ll have a friend for life, I know eventually he’ll learn to love his sibling but what I feel so horribly guilty about is all the emotions and feelings this little person is going to have to ride through to get to that stage. I feel awful that he’ll have to share us. That we won’t always be able to drop everything for him. I know some people will say “it’s part of life, he’ll need to deal with it one day”, I know that, I know all that, I just worry that it’s all too soon. The new baby will know no different.

I’m not even worried about the tantrums and attention seeking that may come my way (she says..) as I’m expecting that (though I’m not prepared for it), I’m more worried about his feelings and emotions. I feel so guilty as I don’t think he even understands what is happening? Will he lose his happy spirit? Will his personality change? Will he have to grow up too quick?

I know my emotions seem to be weighing really heavy on the negative side. With him reacting negatively and I know it’s a reflection of my own Guilt. 

I’ll feel so guilty while I’m in labour – where he won’t be with Preetam and I. I’ll feel so awful for “leaving him out” although I obviously know he can’t be there. How on earth will I manage the last cuddle before I leave him knowing I’ll be returning with another baby? I HATE how I am sometimes, I literally torture myself, especially when it comes to change.

What if he wants a morning cuddle and I’m unable to because I’m too tired? or because I’m feeding the baby?

What if I’m unable to love two people as much as I love Arjun?
I’m trying my best to get him used to the idea of a sibling, but if I haven’t full comprehended it, how can I expect him to?

I’m sure all will be ok eventually once things settle and I’m sure soon enough I’ll be writing a post on “the guilt I feel for my second child”!!, but right now, I can’t help but feel guilty for my first!
x

It’s a question I get asked a lot! It’s definitely been different but I guess every pregnancy would be regardless of all the old wives tales! A wild concoction of hormones is bound to cause havoc in lots of ways! 

Here’s how this pregnancy compares to my first …

1) I can’t sleep when I want: I definitely took for granted the long naps and kick back time I had with my first pregnancy. I pretty much napped when I wanted as I had no responsibility of another little human. It’s very different this time! Fortunately, I’ve had my parents by my side the last few months and it’s been a God send – they’re always there to watch over Arjun when I really need a nap.

2) No more app obsession: I don’t even know how many weeks I am when asked! It’s pretty scary! Last time I found myself religiously checking an app daily to see the size and development of the baby, this time I have to think about what trimester I’m in!

3) Morning sickness: last time it was predominantly limited to the first trimester. This time it was the first and second and occasionally now.

4) I’m pregnant?!: I honestly don’t feel like I’ve absorbed the reality that we’re even pregnant yet! Yes I feel super uncomfortable but I forget I’m pregnant as I’m running around after a toddler this time. You don’t get much time to think! I also think with our first, we had so much to organize and buy with lots of extensive to do lists, this time I’m not as panicked as I know somewhere in my upside down chaotic house, the stuff exists already! Getting bits done last time really helped with absorbing the reality. It hasn’t hit Preetam or I this time at all.

5) A different kind of excitement: This time, my excitement is more for Arjun having a sibling though I have my fears and anxieties surrounding that too!

6) No regular cravings: with Arjun I predominantly craved samosas and slush puppies. This time, it’s all a bit random and once I’ve eaten something I’m “craving”, I’m usually done with it. Apart from strawberry and orange Ribena (must be cartoned) which I’m addicted to! I’ve had more food aversions than cravings – I can’t stand eggs or cheese sauce!

7) Scan diary: with both pregnancies, I’ve required extra scans due to my blood pressure. Last time, I had a whole little diary dedicated to growth scans, this time, I have random scan pictures lying around. I really ought to get those organised! I’ve found the scans a lot more emotional this time – perhaps as I know what to expect a little more when the baby arrives and the reality that once upon a time Arjun was a little image on that screen too and now look at him! I still find it all so overwhelming and fascinating how the human body works!

8) Stress management: I’m not as stressed about things being “right” as I know we just need a bed, boob/bottle and nappies at the beginning! Last time I was so OTT about everything being in its place though Preetam did commend me on my organisational skills after as my labour didn’t quite go to plan but he was easily able to find his way around the nursery!

9) Intervention: this time I’ve had counseling throughout my pregnancy to manage any potential depression during/after the birth of this baby. It’s been a massive help. I feel my anxieties are heightened given my experience with Arjun. Last time I was a little oblivious to what could happen and thought I had everything under control.

10) Fewer appointments: maybe twice a month compared to twice weekly the first time around. Having said that, I do now have to go in twice a week but it’s a lot later than the 28 weeks onwards I had to start going in twice last time!

11) Post C section!: My internal c section scar has really caused havoc. I obviously didn’t have that to deal with the last time around! During my second trimester I was in agony and they believe I have scar tissue trapped between my wound which caused me so much pain.

12) Hand me downs: the novelty of decorating a nursery has definitely worn off so baby gets Arjun’s nursery and Arjun gets the new room! This also applies to clothing – my sisters especially went crazy buying clothes for Arjun, much of which is neutral and was hardly worn so the new baby will definitely be wearing some of Arjun’s clothes!

13) Sleepless nights: I slept like a baby with Arjun! Now I struggle most nights. I don’t think I’ve slept a full night since I’ve been pregnant (even though Arjun now does manage to sleep through!). I’m guaranteed to be awake between 3am and 5am. I have no idea why. Sometimes it’s because I can’t get comfortable and other times it’s because I’m reflecting on very vivid dreams!

14) Barely remember to take bump shots!

15) Pre natal vitamins: it was a ritual last time and this time I’ve been so terrible with remembering!

16) Radiant glow?: Now the only glow I have is the results of translucent powder! I look pretty dull and tired most of the time!

17) Aches and pains: I don’t recall ever having such bad back ache and heartburn last time. It’s been difficult to manage especially when having to lift a toddler. I’m constantly told not to, but how can I not when he’s asking for mummy?! Leaving him screaming in the middle of the street isn’t an option unfortunately! 

18) Border line neurotic: I’m still neurotic though to a much lesser extent (there aren’t enough hours in the day). I still had a gazillion scans before 12 weeks but definitely no where near as many as I did with Arjun (we saved a mini fortune this time!).

19) Blood pressure: I still have hypertension and it sucks. But my silver lining is that we get extra growth scans due to high risk of pre eclampsia.

20) Baldy locks: I’m getting hair loss on my head but growth on my body (sod’s law!) as I did the last time.

21) Still eating for ten (I need any excuse :() ..!

22) Snoring: someone please tell me I’m not the only one?!? It happened when I was pregnant with Arjun too … Preetam burst my bubble of thinking it was a cute little diddy snore by recording me while I slept … I resemble more a JCB tractor revving! I’m pretty sure it’s a lot worse this pregnancy than last time though!

23) Maternity leave: this time I’ve had no rest at all so far while on maternity leave. Who knew picking paint could take up a whole day?! I’ve literally been non stop this time between trying to get baby bits sorted at my mums house, to helping with picking bits for our house, sewing, blogging and running around after Arjun. I’m on burn out! It’ll be interesting to see how the stark difference in how I spent my maternity leave this time and last time impacts my labour(!). Last time I really got to enjoy a slow paced last few weeks before baby arrived!

24) I’m carrying “lower”: not sure if this means anything but lots of people have mentioned it

25) SPD: Thankfully it’s been manageable but I didn’t have it last time!

26) Larger than life: I was smaller at this stage of my pregnancy with Arjun than I am now but they say it’s common to look bigger with your subsequent pregnancies. My waddle definitely started a lot earlier on this time!

How did your second pregnancy compare to your first?x