Harps is an award winning blogger who shares her remarkable journey of motherhood after experiencing post natal depression and an unexpected diagnosis of Down’s syndrome. Her readers have often coined her words “relatable” and “warming”.
Comes and strokes your chunni (scarf used to cover your head) while you’re trying to listen to the kirtan because I want to see if it’s the same texture as my mums
Decides that poking the shiny mirrors on your suit would be fun – it’s sensory overload for me
Sits in the middle of the matha tekh (where you bow down to the Guru Granth Sahib) queue aisle as it has the best view – I did sit there quietly for a little while 🙂
Runs off to every child in sight – I like babies so much
Your babies want to play with because I always share my toys
Flashes a smile at you when your day may not have gone so great because I’m smiley and friendly
Dances Moves to the beat of the kirtan (religious hymns)
Squeals with excitement and sings along to the kirtan
Plays tabla (indian drums) on my snack box
Likes to play peekaboo with my mummy and Masi (aunti)
So last night I decided to go to the Gurdwara (Sikh temple) to listen to kirtan. It’s been a while and I’ve been craving food for my soul! Bhai Niranjan Singh Ji was doing kirtan so I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to satisfy that craving.
My sister Goov, Arjun and I went together. I was armed with a few toys and snacks to keep him entertained.
I was so so nervous about taking him now that he’s walking. I was always one of those women that used to get distracted easily by children running around. My problem really for not being focused enough! I also had sympathy for the parents of those kids. I had no idea how difficult it was! My outlook and approach has somewhat changed after last night.
I honestly felt so out of my zone. I was so grateful to have Goov with me – it’s not something I would’ve done alone! My confidence isn’t great as you’ve probably been enlightened to. I kept questioning the situation, my mothering skills and whether my child was being a total nuisance:
Is he disturbing the peace?
Is he being disrespectful?!
Should I go pick him up?!
Is he annoying that lady?
Is she only smiling back at him to be polite?
Am I doing the right thing?!
Should I just leave?
Why don’t I just know what to do?!
Is he playing nice with those kids?
Are they playing nice with him?!
When do I go pick him up?!
If I keep chasing after him, will he think it’s a game?!
What’s the limit?!
Not sure if there’s a general mummy status quo in the Gurdwara (please share with me if so!) but after a little while I figured that Arjun was actually really enjoying being there. He was enjoying:
The open space
Seeing so many other children
The different surroundings
The kirtan hence why he was trying to play tabla/sing along
After about 15 minutes, I became a bit more relaxed. He wasn’t being disrespectful to Maharaj (Sri Guru Granth Sahib – our holy scriptures), he was just being a baby. He doesn’t know the difference between a place of worship and a playground. And when I looked around, all the other children were doing similar. I didn’t want to get angry at him and snap. It’d only upset him and that would’ve disturbed everyone’s peace and would’ve meant we’d have to leave.
I remembered something a friend once said to me – I figured, as long as he wasn’t disturbing anyone’s peace, annoying anyone or being disrespectful (in which case I’d firmly stop him!) I think I can handle Arjun seeing the Gurdwara as a fun and happy place. As his favourite play house – after all it’s his father’s house. I want him to feel comfortable and happy there. I want him to want to go there. He’s a baby, he’s entitled to be a baby in God’s house. I don’t want him to miss out on the upbringing I had – the Gurdwara, kirtan and paat has always been a huge part of me and has helped me through life. I want him to have that same comfort. To feel that he can turn to God – to associate God with positive things. Letting him be free meant he was happier than me trying to restrict him.
Yes in an ideal world I’d love for him to sit in one place for an hour but unfortunately he’s just not there yet! I managed to enjoy some of the kirtan and felt at peace with my child’s behaviour at the Gurdwara too. I’m definitely not alone. But don’t feel guilty – it’s their fathers house as much as it is anyone else’s. As Arjun grows and has more understanding, I’ll slowly teach him. He’s a super friendly baby and isn’t shy to spread the love.
I try and be as considerate as possible:
Sitting towards the back where before I’d sit towards the front
Coming armed with snacks
Having toys to keep him distracted for a little while
Remain calm to keep him calm
To those that don’t have children and so may not have all the tolerance and understanding in the world (like I was before Arjun!), I’m sorry if you find my child annoying but I promise I do my best to eliminate the disruption caused to your peace. Remember we need a little bit of food for my soul too and mummyhood is a full time job so I can’t and don’t want to always leave Arjun at home xx
I can’t believe it’s already been a month since Arjun’s first birthday! You can see details of how we celebrated at his jungle themed party here.
Wasn’t sure whether to continue with my monthly updates now that Arjun has turned one but then I thought I’d do it for selfish reasons at least – as a journal/memoir as that was the whole purpose of my blog! So here goes…
This month has seen so many changes in him. He’s suddenly becoming a proper little person. It’s been one of my favourite months as I feel like we’re able to have a lot more fun as his huge personality is shining through now more than ever. I’m really looking forward to when he’s walking and talking now too. I think once he’s talking, it’ll be a lot easier to understand what his frustrations are or what he wants.
This has by far been one of my favourite months with him. He’s become so independent but also his character is shining through brighter than ever!
We spent the day as a family by going for brunch at Chiquitos, doing a little shopping then coming home and spending quality family time together. We played with mega blocks and got arty too!
Here’s an update of Arjun’s 13th month in this world!:
He’s taken his first steps this month
He doesn’t like the cushions on our sofas so we spend most of our day playing chase where he’s taking them down and I’m following putting them back up (that’s my OCD kicking in!)
He’s always pretending to be on the phone and has called his dadi Ji and his Goov Masi by accident (from the phone book!)
He likes to make himself busy by being “helpful” and rearranging everything! (video)
Sleeping through the night the last few nights (I bet I’ve jinxed that!)
Loves bananas
Loves playing with sand and water and mega blocks
Loves being outdoors
Likes to play with other children
https://youtu.be/Uoj_zSTAEWI
Some of the new foods he’s tried this month include raisins (not sure why he’s never had these before!), parsley, dokra, chocolate eclair (he stole mine!)
We made it through our first week! Woohoo!
Hope you had a better nights sleep than I did! Arjun woke up about six times – I’m just grateful that I’m not at work today! Feeling so exhausted.
Lying in bed while he snoozes now and thought I’d share my day 2 and 3 first week back to work diary.
You can find my update on my first day back to work and Arjun’s first day at nursery here.
Day 2
He slept through the night which I was super happy about but I still woke up feeling knackered which I guess was understandable as it’s all new to me!
Arjun woke up bright and early for 6 which was perfect timing as we managed to get some play time before leaving for work and nursery. Preetam also got lots of cuddles.
When I dropped Arjun to nursery, he was in tears again but I was a little stronger today knowing this was good for him and that he’d be ok eventually. I didn’t want him to feed off my apprehension.
I got to work and literally didn’t get a minute to myself. I had back to back meetings all day but found myself day dreaming of Arjun throughout. I can imagine him walking and talking now. It’s amazing that every time he comes home from nursery, he seems a little more confident at home though he may still be timid there.
Work wasn’t too bad. I surprised myself with how quickly I began to grasp things – I really thought I’d struggle more than I am. I’ll be co managing projects with another member of my team who has been so supportive and patient. The team are such a great laugh and the constant banter means the day passes pretty quick.
When it came to collecting Arjun, that drive from work to the nursery feels like the longest drive ever but I have ants in my pants. I just want to get there and embrace my little boy.
As I swiped the door of the nursery to let me in, I could hear a familiar cry bellowing down the hall. It was my baby. I knew it. I literally ran down the corridor. As I got to the room, he was sat by himself in tears. I knew it was because he was tired. The staff said he had only just started to cry. I embraced him before even acknowledging them.
At that moment I’m not going to lie, I felt so gutted and a bit pissed off that I even have to leave him. I wish someone could give him the love and attention we give him at home around the clock. I know it’s not possible at nursery. I know the staff to baby ratio is one to three. I know they are not his parents. I know it’s completely different but I hate knowing he was crying with no comfort. I sound like a spoilt brat even sharing these thoughts.
Generally they said he’d had a good day and enjoyed playing with sand and with paint and bricks.
When we got home I did something that I’ve only ever probably done once. I spontaneously grabbed a blanket, grabbed us some snacks and headed for the garden before I had any time to think about what I was doing. If you’ve read my emotional rollercoaster post, you’ll know that even the smallest things feel like the hugest tasks to me. Especially when I’m alone. It feels like I deliberately do very little alone with Arjun. I usually have Preetam or my sisters with me.
Why was that evening different? It was really different. I’d witnessed Arjun bawling his eyes out. Arjun being at nursery has made me really value the time we have together. I wanted him to feel the whole love that we give him even if it is for less time than he’s used to.
We sat in the garden and I actually felt so comfortable and I didn’t feel panicked. We sat and played with Arjun’s fire truck and push along car and we laughed loudly whilst I sung nursery rhymes and did silly goofy actions. We lay on the blanket together and watched the fluffy clouds float by.
He got grass everywhere and usually I’m creeped out by bugs in the grass, but I didn’t care. I had my fearless little lion with me. As I posted on Instagram that day “I have hit the jackpot. Nothing or no one could make me feel richer than I feel right now. I love this boy so deep and in a way I’m grateful to go back to work as it’s made me cherish every single moment so much more. I don’t care about the yogurt he’s spilt all over himself and on me, I don’t care about the sand he has in his hair or about the cheese he’s smeared in mine!”
It was perfect.
Day 3
Disaster disaster. My tiredness had definitely caught up with me. I overslept and woke up in a panic. I hate being late. We all rushed to get ready and out which put me in a rubbish mood.
When we finally managed to get out, we made our way to nursery and managed to get there only five minutes late. He didn’t cry straight away as we entered his baby room which I felt was progress. But the moment he was taken from me, he began crying. I was so conscious about getting to work and not making a bad impression on my first week and so managed to not get to bogged down with becoming overly consumed with negative emotion at Arjun’s reaction.
I got to work on time surprisingly – my girl racer skills came to use haha or I just got lucky with the M25! I felt shattered already and the work day hadn’t even begun! And I couldn’t get “here comes Arjy on his pony” out of my head! – I couldn’t seem to switch my corporate head on.
I called nursery at about 8.30am to check if Arjun was ok. I thought they’d tell me he was ok and I could get on with my day but they didn’t. They said he was really tearful especially every time the door to his room opened and parents came to drop their children off and they thought it was because he thought it was us coming to collect him. That absolutely broke my heart. I could picture his dinky little face staring at the door, his bottom lip quivering every time he was disappointed by what was behind that door and then sobbing. I felt like packing up my bags and leaving work and going home. But I didn’t.
I received a reminder on my laptop of a meeting that was due to take place in five minutes. I had to pull myself together. I’m still new here after all. Their impression of me matters. The nursery reassured me that they’d moved Arjun away from the door and he was sat in the corner of the room so he was distracted. I just couldn’t wait to see him.
The day whizzed by really fast. I had back to back meetings again and wasn’t even able to pop away from my desk at lunch – I ate during a meeting. It was good in a way as it meant that my day flew and seeing my baby would come quicker.
I also felt a huge sense of achievement at work. The guy I’m co leading a project with walked me through a few things and we made progress on a few bits together. It made me feel good. It gave me confidence. I could do this.
I went to collect Arjun and as I arrived he’d just fallen asleep. I got a brief update on his day from his key worker and then we set off back home.
Since Arjun’s started nursery, we have this “thing” where once I’ve picked him up, he doesn’t want to be put in the car seat straight away. He wants to have cuddles for a few minutes and that’s what we do. We had the tightest cuddles and we watched the leaves glide across the road with the wind blowing through both of our hair (well my poof! Haha). We watched the branches on the trees tower over us as they gently shook in the direction of the wind. I love these precious moments.
I also notice that I have a new found energy in the evenings. Seeing him recharges me. All I wanted to do last night was spend time as a little family and that’s what we did. We popped to B&Q and then to Thai Pan for dinner and were highly entertained by Arjun as were the waiting staff! It’s amazing how much more his personality is shining through since he’s started nursery. Or maybe we’re noticing it more now that we have time away from him.
All in all, this week I’m so grateful for such a precious son, loving family, great work team and for a nursery that instils me with confidence that Arjun is being taken care of.
To all the mummies I’ve received messages from that are in the same boat or will be in a while, it does get easier! I’m saying that after just three days. There are so many wonderful things that have come out of Arjun going to nursery and the emotional side I’ll eventually deal with! I think in the long run its harder for us parents than it is for our little treasures x
An update on Arjun’s birthday celebrations part 2 (technically part 1!). We decided to keep a kirtan for Arjun’s birthday a few days before his birthday as I wanted it done before his first day at nursery and also before his party – almost like a pre birthday blessing. I wanted to thank the almighty for absolutely everything – even the challenging times for making me stronger and also getting me through those times.
We had a kirtan (religious hymn ceremony) the week before his party at Havelock Road Gurdwara.
Since Arjun was born, it was my wish to have Bhai Niranjan Singh Ji do kirtan on his first birthday. I felt so so grateful to God for granting us with that wish. Bhai Sahib has been like a family member for over ten years and has ridden through some tough times with us – by some miracle, they happened to be driving past when my mum and I had our car accident in India and if it wasn’t for them, I may not have made it to the hospital in time.
They do the most emotion evoking kirtan and they are definitely one of the most spiritual and blessed souls I know so we were so grateful that they ensured they were here for Arjun. Kirtan is food for my soul.
It all felt really surreal – I couldn’t believe I have a baby, let alone one that’s about to turn one.
The kirtan was beautiful and the atmosphere was buzzing. It was really overwhelming to see Arjun showered with so much love by our friends and family that were there.
Arjun enjoyed playing with everyone – he is generally happy when we are at the a Gurdwara. He spent most of the evening saying “satsriakal” (hello) to everyone by putting his hands together.
Arjun is fast asleep after a long day at nursery so I thought I’d share my first day back to work diary. Please don’t judge – it’s been a whirlwind of emotions and stress manifests in irrational ways!x
5.55am
I’m lying in bed and it’s 5.55am. I need to get up in 15 minutes anyway so it’s pointless me trying to sleep now. I’ve definitely not had enough sleep. I’ve been awake since 4.30am and my head feels really heavy. I’m not feeling the same positive thoughts that I was feeling yesterday.
I’m feeling heavy headed, irritable and really tired. I’m also feeling really emotional. Basically a bit of a firecracker.
I hope I don’t cry when I drop Arjun off to nursery. I’ve been watching his peaceful face as he’s slept for the last hour and a half and my heart feels like it’s overflowing with love and my throat is struggling to fight back the tears. He’s so perfect. I’m going to miss him. I’m so glad we got to see his first few steps last night. I’m not sure if that made going back to work easier or harder or if it didn’t make a difference. It did make a difference but I’m sort of struggling to process my feelings at the moment.
I’m frustrated as I asked Preetam to do night shift tonight. I thought it would be sensible for him to do night shift on Monday’s and Tuesday’s and for me to do it the rest of the week/weekend. You’d think that’s a fair deal!
Arjun woke at 2am and my ears are super sensitive to him now (amazing given I’m generally a really heavy sleeper). I nudged Preetam to get up. Instead of going straight to Arjun who would have still had his eyes closed at this point, he decided to go to the bathroom first – I get that nature called but I wish he’d gone to Arjun first. Because what happened was Arjun ended up in a fit of tears while waiting and woke himself up fully. Hearing him crying got me worked up which meant I was also fully awake and really irritable. Anyway after a few minutes; he successfully put him to sleep. And after tossing and turning, I also managed to fall back asleep.
Arjun woke again at 4.30 (I’ve been awake since). The same thing happened – I nudged Preetam who decided to go to the bathroom first again and again Arjun woke up fully as he was crying. I usually rush to him the moment I hear him whine. Maybe for selfish reasons as I don’t want him to fully wake?
Preetam ended up bringing Arjun in to our bed at 4.30. Again frustrating given how hard I worked to break our co-sleep habit. Also frustrating as Arjun doesn’t really like sleeping in our bed for long when we are also in it. He gets agitated quite quickly and isn’t shy to show it through kicks and general whinging.
Maybe I’m just using the above as an excuse to validate me feeling so crappy. Maybe it’s actually my inability to deal with the unknown. Doing night shift is also new to Preetam and it’s not easy especially when you have work the next morning! My anxiety has made me feel snappy. I feel sick when I think about returning to work. How long are they going go be patient with my baby brain? What if I cry in front of them? Will I remember how to do anything? I want to cry. I hate change. I hate uncertainty and I hate the thought of being away from Arjun for about 10 hours a day when I’m at work. He’ll be spending more time with nursery staff than with me.
My alarm has just gone off. And so day 1 of my new reality begins …
7.33am
I got to nursery at 7.29am bang on – I was boasting at my triumph at getting there a minute ahead of schedule.
Unfortunately now, my smile has been replaced with floods of tears. Arjun and I both cried inconsolably when I dropped him. I’m sitting in my car outside nursery as I try calm myself down. I feel so empty. He must hate me. I left him crying. I let the nursery nurse take him from me as we both cried. He’s a baby. He doesn’t understand?
For so long I’ve been harping on about how you sort of lose your identity when you become a mum. But I’ve realised that IS my identity. I don’t want to be anything else. I just want to be Arjun’s mummy. What’s wrong with that?
8.06am
I arrived at work 25 minutes earlier than when I planned on meeting my boss. So far I’ve had what feels like a million mishaps already.
It felt really weird pulling up in to the work car park. Almost felt unfamiliar. I grabbed my pass and decided to grab a coffee.
I placed my pass in the top up machine to check how much credit I had. £2.10. That would be enough for a coffee but it wouldn’t be enough for lunch. I reached in to my handbag to grab some money. I couldn’t feel it. I panicked. Where the heck was my purse. Crap, I must have left it on my dresser last night!!! What am I going to do?! I text Preetam in a panic. He reminded me there was a note I’d left in the car the other day. Phew!
I quickly rushed back to the car and topped up my card and grabbed a coffee.
I made a quick call to Arjun’s nursery to see if he was ok and felt instant relief when hearing the friendly voice at the other end of the line. She said he was ok and had finished off his breakfast and was now playing outside. I felt calmer.
I reached in to my bag to email my boss to let him know I was here. WHERE IS MY BLACKBERRY!! Oh my goodness, what a terrible first impression I’m going to make! I’d left it on charge at home and forgotten to pick it up on my way out.
At that same moment the lady at reception asked “are you Harps?” Turns out my boss had asked her to look out for me. Phew.
12pm
I can’t believe it’s only 12pm. I feel exhausted. I’m just taking a quick break whilst grabbing lunch. I had a further mishap earlier – my laptop wouldn’t start despite me keeping it safe and out of Arjun’s reach for the past year. Grr.
The morning in general hasn’t been too bad. I’ve had three meetings and feel pretty positive about my role. My new team are all lovely and two of the others have also recently have had babies. My boss has been great at making me feel comfortable and has tried to walk me through things from a top level over view to not confuse me too soon!
I called Arjun’s nursery. They said Preetam also called. They must think we’re crazy! They said Arjun has been really good and he’s had two lots of lunches (that’s my boy lol).
8.30pm
I feel so tired. I want to sleep. Arjun went to bed at 7.30pm. I hope he sleeps through the night.
The rest of my work day was pretty similar to the morning. I managed to lose my pass (it was bound to happen) but found it again thankfully. I think my team think I’m pretty ditzy. I felt like a bit of a loon.
I had a few more meetings, managed to get my laptop sorted and cleared my inbox as well as do a few admin bits.
I couldn’t wait to collect Arjun but the drive there felt so long especially as I struggled to keep my eyes open!
As I walked in to his room, I could see he was nodding off. He was sat with a member of staff who was patting him on his back to put him to sleep. I watched him for a few minutes as he lay there peacefully. I then crouched down next to him and as soon as he recognised me, he shot up and came crawling over at full speed and cried and cried and cried. He hugged me so tight. It felt so nice to have my baby in my arms again. I held him tight to reassure him that i wasn’t going anywhere. The staff said he had a really good first day and that he seems to be settling in well and has formed a special bond with Becca (one of the nursery nurses) – he played with her and cried when she left the room but was comforted when she cuddled him on her return. That made me feel better – I thought him forming an attachment with a member of staff would upset me but it didn’t. I felt comforted. I felt happy that he felt he could trust someone there when I’m not around.
The staff were incredibly sweet – Becca had put together a collage of pictures from Arjun’s first day with cute captions. It meant so much to me that they’d go to the effort of doing that for us. A perfect little keepsake of Arjun’s first day at nursery.
I tried to put Arjun in to his car seat but he cried frantically every time I did. I patiently took him out and cuddled him a few times. I wanted him to feel reassured that I’m there for him. I felt extra sensitive to his feelings.
When we got home, Arjun and I played. I found the energy from somewhere. I wanted to make the most of every single minute I had with him.
My mum came over to drop dinner as I was too exhausted to cook. Thank god for mums. She’s my saviour. Arjun was excited to see his Nani and played peekaboo with her. He embraced her tightly too.
When Arjun heard his dad walk through the front door, Mr Speedy Gonzales shot to the front door and embraced his papa like I’ve never seen. He kept cuddling him and burying his head in his neck and then lifting his head up to keep checking that it really was his daddy. It made me well up. I could see how emotional Preetam was too.
The two of them played with a football for a while before Arjun had his dinner, bath and milk. He fell asleep within a few minutes of me cuddling him.
All in all I had a rocky start to my day but it soon brightened up. I hope as time goes on it’ll get easier at all levels – I hope Arjun feels more and more confident at nursery, I hope I feel more and more confident at work, I hope Arjun begins to sleep through the night, I hope I feel less exhausted. I hope I still find time to blog!
x
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I can’t believe a year has flown by. It feels like only yesterday I was super excited to go in to labour and have my baby.. A year on and it still feels surreal. I still can’t believe I’m a mum. I have a little dependent now. It doesn’t feel real.
He’s my heart and soul and has kept me going despite the lows on my rollercoaster of emotions with motherhood. He’s my biggest blessing. He’s taught me patience (sort of!), he’s taught me to be less selfish (I only share my food with him!) and he’s taught me that I can love like I never imagined.
I feel eternally blessed and grateful to God for everything. I survived a year of mummyhood – go me!! It feels like a huge milestone. I can’t believe I’ve taken care of Arjun for 21 months (9+12). I never thought I’d be able to do it. But to be fair, I couldn’t have done it without Preetam and without my sisters who have been such a strong pillar of support.
It’s been quite frustrating as my memory feels like it’s totally been wiped in large chunks, but I’m so thankful for my blogging journey as it allows me to reflect back on the last six months of Arjuns life. I just wish I’d started it earlier. The last year has flashed by and it’s made me realise how quick time flies and how I really need to learn to live in the moment more.
My confidence of knowing what Arjun wants has definitely grown. He’s still strongly daddy’s boy but mummy definitely knows best! I remember when people used to say to me “you’ll just know” or “mummy always knows” and I used to feel panicked during the early stages of motherhood as I didn’t know why he was crying. I felt like I was failing or like something was wrong but over time I’ve definitely gotten to know him inside out. I know when he’s tired, when he’s hungry, when he’s in pain or when he just wants a cuddle. I feel more confident now than I ever have though I still have a lot to work on!
For his actual birthday, the night before I had decorated the living room with Mickey Mouse scene setters and balloons (thanks Goov!) as he loves Mickey at the moment! I was super excited for him!
We bought him a Mercedes AMG remote control car (daddy’s idea!) which he can also drive himself when he’s older.
When Arjun woke up, we took him downstairs and he was fascinated by the decor. He investigated his new ride while daddy prepared birthday breakfast crepes.
http://youtu.be/Ic2pwsp7X7o
After that, Arjun played some more with his car and we played peekaboo before he fell asleep pretty quickly for a nap. I also fell asleep with him! I think all that excitement had caught up with me too. I woke shortly before him so showered and got ready.
When he woke, we all went to the gurdwara to thank the almighty for everything. Walking up to Maharaj (Sri Guru Granth Sahib – Sikh holy scriptures and our current guru), I had a flashback of the first time I came to the gurdwara after having had Arjun. It was a few days after he was born and I remember being in excruciating pain. I almost fainted while they did the ardas (prayer) then. And look at us now! I only get the odd pull but otherwise I feel pretty “normal”. Arjun was tiny back then. It’s hard to believe he’s grown so fast. I’m so proud of the loving little boy he is. Throwback – Arjun’s first ever trip to the GurdwaraThrowback – Arjun’s first ever trip to the Gurdwara
Arjun enjoyed all the attention he got from the Giani Jis (priests) who all seemed to know it was his birthday and gave him lots of blessings.
When we got home, we took Arjun in the garden to test out his new ride. It was so cute watching his excited face as his daddy rode him around the garden. I’m pretty sure he was convinced that he was driving the car himself haha! He looked so cute driving like a boss with one hand on the steering wheel and one arm leaning against the door.
http://youtu.be/9_VO_CPs8nw
While playing in the garden, we received a surprise visit from Arjun’s cousin Shaan. He was ecstatic to see her and had fun playing in his car with her. He then opened his gifts from her which included a Mickey Mouse golf set. He found it absolutely hilarious watching her knock golf balls with her club. It was adorable.
After that, Arjun had a quick nap during which time I carved a watermelon basket (in to a hippo head) for his party. I then prepared dinner for the evening (pizza, salad and garlic bread) where we were going to be joined by our immediate family to celebrate.
Arjun had a lovely time opening all his gifts. He was absolutely spoilt rotten by his Dada Dadi, Nana Nani, Chacha Ji, Pua and Fufar Ji and Masis. He received his very first motorbike from chacha, a motorbike rocker from his Pua and Fufar and a whole new wardrobe and slide (to name a few!) from his Masis. He also got a mini tabla (Indian drums) from my parents which he is obsessed with!
He’s so blessed to have such loving family surrounding him who all absolutely adore him.
We cut his Mickey Mouse cake, had dinner (all his fave carby foods!) and he played till quite late. It was such a lovely evening with our closest.
Before bed, we managed to get Arjun’s footprint on canvas. I want to do that every year on his birthday so we can see how much he’s grown!
The night ended with Preetam showing Arjun the card he’d made for him. If you think I’m a sucker for crafts, Preetam definitely outdid me lol. He waited till the evening as he’d made a cut out Mickey Mouse card which created a Mickey silhouette on our bare bedroom wall when light is shone through. Arjun was really fascinated watching Mickey shrink and expand!
We had a perfect day celebrating. We didn’t do anything too fussy – we just wanted a chilled out family day.
An update on Arjun’s 12th month in this world!:
He can walk against furniture pretty fast and often one handed
He waves bye bye
He stands for 5/6 seconds unaided
He can climb down the stairs (back to front)
He puts his hands together to say satsriakal (hello in Punjabi)
He understands words like “dudoo/milk” “paani/water”
We celebrated his birthday with all our family and friends with a jungle themed first birthday party which I can’t wait to share with you all!x
It’s been an emotional journey and I feel overwhelmed when I think about it all. But I am also looking forward to embracing toddlerhood and I’m excited for the next stage when Arjun starts to walk and talk. Tomorrow is the start of a new journey – I’m back at work and Arjun has his first full day at nursery. I’m feeling positive x
I was going to write up my 12 month update this evening but to be honest I’m just not in the mood. It’s another reminder of how quick my baby boy has grown.
This evening as I lay trying to put Arjun to bed (I cheated and had him in our bed with the fan on so he could cool off), it dawned on me that today was our last day at home before I go back to work. We travel to Norfolk tomorrow for the weekend with our siblings on a short trip. Today was my last day at home with my baby boy. I’m grateful we spent some time outdoors, I watched him play independently with his new water table. I watched him squeal with excitement on his new swing. I also got silly and danced to “Teddy goes on the swing” for him and watched him laugh hysterically that he could barely breath. I did all that without realising that today was our last official day of maternity leave at home together. I’m glad I didn’t realise earlier on in the day because I would have been an absolute wreck.
Why you may ask. It’s all pretty irrational to be honest. This is all part of life and every mother goes through it. I wish my brain would process that, accept it and get on with it. The issue is – I’ve always struggled with change.
Tonight was especially special. Usually Arjun is in a world of his own. But today after an episode (or ten) of Mickey Mouse, I switched the TV off (bad habit I know but I needed him to not be so hyper), he lay on the bed, and I lay opposite him and he stared lovingly in to my eyes as we listened to Simran (religious hymns). He doesn’t often do that. He’s usually too busy bouncing off the walls. Every so often his tiny lips would break in to a smile and his eyes would light up. He didn’t break eye contact with me at all till he fell asleep. Precious moments like these. I couldn’t help but cry. When he saw my tears, he got up and put his arms around me. I wonder if he knew I was sad or if it was pure coincidence. Through my smile back at him, I’m hurting. He’s so perfect. I love him so much. The thought of not being with him always hurts. The thought of us already being at the next stage hurts. The reminder that a year has flashed by and I feel like I don’t remember much of it hurts. I always make everything so dramatic in my own head and it really frustrates me about myself. I don’t know how to not.
I remember when I started maternity leave. I had that constant reminder of “make the most of it” “time flies” … I had no idea just how quick. I had no idea that I’d feel this way. Even half way through I used to say “I’ll be ok when I return to work. It’ll do Arjun and I both some good” and although I believe there’s some truth in that, it still hurts.
I’m grateful to God that today was Arjun’s best day at nursery. The staff told me he was a happy boy and spent much of his time playing and crawling around. He seems more confident there now. He seems to be doing better than I am with the change. It’s true that babies adapt quickly.
I feel so incredibly sad inside and I don’t really understand why. These changes are no surprises and nor are they any different to the changes that most mothers and families face.
Anyway, I need to finish packing a few bits for tomorrow.
I promise to have my 12 month update done by Sunday!
Lots and lots of love x
I had lots of messages of support and comfort from friends, family and followers which I really appreciate. I feel like any mum would in this situation and it’s really nice to be reminded that it will be ok. It might take a week, a month or 10 months but eventually he’ll be ok there.
I also take comfort as one of my closest friends and my sister are both nursery nurses and so are constantly reminding me of what a happy place it is. The amount of activities and other bits they manage to get done in a day would be impossible for me to do at home so for that I’m really grateful.
On day 2, I especially was feeling really apprehensive about dropping Arjun off as I felt that the previous day meant he was aware that we were going to leave him there so he’d almost be on edge anticipating that.
I didn’t realise the emotional toll that the day before had taken on me. Even when I was going through it, I didn’t realise how much it had exhausted me. When I got home, I had to sleep for a little while to recuperate and it’s been the same everyday since. I feel like I’m coping well but my physical fatigue makes me think otherwise.
I fell asleep feeling really anxious the night before day 2 but Arjun slept really well. After he got home from nursery on day 1, he was in good spirits and played lots with his dad. He didn’t go to bed till 10pm! I knew nursery was going to throw his routine off and I didn’t want to get overly bogged down by it. My priority is to ensure he settles there before worrying about slipping in to a bad routine. Plus our routine is going to change again once I’m back at work!
Arjun slept through the night which was brilliant. He woke up the following morning at 9.30am which is a rarity for him.
I felt exhausted that morning. So drained and I felt like I was going to be unwell. I have a habit of getting worked up. I almost feel silly given this is all so normal and Arjun and I aren’t going through anything that other babies and parents experience.
We fed Arjun breakfast and got him ready for nursery.
When we arrived we briefly met his keyworker who seemed lovely. We didn’t really manage to have a proper conversation as she was covering for someone that was on sick leave in another room.
After a few minutes of cuddling, Preetam placed Arjun down on the floor but he burst in to tears and kept trying to crawl up Preetam’s leg. It was actually really heartbreaking to watch and I knew Preetam wouldn’t be able to ignore his cries. He picked him up and Arjun flung his arms around his daddy’s shoulders and clung on to him like a little monkey. I could tell neither one of them wanted to let go of each other. It made me well up.
The nursery nurse, Rachel, told us it would probably be best for them to take him and comfort him and for us to slip away. So we did that. We weren’t really able to slip away as he was very conscious that we’d be leaving and so watched our every move. I felt terrible.
Every nursery seems to do things differently. For example at my sisters nursery, during first week of settling in, the parents are encouraged to spend that time at the nursery too. Almost to build trust.
It must be so daunting for Arjun or any other child to be left at a new place where they know no one. I know how apprehensive I feel when I start a new job with new surroundings and new people. It must feel the same for him except a million times worse as he’s being left there by the two people he trusts the most in the world and he doesn’t have any understanding or comprehension of why. It makes me cry so much. I hate it. I hope he doesn’t feel like we’re rejecting him or that we’ve abandoned him.
We came back home and I tried to remind myself that he was only going to be gone for two hours and to just relax. I managed to get some party bits done before heading out for an appointment.
Preetam went to collect Arjun alone and he said he was pretty upset again to see his daddy. They were unable to put him to sleep again – I think that’s mainly because he gets to a state of over tiredness by getting so upset and the start time coincided with his nap time purposely as the staff felt it would be good practice for him to try and nap there. They said he managed to have some toast for lunch and although he didn’t nap and he appeared upset, he seemed ok during the rest of the session.
When I met them back at home he was so excited to see me. His face lit up and he had the biggest smile – it filled my heart with warmth and I embraced him and didn’t want to let go!
Arjun was in good spirits the rest of the day. His Goov Masi came over and so did my cousin Rupi and niece Shaan who Arjun absolutely adores. Shaan insisted on taking Arjun back home with her so he went to their house for a few hours and had a really good time. Although he barely napped that day he seemed to be happier.
Day 3
This was the first day I took Arjun to nursery alone. I was terrified. Preetam thought it would be good practice for me as I’ll be the one dropping and picking him when he starts properly.
I always feel so guilty when Arjun’s bouncy and happy and excited when we put him in his car seat. He probably assumes we’re going somewhere together. He has no idea what’s about to come.
As we approached the nursery car park, I felt really panicked. I calmed myself down by saying a little prayer. Took a deep breath, put on a smile and jumped out the car.
As I approached Arjun, I could see his tiny little teeth shining through his gorgeous smile. The bigger his smile the more guilt I felt! He was so happy. As I unbuckled his car seat, he pushed forward the bolster and threw his arms around me. I held him for a few minutes and absorbed the beautiful moment – I could feel how safe he felt with me. How happy he was to be in my arms. The smell of his hair, the feel of his chubby cheeks against mine, his tiny heart beating against mine was all so comforting. I love him so much. Once I felt we were both happy and calm, we headed inside.
As we entered his room, I saw his face drop. My bouncy confident boy suddenly turned in to a shy timid one. It made me feel uneasy. Danielle took him off me and he was hysterical. I was devastated. I felt like a part of my heart was being ripped out. He was kicking and trying so hard to reach out for me. I couldn’t help it that day, the tears began streaming down my face and I felt so so helpless. I also felt a little annoyed at myself for crying but I couldn’t help it.
I left the room before I had a total melt down. I could hear him balling his eyes out all the way down the corridor and when I got outside. The window was wide open and the sound was overwhelming. I couldn’t just leave. I sat in my car and cried hard. All I wanted was to run back in, cuddle him and take him home. I wasn’t going to leave till I could hear he had settled.
I was there for over twenty minutes. It felt so odd. He was crying for me and I was crying for him and we were only separated by a wall but I knew I had to be strong for him. He relies on us for his strength.
When I got home, Preetam had bought home a motorbike to test ride and asked me to go for a spin with him. For those that know me, you know I’m an absolute chicken! I never do anything remotely scary so riding on the back of a motorbike is the last thing I’d ever want to do. But I thought “sod it! Just do it”.
Since having had Arjun, I’m trying to be a bit more brave. I don’t want him to fear absolutely everything like I do. I want to be able to enjoy doing fun things with him. Not that I’ll be encouraging him to ride a motorbike any time soon. Or ever.
I actually can’t believe I agreed to get on the bike let alone sit on it while it wasn’t stationary! This was my second time and there’s no prizes for guessing why it’s taken me four years to get on a bike again. The first time terrified me!
It was actually really nice. It was a really hot day so the wind against my cheeks felt really soothing. Till I opened my eyes and absolutely pooped it!
After the bike ride, I did some party prepping and then it was time to collect Arjun.
My dad came over to drop some things off for the party so I asked him to come with me to pick Arjun up while Preetam dropped the bike back.
I wonder if my dad has any recollection of dropping us to nursery? I wonder how they felt when we cried?
When we got to the nursery, I quickly made my way to his room and when I opened the door he was in Danielle’s arms but his face was hidden behind Rachel. As soon as he heard my voice he started crying and literally jumped in to my arms.
All the other babies were asleep, Arjun was the only one awake. They weren’t able to put him to sleep again. I felt so warm and fuzzy at his dinky little arms around my neck and his hair against my cheek. He calmed down as soon as I embraced him and fell asleep within a few seconds. I was bursting with emotion. I often doubt my mothering skills but it was one of those rare moments where I felt so confident.
The girls updated me on his antics for the day – he enjoyed his lunch and managed to play for a little while. Last night I was thinking about him eating lunch feeling sad (figuring from his tears) and it made me cry.
He was a happy chappy once we got home and even managed a little nap. He certainly kept me entertained!
Day 4
Today I woke up excited for Arjun. It’s so warm and I knew that meant outdoor play – he loves being outdoors! I dressed him in a romper so he was cool.
I dropped him off alone again but felt a little stronger. He cried a little but it didn’t feel as bad as the other days. Today was his first three hour session.
In between I managed to pop to Costco and run a few errands as well as make a few phone calls. I felt a lot more relaxed about him being at nursery.
When I went to pick him up, again he was the only baby awake playing with Rachel whilst the others slept. He was ok till he saw me at which point he did a swift turn and burst in to tears acting like he’d had the worst time ever! He was instantly comforted once in my arms and the girls showed me some pictures of him from today.
They said he seemed a lot more settled today and cried less. He played with sand and water, Lego, and also enjoyed rhyme time. They said he waved all his buddies goodbye when it was home time for them. He also seemed a lot happier while in my arms interacting with the nursery nurses which made me feel a lot happier. They said he went to them himself for cuddles today and said he gives the best cuddles 🙂 they also said he’s been good in terms of eating with his peers at the table since the day he joined.
I feel a lot better now that it feels he’s beginning to trust the staff. I’m so glad this is how he rounded off his first week settling in at nursery. I’m really proud of him. I hope next week brings less tears (for him at least!).
I’m looking forward to celebrating my little man’s birthday tomorrow now that my mind is a little more at ease!
x
Yet again I’m late with this post as we’ve been so busy!
Last week saw lots of party planning – can’t believe it’s just a few days away! I can’t wait to share all our plans with you post party!
Here’s what else we got up to:
We had a crazy busy weekend!
It was our akhand paat (three day religious function where our holy scriptures are recited) bhog last weekend.
I managed to get a few hours off last weekend to go to a dessert bar with my sisters and family friends. A Nutella crepe was obviously my choice! It was delicious. We went to Twist in Harrow where they do eggless desserts. We had a great evening out with lots of laughs.
We also had a kirtan to attend to celebrate the birth of Arjun’s little cousin brothers Rajan and Jeevan. Arjun had fun playing with his dinky cousins.
That same evening we also had Preetam’s Masar Ji’s (uncle) surprise 70th birthday dinner where Arjun got to see his daddy’s family after quite a while. He also thought it would be a good opportunity to test out his daddy’s ride!
Although it was a super busy weekend and we were exhausted by the end of it, it was really nice seeing so many of our friends and family and catching up.
Arjun managed to get some nanaji time last week and I managed to capture this super cute moment without them knowing. They are so adorable and I could watch them all day!
Arjun’s Ramneek Pua (Aunti) and Sarub Chacha (uncle) also came to visit. He adores them and had lots of fun having their undivided attention!
We later met up with Preetam’s siblings for dinner. It was a lovely evening and Arjun enjoyed picking his own salad for dinner.
Last week we also got prepared for Preetam’s first Father’s Day. We made homemade wrapping paper together which was lots of fun. You can read all about our first Father’s Day here.
We wrapped up the week by having Bhai Niranjan Singh and our family friends over for dinner. It was a lovely evening with great company and we also got to enjoy some spontaneous kirtan.
It was my first attempt at a Nutella cheesecake and it came out absolutely delicious (if I do say so myself!). You can find the recipe here.
So today was Arjun’s first day at nursery for his first settling in session and wow what a ball of emotions Preetam and I both were!
His session started at 2pm and we were both pretty busy in the morning which I was thankful for as it gave me less time to ponder over every scary eventuality out there.
Of course Arjun decided to delay his morning nap till 12pm which meant when he woke at 1pm, lunch was super rushed!
We made it to nursery in time and I could sense Preetams nerves and he could probably sense mine which were made all the more worse by watching our bubbly little boy smiling and laughing away as we walked up to the nursery. He had no idea we were going to leave him. He probably thought we were on one of our rare family days out. I felt terrible. I wanted to cry but I stayed strong.
We were greeted by the super friendly and smiley staff which put my mind at ease a little. The last thing you want is to be greeted by miserable faces knowing your child is going to spending a large portion of their lives in this place!
We were taken to the room Arjun would be in and were greeted by 6/7 other little babies who looked like they’d never seen another baby let alone two big people in their wee lives! Haha!
They were so cute and looked so confused and stunned! Arjun clung on super tight like a little monkey to his papa. He seemed shy and a little apprehensive. After a few moments in the room, Preetam placed him down. He took a look around at all these unfamiliar faces and gazed at his new surroundings. His demeanour changed starkly from the bubbly confident boy that walked in. It made me feel a little uneasy. Why wasn’t he smiling? Why wasn’t he going up to the other babies like he normally would? Was he going to be ok?
We had an appointment to go through our paperwork but Preetam had already completed it all at home which meant we could leave Arjun to it. I told Preetam to exit the room swiftly whilst Arjun had his back to us as I knew he’d be an absolute wreck if he saw his daddy leave – I was equally feeling it for Preetam as I knew he was bursting with emotion.
As Preetam left, one of the nursery nurses picked Arjun up for a cuddle. He seemed ok but still quite placid understandably. Everything was so new to him. As I was about to leave, one of the other babies took a tumble and burst in to tears distracting Arjun. I quickly left the room but my eyes filled up as I did. What if Arjun hurt himself like that poor little boy – I wouldn’t be there to comfort him 🙁
Arjun’s key worker wasn’t in today so we were told we’d be meeting her tomorrow.
As Preetam and I sat in the car, we sat in silence for a few minutes as we both teared up. We didn’t know what to do with ourselves. I didn’t want to go home – I felt a little empty. The house would feel so quiet and empty without him. Although it was a perfect opportunity to go home to get some party bits done in peace, I didn’t want to. I wanted Arjun to be sticking his little fingers in to everything. It felt really different to when Arjun isn’t at home on the rare occasion he’s at his grandparents without us. I don’t know why.
We decided to pop to Acton to visit Preetam’s latest project site. A nice little distraction though we did spend most of the drive down talking about him and wondering what he was doing!
I managed to keep myself distracted while getting a quick update and show around if the project from Preetam and as I glanced at my phone I saw a missed call from the nursery and my heart sunk! I panicked and frantically tried to call back. I was so worried and felt sick with fear. Was Arj ok?! Had something happened?! When I finally spoke to someone they said he seemed a little distressed but was ok. It was more an update call.
We decided to head back to collect him as it’d been an hour by that time anyway.
As we approached the nursery, I was literally ready to jump out to go and embrace my baby.
We paced quickly up to the room he was in (though it felt like I was competing in a sprint!) and half way up the corridor could hear his familiar cry. I felt distraught. Before he even noticed us we could see him from the doors window panel – he was inconsolable and the lovely nursery nurse was trying really hard to comfort him.
My heart sunk at seeing him like that knowing we wouldn’t be there to comfort him always.
We walked in and he literally jumped in to my arms (only because I was in front of Preetam haha!) and swiftly moved to Preetams. He cried and cried. It all felt so traumatic!
I would have sort of been ok if he’d cried at seeing us. It was really hard seeing him cry like that when we “weren’t there”.
The nursery nurse gave us an update of how he’d been and showed us lots of pictures she’d taken to show us. It gave me great comfort that the nursery are so thoughtful about parents and the fact that we end up missing out on a whole chunk of our baby’s lives due to work commitments. We saw pictures of him enjoying his beans on toast for tea and playing with toys. She even offered to print them for us.
She said he mainly played with the dinosaur figurines and the rattle and he also enjoyed the bubbles that she blew for him. He seemed happy enough but did cry at the sight of another baby crying. He’s become so sensitive – a trait that I do admire in him and i hope he stays that way but not to the point that it upsets him 🙁
I think Arjun was particularly tearful as it was his milk and nap time and when he’s tired he becomes quickly distressed.
When we got home, he was his content and happy self again. He had his milk, played with his toy hammer and we headed up for cuddles and a nap. It took him ages to fall asleep despite him being so tired. He finally fell asleep at 5pm! I knew this was dangerous given it was so close to his bed time but I didn’t want to stop him from sleeping either.
I was also really exhausted. Today’s emotional journey and the realisation that this was going to very much be a daily “thing” for a while till Arjun settles in was also draining.
I also fell asleep and had a nap with Arjun with him softly snoring in my ear! So much for getting lots of party bits done today!
Today’s session has definitely thrown our routine completely off and we’re all so tired that I am quite worried about how we’ll cope when I’m back at work let alone how we’re going to manage tomorrow’s 11am session!
If anyone has any tips on how you manage work/house/baby all in one go, please share!
A huge thank you to all those that sent us messages to wish us luck and also all the words of encouragement – they really do make a huge difference and instil me with confidence that all will be ok pretty quick!x
Hi, I’m Harps, an award winning blogger who shares my journey of motherhood after experiencing post natal depression and an unexpected diagnosis of Down’s syndrome. Readers have often coined my musings “relatable” and “warming”. I have gone on to turn my passion of connecting people into working with brands ranging from household names through to small businesses and sharing with my engaged audience.
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